Supporting Our Children's Mental Health (And Our Own) In Times of Crisis

These are unprecedented times. There is nothing in our proverbial tool belts to help us know how to navigate this. Our lives, our children's lives and the world at large has come to an abrupt and sudden halt with no clear light and the end of this tunnel and no certainty of when we will see one. So many times in our lives here when my children have faced something new or scary, we have been able to tap into our adult tool belts to access ways to support them. We have been able to draw upon experiences in our own lives or wisdom from others, but now, we are right there along with them. This is new. This is scary. And we have to use what we do know to navigate the unknown.

So many questions plague my nightly insomnia sessions. Will my children be traumatized by this? Will we manage to stay safe and healthy? Will our loved ones stay safe and healthy? Will my children have the resilience to pull through this with strength and security? Will we? How do we support our children's mental health (and our own) in a time of global crisis?

There is so much I don't know. With everything I do know, I try to keep this ship afloat. I am so incredibly lucky that we are all currently healthy, safe and able to support our family's needs. So many are suffering out there in so many ways. I feel incredibly lucky as well to be here with my husband and children. While it is challenging to share a 2 bedroom apartment and small outdoor space that is now our home, office, cafeteria, kindergarten, preschool and nursery, I am not alone. My children are very young, and in some ways I feel that this makes it easier on us. They don't have the frame of reference to know how "not normal" this "new normal" is. They are still able to find joy and wonder in each and every day. They are still as enamored with jumping in mud puddles in the rain as they are lying in the grass on a warm and sunny day. They find the silver linings and they are the silver linings. I don't have a great concern over their academic development in this time of unforeseen and long term school closure. But I do worry about how this will affect their social and emotional health.

S started kindergarten this year. He is a kid who thrives on routine and predictability. Routine and predictability are out the window right now. He is a kid who needed more playdates and social interactions with peers, not fewer, not none. He is a kid who needs space and opportunity to move his body living in close quarters. He was excelling in reading (in two languages), writing, math, science, Jewish studies and more. He was working on challenges with focus and attention and executive functioning in a classroom setting and was about to get some support with this in his school. Now he is in an environment where, granted, that is less of a struggle, but also less of an opportunity to grow. While many of his peers probably struggle with this new Zoom "classroom" environment, having the ability to have all of his peers muted actually helps him hone in. If only real classrooms had a "mute all" option. He is naturally empathetic and sensitive to feelings of anxiety or uncertainty. In these circumstances, there is no way to shield him from that, but plenty of opportunity to support him in navigating these emotions.

Y started preschool this fall. He had waited for two years for this. Every morning, he came along with me to drop off his older brother and then go home. On his first day of preschool when I drove him into the parking lot, he gleefully shouted, "Mommy, it's my school, it's my school! And DON'T take me home!" And he loved his friends and teachers. One day, one of his favorite classmates went on a trip (a cruise) but then she came back. Another day shortly after, it was announced that one of his teachers was also going on a trip (moving away); she did not come back. He was sad and confused about this and still is, but he built a strong connection with the new teacher and continued to connect closely with his other teacher as well. Then came Purim. He had a grand time eating copious amounts of treats that day. The following morning, he put on his astronaut costume, jet pack and a rain coat and began walking to the van to go to school. There was going to be a Purim party that day and he couldn't wait to squeeze in one more celebration. Then, right on the top step of our porch, he said "mommy, my mouth hurts" and threw up. He wanted to go to school. He wanted a cookie. His Mommy told him he couldn't go to school because he threw up and then he tried to convince me that he did not, in fact, throw up, it was his baby sister, C! Then that Mommy took him inside, cleaned him up, gave him watered down Gatorade and plain toast instead of a cookie and the very next day, school shut down for the rest of the year. Guess you really can't go to school if you throw up. Oh dear...
And C? She's the kid, who ironically I see the least of. Now that we are all home and not shlepping around to pick up and drop off siblings, she finally gets to nap. She loves having everyone here, especially her older brothers. She was also just beginning physical therapy for hypotonia and now those sessions will take place via telepractice. She'll probably try to eat the computer. She (and her brothers) really need opportunity for movement and active play, and while a small space is just the right size for her small body right now, it's still hard to produce the many terrains of the outer world in our tiny inner portion of it. When will she see a playground again? When will she have an opportunity to experience mulch? A ramp? A swing? A shopping cart?

And while all of these concerns bounce back and forth in the empty spaces of 3-5AM, the greatest of them all is how this will affect the mental health of my own children and children across the world. There aren't strategies and support groups for dealing with pandemics with young children. There are methods and tools for dealing with grief and plenty of children are facing that challenge. There are practices for handling trauma but at this early stage, we can't really tell how this will affect children in the longer term. And children with all kinds of needs and supports to navigate them are living lives with less support in place rather than more. But here's what I do know. We do have tools to navigate the emotions that accompany this. We are facing this as a worldwide community and in that sense, no one is alone or isolated in this. So if, like me, you are looking for ways to support your own children's mental health in this time of uncertainty, here are some tools that are working for us:

A Duck Doesn't Always Walk and Talk Like a Duck
It is important to note that anxiety and sadness in our children right now does not always manifest in "obvious" ways. It may come in any or all of the following forms (and others not listed):

• "I'm bored"
• acting silly
• aggression and anger
• lower threshold and emotional latency
• increased requests for help with tasks they typically do independently
• "I'm hungry"
• acting out worries through play (death, illness, even violence)
• testing limits and boundaries
• tearful moments
• angry outbursts and tantrums
• seeming withdrawn
• refusal to cooperate or participate in planned activities
• increased or decreased appetite
• regression in developmental behaviors (i.e. toileting, sleep patterns, etc.)
• being "clingy," more attached and more emotional at separations (i.e. bed or nap times, a parent leaving the room or house)

This list is by no means comprehensive, but the important thing is to keep an open eye and an open mind. Try to identify and recognize when your child may be experiencing and expressing anxiety and sadness. It is hard and it is also challenging to meet these needs with our own anxiety and sadness in tow.

Speaking of our own anxiety and sadness... I am not going to tell you to "keep it in check." It's up and down. These are not going to be "perfect" times and I have to believe that this is OK. I believe in trying our best and trying again when we miss that mark. I believe in being honest with our children at an age appropriate level. It is important that they know that we are here to support them in every way we can. It is important they know that we want to keep them healthy and safe and that we love them and care about them. It is important that they know that there is a lot we don't know, but when we know more we will tell them. It is important that they know they can ask us any question or talk about any worry no matter how big or small it may feel.

And for us--we need to give ourselves a space and time to feel our own worry and grief. I tend to be able to surpass the paralysis stage of it when I can put something into action. I find it personally helpful to work on planning things I can when so many things cannot be planned for now. For me, that looks like creative work. I have found it challenging to not have any time "to myself" anymore, but I have also learned that I don't need to save my creative endeavors for times when no one else is around. I can craft and knit and write and organize while we are all together. So I am baking, sewing, knitting and planting all of the things. Apartmentsteading, if you will. 

It is not perfect. I have lost my patience. So has my husband. I have cried once in front of the kids. I have cried a LOT of times at night when they are asleep. I have navigated the space between remaining connected through social networking and being over connected to the point of anxiety. Then, as if it, too had simply had enough of this all, my phone died. So for the better part of this week I have been pretty unplugged--so socially distant that I now want social distancing extra credit! I have also been more tuned in to my kids and able to overhear some of their play and processing. And I have also been far less anxious with limited and more intentional exposure to media. So on that note, I also recommend deciding for yourself what, how much and what type of media exposure is helpful to you in this time. It's ok if that changes from one day to the next. Give yourself a time to talk to another adult whether it is a spouse, a friend, a family member or a professional (or maybe all of the above). 

Children and Media Exposure:

On the topic of media exposure, it's important to be mindful of what information children are getting, how they are getting it and how they are processing it. It may be a good idea to refrain from having the news on during times that young children are present. Alternatively, you might consider seeking helpful media resources and watching them together with your children.

An Attitude of Gratitude:

Studies have shown that in times of crisis, an attitude of gratitude is a huge support factor. Finding things to be grateful for and ways to "get out of ourselves" can help to support our own mental health and well being. I do not think, however, that this means we must ignore the feelings of sadness and grief and worry--those feelings are real and valid. But there is room in those feelings to still be able to find moments of joy and glimpses of hope. If gratitude isn't your thing, maybe humor is. Or distraction. A favorite hobby. A new hobby. And encourage these support tools in your children as well.

Remaining Socially Distant AND Connected:

This is so hard. We all feel trapped and isolated. For those of us like myself who are more introverted and prefer less physical touch, this may not be as challenging as it is for those who are very extroverted and whose primary love language may be a hug from a friend. It is important to help our children feel as connected to friends and loved ones as possible while still practicing safe social distancing. Video chats and phone calls and even mail (with safety restrictions observed) can help. Also recognizing signs that your child needs more connection with you at this time can be helpful. It is definitely draining when the need is so high and I find myself pretty exhausted by the end of each day. But I am trying more and more to lean into that rather than resisting it. Even my least snuggly kid is more interested than usual in cuddling up next to me and maybe I even need a bit more of that, too.

About this whole Zoom school thing...

I can't speak for other parents or educators right now, but as a parent and educator myself, I'd say go with what works here. I am so grateful to all the effort and perseverance my children's teachers are putting forth. S is doing pretty well right now with the whole Zoom class thing. Y likes the time with me during his virtual "Circle Time" and likes seeing his teachers and friends, but sitting in front of a screen when you are 3 and have low vision is not the ideal learning style. If your kids are loving this, go with it. If they are not, close the laptop and do what works. Don't let this be a battle or additional stress factor. Your child is not going to fall behind his peers when all of his peers are also experiencing this. We will all be navigating the new starting spot when things resume in the Fall. Consider this "emergent curriculum" in your home. Even those who have homeschooled or currently do will tell you that this is not at all what homeschooling looks like. If your child does times tables one day, great. If the next day he learns about math by eating half a bag of M&Ms, great.

Creating a "New Normal:"

Gotta hand it to you moms out there with your color coded schedules and newly preschool-themed living room decor. But if that's not your speed, don't feel like you're not earning yourself Mom/Dad/Teacher of the Year. We all get that award this year no matter what. I personally have made great strides in the the Stay at Home end of being a Stay at Home Mom. You don't need to make a schedule. Every minute of every day does not need to be planned and filled. Kids get bored and then they get past that. The space just past boredom is glorious. It actually was just filled here now by a very inquisitive S who finished his snack and was looking for direction and connection but a Mom who really needs a little more time to her own thoughts and now he is deeply engaged in a favorite book. That said, having some sort of routine can be helpful for everyone. That differs from person to person and family to family. Here it means that we do get dressed every morning. We have breakfast, play time, then the boys have their "classes" on Zoom. Then we have a snack, go outside, maybe do an activity together I have planned or maybe follow a lead one of the boys comes up with. They come in for lunch, Y has a nap, S has his afternoon "class" and then some time on the computer to play games for half an hour. After that, he has an afternoon snack and some time with me (which is about to happen here). C and Y usually wake up around the same time and join us. My husband finishes his work and we all have dinner. Then we usually do a family walk or a bike ride for the boys. C kind of joins us whenever and naps once in the morning and once later on. It's OK if the "schedule" changes. We go with what everyone seems to need in the moment. But having some routines and things that are predictable really helps everyone to feel a little more "normal" in this "new normal."

Staying Active and Staying Together:

Even in limited spaces, getting outside together, taking a walk together, playing tag or having a family race together can get everyone moving and releasing those happy endorphins in our brain. It can also open up conversations in a more comfortable venue than sitting down to talk together. 

Document the Journey:

If your children are older, it might be a good idea to keep a journal. If they are younger, they may like to draw. They don't need to write about this experience or their feelings, although they may want to. But having a space to keep their thoughts and ideas can be helpful.

And When All Else Fails...

It's OK to start over. Once a day, once an hour, as often as needed. If you need to change the mood, try changing the room or putting on some music or lighting a candle. Be silly. Be sad if you need to but don't be stuck in it. Talk about what your wishes and hopes are. It's OK if your five year old wants to plan his 6th birthday party that you don't know when it will be. Just reassure him that it will be. And find ways to celebrate right now. Celebrate anything and everything you can. National Crayon Day. Check. Eat a Donut Day. Check. Tuesday. Check.

And When to Grab that Life Preserver...
There is no stigma here with mental health needs. We are all experiencing a mental health crisis. If and when you need more support for yourself, for your children, for your marriage, for your parenting--it is out there (albeit in a different venue) and it's OK to utilize it.

I'm off for my afternoon dose of Vitamin D and S giggles...some of my favorite medicine. Stay safe. Stay healthy. Stay sane and keep playing.

Talking About Tough Topics with Kids

The conversation about conversation continues today as I reflect on the powerful and important role this plays not only in early childhood, but down the line as well. Yesterday, I took you into a space in my former classroom known as The Conversation Corner. While most frequently this space was occupied by two children at a time, once in a while I would notice just one child sitting. It became an unspoken signal to everyone else that a conversation needed to take place. Sometimes it was a child looking for a friend to play with. Sometimes, it was a child needing to talk with me. In the photo on the left, I have just finished a conversation with a little girl who visited her pediatrician for a check up and vaccines. When I saw her seated there, she was giving a stuffed animal from our classroom a check up. He was about to get a shot and was feeling scared. I didn't immediately sit down, but when I was invited into the conversation, I joined the scene.
"Morah Michal, do you get scared of shots?"
"Not so much anymore because I've had a lot of practice with them. I had a lot of allergies when I was growing up and when I was a teenager, I had to get six shots every week. After a while, I figured out some tricks that helped me feel less scared, like looking the other way and blowing out really hard when a shot was coming, like this [blow]. But when I was a little girl, I did feel afraid of shots and still, even now, there are things at the doctor that I feel afraid of--like throat cultures!"
"Did you used to cry?"
"Yes, I did. My mommy or my daddy would hold my hand or let me sit on their lap. That helped me a lot."
"I sat on my Mommy's lap. Then I got a sticker and a prize."
And the conversation turned to talking about her new stick-on tattoo.

This conversation was a common one I had in classrooms, an experience most all of my students would share in at some point during the school year. Other conversations in my classrooms over the years were quite a bit more unique and involved some tougher topics to talk about. Like a father who was deployed. A parent in jail. Gun violence and domestic violence. Sexual abuse. A pet or a loved one passing away. A parent losing their job. A sibling in the hospital. Divorce. Moving. A new baby and where babies come from. A new "uncle" coming over the night before and staying in Mommy's room. The same new "uncle" leaving and another new "uncle" coming. Alcoholism, meth addiction, homelessness, loss of utility service due to unpaid bills, car accidents, cancer, disabilities, a house fire. And there are probably many other topics I can't remember off the top of my head.

The truth about conversation in early childhood is that you don't actually need a special corner for it to happen. It happens regardless. A child needing to talk about something will do so in one way or another. It may be through speaking, but it may also come up in play. Or behavior. Or emotions (some that "match" the topic and others that seemingly do not). We want our children to grow into teens and young adults who will open up and talk to us about "tough topics." We are, however, quite uncomfortable with these topics emerging in early childhood. This is a stage of "innocence" in which we don't want our children exposed to certain things. And yet, a child's experience is a direct reflection of their environment--an aspect we cannot always control. We tend to offer "fixes" in the form of what I would call conversation end-ers. Whether through stifling a topic, redirecting, projecting/reflecting our own adult understandings and experiences of a topic onto the child or even through directly trying to force conversation when it is not authentic, we give a very clear message without saying a word at all: there are some things in life you just don't talk about.

This does not necessarily even change as we get older. An acquaintance of mine recently posted something on Facebook about how unhelpful it is when someone is drowning to offer a list of things they should be grateful for. I remembered immediately one of the very best bits of advice I ever received from my father. Most of the time when I was growing up, like any other father (even one who is a psychologist), he wanted to fix things when I showed up broken in one way or another. But one time when I was in college, I called him on a weekend totally overwhelmed and hysterical. And that day he offered me exactly the lifeline I needed. "Let yourself be miserable. Let it be enough to just get through the day today and try again tomorrow." If I was drowning in that moment, I didn't want to swim. I was tired, I was sinking; it needed to be enough to just tread water for a bit and try again tomorrow. Someone drowning in a pond doesn't need to hear "well, at least it's not an ocean!" So why is it that our gut reaction to conversations about big feelings is to minimize them? Maybe it's an attempt to shrink the monster in the closet. Or maybe seeing someone in a vulnerable state reminds us that we, too, can be vulnerable.

And I wonder if some of that same feeling is what forces our guards up when children bring up tough topics. First off, there's no filter for when and where it happens. To the young child, it's all equal playing field. Votes for who has Veggie Straws at the lunch table can quickly give way to who threw up last Thursday to grandpa who went to the hospital and never came home. We [the adults] hold Veggie Straws on a very different level than Grandpa who passed away; not necessarily is that so for the children. But what is the teacher/adult's role in this? Do we intervene? When? Do we steer the conversation or just come along for the ride? Are we going to be a conversation end-er or a conversation starter?

When I was a little girl, I was terrified of thunder storms. No cute explanation of God bowling in Heaven was helpful, neither were offers of ice cream or even Benadryl. Nothing at all was helpful until Mr. Rogers explained through conversation what actually happens during a thunder storm. Fred Rogers is one of my greatest heroes. He is what I would call a conversation starter. He took all topics--tough topics, natural topics, fun topics, curious topics--and started conversations. That's all. Nothing fancy. Nothing particularly unique or obscure. He simply started the conversation and kept it going. He talked to children like he'd talk to anyone else. He held their thoughts and curiosities about the world on the same level as his own. It did not matter at all whether he happened to be taller and several decades older. To this very day, if you asked me who I would choose to sit on a bench with for an hour if I could do so with anyone in the world, past, present or future, I'd choose Fred Rogers.

I think that our desire to protect and to comfort and even to control all comes from a place of good intention. It is both selfless and also selfish. We just as much desire to protect, to comfort and to control ourselves. We also feel that as "the adult" we need to keep our own emotions in check (re: hidden) so we can't therefore talk about x, y or z... There's not an easy answer or a best practice here. It's touch and go. But my biggest rules of thumb are as follows:

Let it be authentic: Sometimes we think we need to "set up" these discussions in the same way we set up a craft project. Let it be authentic. Let it come up if it needs to when it needs to where it needs to. It may not be in our "adult" time frame. Children process and experience things at their own rate and in their own way.

Let the child be the pilot of their own plot: We want to control, to navigate, to avoid detours or potential hazards, but we need to let the child be the pilot. You don't need to "grown up"-splain things unless a child specifically asks a question. Give adequate answers, wait and see if further questions arise. Over-explaining and under-explaining are equally challenging ends of the spectrum to avoid. Let it be OK if the conversation needs to go further than planned or predicted; also let it be OK if the conversation seems to stop sooner than planned or predicted. It's alright to return to it later if it comes up, it's also OK if it doesn't come up again at all. Sometimes naming something is enough. Sometimes it just needs to be said. Other times, it needs to be revisited and explored again and again. Either way, leave that door unlocked--but let the child choose when to open it and when to close it.

Let yourself be genuine: We think, as the adults, that we need to put on a certain face for the children and let me tell you something--they are more perceptive than they seem. We certainly do need to maintain healthy and appropriate boundaries and handle our own adult feelings with other adult support systems. However, I do think it is OK--and even helpful--for children to see adults name and work through big feelings, talk about tough topics that come up in a way that is truthful and real and not to feel responsible at the same time for eliminating these woes of the world. You and the child as well have only one responsibility: to experience and get through the moment. You don't need to fix it, you don't need to erase it or negate it or deny it. Keep it on scale. Your experience of a topic is a different stature than a child's experience of it--but nonetheless, you can have a conversation on the same plane (even if you are taller and a few decades older). Children can know that adults also feel sad or worried or scared or mad or excited or nervous or embarrassed; they can even find comfort in this. And if something doesn't go quite as you'd hoped or you happen to think of something later you want to add--that's the beauty of conversation. It can continue...

Pass the Baton: This is such an important but oft forgotten bit of advice. If something feels out of your league, pass the baton. It's OK to say "I don't know" or "I'm happy to talk about this but I want to talk with someone who knows even more." If you're not sure--pass the baton. If you are sure and still you wonder if it's enough--pass the baton. And for yourself--pass the baton. Have your own continuing conversations about those conversations. It's important for you. And for your fellow conversationalists. And for the children. Pass the baton.

There will come a time when children learn that some topics are taboo in some environments. They will eventually reach a point where they don't ask "When is Tatty going to die?" in the middle of the bread aisle at Walmart on a Sunday afternoon. But I'd still rather be asked that question on the bread aisle at Walmart on a Sunday afternoon than not at all. It's OK that the question makes me uncomfortable. It's OK that the question didn't make the one who asked it uncomfortable. It's OK that my answer was "I don't know." And it's OK that less than 30 seconds later we talked about corn tortillas. And that 3 weeks later the topic came up again at the Shabbos table. Conversation is an art. It's not something to be perfected; it's something to be practiced. So keep conversing, and, as always...

Happy Playing!

The Dark Side of the Playroom: When Children's Play Makes Us [Adults] Uncomfortable

Child's play--most of the time, it's cute, funny, intriguing... It can elicit feelings of nostalgia or even wistfulness toward a simpler time, a more carefree existence, a level of innocence that existed before inhibition took over. Children play about common themes, usually those within their direct environment or some experienced through outside exposure. They look adorable dressed up in our too-big-for-their-feet shoes and it's charming when they imitate us (sometimes even revealing). Child's play is usually something that brings us feelings of contentment and comfort. On a deeper level, we know that play is the means by which children decipher the world around them. It is how they express and work through common childhood fears and conflict. It is how they build relationships. It is how they learn to navigate their physical environment as well as their emotional environment. But what about those themes of child's play that make us--adults--uncomfortable? Children playing about death or dying, children playing doctor about body parts that we consider private, children playing about superheros, magic, fairies, dragons, unicorns, the Poop Emoji (I couldn't help myself with that one), toileting routines in general, illness, romantic relationships/marriage, weapons, guns, killing, good vs. evil, "bad guys," jail, war, conflict... For many of us, at least some of these play themes make us quite uncomfortable. .

In my years of classroom teaching, I've experienced a plethora of classroom play dynamics as well as director-implemented approaches. I've taught in a center where superhero play, gun play, family play with more than one Mommy or more than one Daddy, and dress up in clothing that was "not gender appropriate" was prohibited by the school director. I've taught in a center where I had students in my class with a parent or significant adult in jail. I've worked with children who have a parent in the military and deployed. I've worked with young children who have experienced gun violence, physical abuse, a parent struggling with addiction, a parent who is chronically and/or terminally ill, sexual abuse, custody battles, violence toward a parent (even at the hands of another parent), and exposure to adult sexual behavior. I've taught in a classroom where, in order to be culturally sensitive, I decided with my co-teacher to bring in toy deer for a child who consistently played about guns and shooting in the framework of his family's hunting trips. For this child, play was a safe haven in a world that had exposed him to a great lack of safety and security all before the age of 4. His memories of hunting trips were one of the few positive experiences he'd had with his father. I've taught in classrooms where I worked to develop curriculum around rough and tumble play within safe parameters. 

From the parenting perspective, S has very recently reached the developmental stage of gun play, good guy/bad guy play, and building jails. Some of this is likely ideas shared with other children who have had more exposure to media with these themes than he has, although some of it is likely genuine to him and his own curiosity and development. While the vocabulary around it initially started with "gun-shooters" and "blasters," he's only more recently come home with vocabulary around it like "guns," "killing" and "bad guys." In other words, his play about it used to be mostly mimicked play but now it includes more of his own directed story-line. In talking with him and, yes, even playing with him, I've come to realize which concepts he understands and which he does not. We have even used this as an opportunity to introduce very rudimentary information about gun safety--as in, if he ever finds a gun or something he thinks might be a gun, he should not touch it and get a safe adult right away. And while I felt pretty secure in most of my teaching situations (not so much in that first one), I am a little less surefooted in this parenting end of it. I find that I have far more questions than answers to those questions.

Let me tell you as a classroom teacher what happens when you make a "no gun play" rule. You get a lot of "fire hoses" and "water shooters" and "squirt toys." In other words, kids find a way to meet that play need. And when I say "play need," it is because I genuinely believe that children meet a variety of needs through play. What is the "need" behind gun play? Good question! In an attempt to crowd source, I posted a question on my Facebook page about children and gun play--yay or nay? I got a plethora of replies. Many of the responses came from the perspective of boys at play even though I never specified gender in the question. Many used words like "dominance" and "aggression." Some addressed cultural tendencies toward gun use and gun ownership. Some talked about gun safety and directing play toward "target practice" and not people/killing. Some responded that they had played in this way as children, but were less sure now as adults in our day and age if it was still appropriate. I can't claim to know the need behind every child's play experience even with a common theme, but I can consider that the needs behind gun play may include some or all of the following for many children:

• exploration of power roles
• tension release
• exploration of "good versus evil"
• gaining a sense of control over one's environment
• social connection/relationship with peers
• curiosity about guns, violence, death/dying, etc.
• fear of guns, violence, death/dying, etc.
• mimicking scenes from books, characters, television, movies, etc. in which guns and violence are often glorified
• exploring concepts of security, rescue, protection
• enjoyment in that adrenaline rush/fight or flight response (similar to riding a roller coaster or seeing a scary movie)

On a base neurological level, studies have been done that show a reduction in anxiety and a release of "feel good chemicals" in the brain through simply saying words that begin with the "f" or "sh" sound. So for anxious drivers, a nice assertive "fudge" or "ship" from behind the wheel can go a long way! I would be very curious to know what the brain experiences during gun play, in particular with regard to those fight/flight areas of the brain and those that regulate emotional response. I do believe that play provides a space for children to exert power and control in a world that so frequently keeps that out of their reach. When children engage in uninterrupted and non-directed play, they are in charge of the story line, the time frame, their space, their body's movement in that space.

And then I wonder what happens when impart a value on children's play themes. And furthermore, what happens when we introduce a concept of "shame" into play by disallowing particular themes, labeling them as "not nice" or "inappropriate," or removing particular props or topics from their environment altogether. On the one hand I can tell you that a child determined to play about weapons will find a way to play about weapons with or without a sword, gun or bow and arrow. But here is another scenario:

A preschool teacher I greatly admire for her work in the area of dramatic play no longer allows (or least no longer promotes) doctor play in her classrooms because she experienced an incident with a student and sexual abuse. Without knowing the details, I wonder what would be different if she saw this experience as the play opportunity that led to a child getting help rather than the one that would forever remove this potential refuge for a future student, if it were G-d forbid needed. The fact is, that most of the time, play is, well, just play. Children frequently play about doctors because it is something that is relevant to their world. Typically it is not indicative of more than that. And if we were to remove everything from a child's play environment that could potentially be harmful or injurious, what would be left? We'd finally stop hearing the Baby Shark Song. Doctor kits would no longer have a syringe (although I must posit, do anti-vax parents remove these in case their children might play about "vaccine injuries?") Forget about kitchen sets--an oven or stove could burn you. And firetrucks, police cars, race cars, airplanes, baby dolls, stuffed animals, toy phones, bicycles, blocks, and Legos, definitely Legos...

On the other side of the scale, when we do allow for all play themes and topics, we enter a zone in which children are exposed through play to some novel topics we may or may not be ready for them to explore. In a classroom setting, children come from a variety of backgrounds. Each child's family and community has its own views and boundaries and further within that circle, each child has his/her own threshold for understanding and processing these concepts. Within the home setting, there may be more room for exploring such play themes, but we also need to keep in mind that what happens in our home playroom likely doesn't stay only in the home playroom.

In my continuing exploration of how to approach gun play and other challenging play themes at home, I have more bullet points on my list of things I don't know than things that I do know. I feel very strongly about play being a safe outlet for all children, whether they are playing for the sake of playing or playing for the sake of problem solving, working through challenging emotions, claiming a sense of control over their environment, navigating fears and learning about the world around them. In fact, I think that children's play usually crosses over many of these fields at the same time. When we tell a child "you're not allowed to play about..." we apply a weight to a particular theme that may not initially have held such weight to a child. It might become that red button that says "don't push me." It might lead a child to feel ashamed, embarrassed or confused. It may lead to more questions (and that's not necessarily a bad thing either) or it might lead to a child becoming more secretive in this form of play (and this is something that does concern me). I also think it is important as children grow up for them to learn about socially accepted behaviors even in terms of playing and talking about particular topics in some venues/company versus others. It is important as children explore developmental play schemas for them to learn that some parts of the body are private, about the importance of consent, about who the "safe" adults are and when it's safe/appropriate for an adult to touch them. It is important for children to be able to explore and talk about death, weapons, good/evil, etc. The challenging part for us is navigating how much information to give and when and then being able to empower children to continue to feel safe in exploring these topics while still "playing it safe," -- in other words, playing about adult-deemed "appropriate" topics in the "appropriate" environments.

I can remember as a child that I had a particular playmate who tended to play about certain themes her teenaged sister was experiencing, particularly dating. We had a playroom in our basement and I played there with friends often, though the door was always open and I know that my mother peeked and listened in. After one playdate, she simply approached me in a very non-confrontational way and mentioned that she noticed we'd played about these things. She said "if you ever have any questions about that stuff, you can come and ask me." Now as an adult and mother of 3, I see such a value and beauty in this simple approach. I did not feel shamed or embarrassed or afraid. It did, however, help me to realize that this was a topic that people my age might have questions about and wonder about. It created a scenario in which that door was not only open for discussions of play, but also open for discussions of those topics when they actually came up for me years later.

So what should we do when children cross over to that dark side of the playroom? While I can't even begin to scrape the surface of the answer, here are some of the things I do think are helpful...

• Ask before you answer: Before you jump in to the deep end, step back. Ask yourself what this play is communicating? Is it simply a game of "cops and robbers" or is there more to it? And after you ask yourself what is behind their play, also ask your children. "What are you playing about?" "What do you think that means?" I've found the most effective way of doing this is to be invited into the play scene (and this is a delicate process, because if children do perceive that an adult is about to hijack their play, they may clam up and disengage altogether). If and when you are invited to play, you can talk through characters or simply as yourself to find out a bit more. 
• Find out what they already know--this is your starting point: In exploring difficult topics with children, even in play, it's helpful to know what they know! Take this as your starting point. We tend to jump right into the over-explaining mode and it's easier on both sides of the conversation to take it at the child's pace. 
• Level with them: It is important to come to your child's level, both physically (as in, sitting down with them and not hovering over or shouting from across the room) and also cognitively. Adults approach adult topics with adult brains. Children approach adult topics with children's brains. In other words, it doesn't mean to them what it means to us. It can be helpful to remove the weight of adult perception and from there focus on how you'd like to proceed. 
• When to bring in the experts: First off, I give myself permission to bring in the experts whenever the heck I want to! It doesn't have to be a "dire" circumstance to ask for advice or support from fellow parents/teachers, family members, pediatricians or child psychologists. On the other hand, if you notice a child seeming stuck in a particular play scenario or exhibiting signs of trauma or distress, it is important to get some help on board. It may be nothing at all and it may be something. It is very important to err on the side of caution and within this, to also be a safety net for the child and not shame or punish him/her for playing about a topic that is "not allowed" or "not appropriate." Redirecting play here can be fine and in certain environments will be necessary. In addition, it is really important not to try to address the concern alone. Make sure to utilize supervision (if you are in the work environment) and community supports and resources..
• Can you meet the need behind the play in another way? When it comes to play themes that are not preferred in the home or in a school/social setting, it can be helpful to redirect the play while still meeting the child's need behind it. This can involve a bit of creativity and ingenuity on your part, but the "experts" are the children themselves! 
• Open door policy: This one applies both to the literal sense and a figurative one. It is important to notice and reflect on our children's play. This is our greatest glimpse into their world--a world full of wonder, curiosity, worry, discovery, and their role within that. Welcome opportunities to be invited into their play. And in the figurative sense, gift them the opportunity to play for purpose. To be able to write the script and man the wheel. Gift them opportunity for uninterrupted, uninhibited, self-led play. And also gift them that open door--that if they have any questions, concerns or worries, they can come to you. Today. Tomorrow. In ten years. Always.

And while I most often end my posts with a wish for happy playing, play is not always happy. Play is many things for many reasons so for today, I wish you all meaningful playing however that looks for you in the moment.

Get Outside ANYWAY: Balancing Caution and Confidence, Part 2

After completing my post on Part 1 of Balancing Caution and Confidence , I had one more question for my Facebook Hive-mind: What kind of outdoor leader are you? Are you a hovering helicopter or a free-range adventurist?
The responses spanned the nation, life stage, came from both females and males and included a variety of career, geographical, and social backgrounds. I particularly loved the response below from one friend of mine who is a mother of children ranging from school aged to adulthood and now a grandmother as well.

" I live in Alaska. I am a city slicker by nature and a helicopter parent when it comes to little kids outside... But I have been careful to not instill in them a sense of fear. One of them, my most princess-y of all daughters is now a United States Marine! Another one is an agriculture teacher in the wilds of Tennessee. Several do triathlons. One of my sons is a distance runner. They did not get this way because I made them fearful! I made them aware.

I tell you all of this because you can be cautious while not creating fear. I suppose that I was more of a scout of a parent? I would come up with projects to teach the kids. All the while being aware and telling them why we needed to make noise. We would play games, what would we do if we saw a bear? What would we do if we saw a baby moose in front of us and realized that the momma moose was behind us? O look! Cow parsnip-- this is why we wear pants and long socks!"

You can be cautious without creating fear is probably a line that will follow me into the woods with my kids forever more!

Here were some of the other responses:

" Free range constantly borderline crazy but the creativity from my boys has been awesome- homemade zip line/ self made tree house they take great chances and succeed."

"Free range for sure. I want my kids to explore and discover the world with freedom. As long as they’re in the gate and I’ve got an eye out."

"Free range. "Please don't come to me unless you're bleeding."

"5 kids ago, I was a Class A hoverer! I’ve gotten older, more mellow - and more tired - now. And the twins definitely benefit from my (slightly!) more free range-ish style."

"Free rangish. Within reason today kids had to wear life vests when on boat, or know how to recognize poison ivy, etc."

"Free range. 

First rule of boys is: don't look."

"If its a contained field free range, if not I hover."--the mom....and the dad: "I mean sometimes we need to use leashes and tranq guns but we are raising a shark, a bear, a cat, and a lion"

" Free range unless we are in an unknown place where I don't know all the potential dangers, then I hover but at a distance."

" Free range! If you don’t fall you don’t learn and grow."

Here's what I take away from it: two categories was not enough. I am personally a Distant Hoverer. I feel best being vigilant from afar. And while we must travel light on the trail, it's important to carry with us an adequate supply of caution and sense of humor. Those most prone toward hovering still see and value the importance of outdoor play being an opportunity for space, trial and error, problem solving and confidence/competence building. And those most prone toward standing back and enjoying the show still take precautions whether it's protective gear, a vigilant eye, an enclosed area or the ability and knowledge to identify potential dangers in nature. And another very important idea surfaced: how does our own behavior and demeanor outdoors affect the children in our care?

The Darker Side of Caution: Fear

Everyone is afraid of something. Some of us are afraid of many things! When it comes to children, fears are a natural part of development. Some are longer lived than others. Some are "logical." Some are not. Some can be explained or experienced away. Others may last a lifetime. I asked the group to tap in on their own children's fears outdoors:

"My kids now? The 16 yo who wants to be a doctor rages, "You really need a concealed weapons permit if we are out here. What if we see a bear?" (I give my kids my keys. They just need to run faster than me. We go to peopled areas, low risk, but I think ahead.)

When they were all younger, they were loud, "WHAT DO WE DO IF WE SEE A BEAR? HAHAHAHA! I'D RUN LIKE THIS... [demo maniacal run]"

"I JUST NEED TO RUN FASTER THAT ALL OF YOU AND I AM! HAHA"

We spoke of real scenarios and all but one, the one who wants to repair people, handled their fears with humour. (They were so loud the wild life would leave us alone.)

We spoke of dangers of hypothermia and they stayed away from going more that 5 steps into lakes, and were just intelligent on bridges, etc., and we stuck together."

"Bugs and dogs not on leashes."

"Bees are really their only fear. We have taught them how to calmly walk away and that only wasps are the ones to really fear and that honey and bumblebees are our friends. Considering bees are a huge fear of mine that is one I struggle with as well."

Childhood fears evolve and fluctuate throughout life. Some are developed through experience, some through lack of experience, some through exposure and some inherited (whether by nature, nurture, or a combination of the two). 

Both S and Y have their own fears. Some come and go quickly and some last a while. S used to be very afraid of dogs and now is far less so. Y is not afraid of dogs and needs to be reminded he must ask before he pets one. Y sometimes fears uneven terrain outdoors, likely because his vision makes it harder to navigate. Nonetheless, he is very creative in navigating these spaces and while at times he may cry and ask to hold a hand, other times, he will crouch and bend his knees and bounce his way down a slippery and muddy hill independently. 

S has grown into quite the young naturalist. He is wholly himself outdoors. And while he is prone to more of a nervous nature overall, outside is usually a place that inspires self confidence. So a few weeks ago when some sort of bug crawled up his shirt and supposedly bit his tummy (I looked and saw an ant but not evidence of a bite), and he became paralyzed with fear and wanted to leave the park, I was ready to support him but also concerned about his response. We sat together, took deep breaths, talked and sometimes just sat in silence. Again and again as he thought about the incident, he would become overwhelmed again with fear at just remembering it. 

I am cautious in my language about fear with children. I do not like the words "that's not scary" or "don't be scared" when talking to children about fear. For them, in this moment, it is scary and they are scared. S once coined the phrase "I'm scared and brave," and it's one we still use. The language I use is "it feels very scary and you are safe." We did eventually make our way home from the park. S later wanted to talk about the ant and he began to refer to it (and still does) as "The Bug That Surprised Me."

Fast forward to the following week when we attended a group hike with our local chapter of Free Forest School. S, who had been in several outdoor locations since The Bug That Surprised Him suddenly remembered the incident while we were there and decided he felt safest to stand on our picnic blanket. And not move. Maybe not even ever. Again, I tried not to be reactive to this. The mom in me felt so sad for the level of loss he would experience if he truly stopped being able to be outside and feel secure. And the child still in me also knew that fears come and fears go and right now S was safe on the dinosaur blanket, but he would somehow, someday get off and keep going. And sure enough that day came on the same day at about noon when it was time for us to go. S didn't want to get off the blanket. He didn't want to walk back. (He didn't see the ants crawling on the blanket either, phew!) So I held his hand to step off the blanket as I shook it out and folded it up. And we started to walk back. He wanted to go slowly, I said that was fine. And slowly, slowly we walked. He was scared. He had to stop a lot. Y was picking up on the fear signals and also started crying. And I started singing a little scavenger hunt on our walk, wearing C, lamenting the sweat dripping into my eyes and hoping my own parental angst wasn't pouring out with it.

We found a brown leaf. A green leaf. A big rock. A little stick. We talked about cold, hard facts and evidence. Yes, there was a Bug That Surprised You at the park last week. But this is not that park. And we also went to that park a number of other times and no Surprising Bugs happened at those times. The bug was surprising and it was scary and remembering something scary can make you feel scared all over again. You are safe. I am here and look, what do you know, we made it to the car!

I didn't go on and on about how proud I was of him (I was, though, because honestly if anyone could stand on a dinosaur blanket maybe forever, it would be S), but I did point out that he seemed pretty proud of himself. And in the car on our drive back, we talked some more about the best way to feel better about feeling afraid: get confident. Confidence comes when we try something that feels really hard and experience success. That day, confidence came when S experienced a really hard emotion and walked right through it. And one week later, he went back to Forest School, got off that blanket, into the creek and squealed so loudly with joy and pride it literally echoed through the forest.

I am a big believer in being honest with children. I'm not the one to say a shot won't hurt or that it won't hurt to take a splinter out. I'm not going to tell them that bugs never bite or that there's no poison ivy in the woods. Honesty is important. I am also a human who carries her own fears, both rational and irrational. One of my greatest worries is that I will impart my worries onto my kids! It is an area of constant vigilance, awareness and growth for me. I talk to my kids about the things I used to be afraid of and am no longer. I find it a little harder to talk to them about the things I'm still afraid of or newly afraid of. 

And yet, being outdoors with my children has provided a venue where we can all stretch out of those comfort zones. Risky play is all about navigating those boundaries of being just a little bit scared and still being safe. And while getting out there is half the battle, the narrative we build around these experiences also matters greatly. Every person's threshold is different. There's no right ratio of helicoptering to free-ranging and truly these are extremes we need to constantly assess and balance again and again, whether it's over the course of a year or even a day. We do need to be cautious; we do not need to be afraid. We do want opportunities for building competence in outdoor experience because we know that this builds confidence in all areas of life, in and outside four walls and a roof. The language we use, the energy we impart, the reactions we have--all matter. Most children inherently have good "risk assessment" skills and won't try something that is beyond their comfort (ergo ability) level. Some will. Know your audience. Know their boundaries and limitations and know your own. More and more I try to build a narrative around outdoor play for my own children and myself and even for the friends and families we meet with in my nature based playgroup that is positive and encouraging. It takes effort to learn a new language, but I love some of the phrases in this list from Backwoods Mama. Fostering awareness and building problem solving skills are lifelong processes; the outdoors is a fabulous venue for working on it.

I have a saying when it comes to my experiences outdoors (and inside for that matter) with my kids: Different day, different adventure. One benefit to visiting the same outdoor spaces again and again is the ability to see that in action. My own sense of balance when it comes to caution and confidence is a work in progress. It is my hope that this makes me more compassionate and patient as my children navigate this as well. 

So different day, different adventure. What will you do differently tomorrow or the next time you head outside with kids? What works well for you now? How did your own early experiences build the narrative that follows you today as you hit the trail and how will your own narrative shape that of your children's? What would you change? What would you keep the same? One thing is for sure, I'll be outside ANYWAY and you can find me hovering from a distance...

Happy Playing!

Think Outside the Box Thursday: The Spectrum of "Participation" and Engagement

I have a confession to make. When I started nursery school in 1987, my father gave me some frank advice: always sit in the front row and raise your hand. I, however, sat in my cubby and cried for my Mommy. Every. Single. Day. She was lucky enough to be serenaded by the soothing symphony of my sobs as she taught in the classroom across the hall. After a while, my teachers brought a small table over to my cubby and set out toys or activities. I "participated" from there, next to a fellow cubby dweller who "participated" in a similar fashion. Even in my first music class, an activity I had natural talent for and interest in, chocolate bars were not even incentive enough to "get me to participate."  I took the remainder of the year off before returning the next fall when I was ready to tackle the next sixteen years of classical piano training, eventually composing and performing my own works.

All in!

#mood

As a parent and a teacher, I am aware that "participation" looks different for different children. And this can vary from setting to setting, from day to day, and even within the course of one hour. Nonetheless, we tend to categorize and label children we teach, as well as our own. This child is shy. This one "refuses to participate." This one is not engaged or not participating. We come up with "rules" of this trade of participation. You must try. You must take a turn. And many times, these rules are different for our children than they are for us. If you did not feel comfortable dancing public, would you require yourself to take a Zumba class? And yet, the child who doesn't want to dance at music time is condemned for not participating. And on the other end of that spectrum is the child who is so eager to participate, but engages in a way that we deem disruptive, different or otherwise inappropriate--so as a consequence, we deny him the opportunity to participate at all.

Today, I want to unpack this idea of "participation," and look at ways we can nurture and support each child's unique disposition and current abilities. I want to start, however, by throwing away the word "participation" altogether and replacing it with engagement. Although this article from The Seattle Times talks specifically about the psychology of sports fandom, it references recent scientific studies that show the powerful affect on the brain of even watching sports. Brain waves of viewers to the sport actually mimicked those of the athletes actively playing. What this tells us is that even the child who is watching an activity is still engaged and learning.

Engagement plays out differently in a traditional classroom or group setting than it does at home and even more uniquely when members of the home are involved! My own preschooler is likely to soak up the scene in his classroom every morning before beginning his activities. He typically takes a few visits to a library story time or new activity before he wants to join in. The first few times I attended school events with him, he acted completely differently than when I am not there, a trick I invented in 1987. In the car on our way to a third family school function last year, I asked him "is it different that teachers and parents are here at the same time?" "Yes!" he responded. "Yeah, I know that's a little different and it can feel a little funny, but you can still do the things you would usually do with your teachers and school friends even when I am here and even though it feels a little funny." And he did. But would it have been OK with me if he didn't? Honestly, yes!

And on his very last day of school before the end of the year show, he announced that he was not going to sing the songs his class prepared. He was not lying. He stood there on the stage and didn't move a muscle. He wouldn't even hold his prop up and the show went on. He did, however, sing those songs every single day at home for weeks before that morning and for weeks to follow. Do I know why he refused to "participate" that day? Not really. I imagine it felt awkward and the microphones were loud and the room was not one he's used to. It had elements of performance and formality and saying goodbye and all of those things are uncomfortable. He fully participated in eating cupcakes afterward and I'm good with that.

In my classrooms, I have seen a range of student engagement. Whether it's at a group time, an independently led play or work time, indoors, outside, in games or led movement activities and even at the lunch table or walking in line, student engagement looks different from child to child. There are those who always want to be first. Those who prefer to go last. Some look around to see what others are doing and then join in, while others prefer to coexist in a parallel scenario. There are children who always wish to be with others and children who prefer to be alone. We tend to have an extrovert bias with children when plenty of us adults identify as introverted and prefer our own company at times. We all know the kid whose hand goes up when the teacher says "Raise your hand if--" even before that sentence is finished. And we also know the child who when offered a turn will always decline.

I cannot in the space of a blog post address each unique scenario or child. I will touch upon some general issues of relevance and would love to respond to any individual ideas or concerns in the comments or privately.

"Resistant" or "Hesitant" Engagement is the overarching term I coined for the end of the spectrum where those who might be deemed "not participating at all" would fall. It can also include children who are "slow to warm up" in social settings, group activities or other tasks. These include the scenarios where a child declines a turn or prefers to sit on the sidelines instead of playing a game or won't try an activity at all. Let's first look at potential contributing factors:

Why?

• Just ask! It seems overly obvious, but sometimes asking a child privately (not in front of the group or in the moment), can provide your solution. The child might have a reason he doesn't want to join in an activity and if he can tell you what it is, even better! If not, here are some to consider...
• Personal circumstances like energy level, hunger, illness, sleep deprivation, emotional disturbance or conflict at home or in the classroom, having to use the bathroom can all play a role in engagement.
• The environment itself can play a huge role. An activity that is loved in a familiar and quiet space may be loathed in a loud and unfamiliar space. Noise, smell, lighting, physical structure and its impact on mobility, crowd and population can all affect a child's response to an environment and her comfort level with engaging in activities.
• The activity is new. First times can be scary. Many children (and adults) are resistant to trying something new for the first time.
• The activity is developmentally inappropriate. Whether too hard or too easy, a child may avoid activities that are outside his developmental range.
• Distraction due to any environmental factor or combination thereof--whether it's internal or external can also affect engagement. This includes distraction from an activity a child did not feel done with prior to the moment or one she is thinking about doing later. 
• Performance anxiety is something that affects most people in some realm. It is unreasonable and also unfair to expect young children to merely "push through that." Whether it's answering a question in front of peers, performing in a show, reading aloud, trying a new food, or playing a sport or game, many children feel some level of performance anxiety.
• Fear of embarrassment is sometimes a factor of performance anxiety (see above) and sometimes also a factor of perfectionism in children who are sensitive to making mistakes or being "wrong." It can also be a manifestation of feeling self conscious in doing something new or outside of a child's comfort zone.
• Time can also play a role in engagement. On one end of the spectrum, children may grow bored and disengage--whether it's because an activity is too long or a waiting period is too long. On the other end of the spectrum, a sense of being rushed can cause anxiety or even cause children to intuit that the activity is not important or worth their time at all.
• Processing differences affect engagement in a variety of ways. Children who learn best visually have a harder time in auditory settings. Children who learn best through movement have a harder time in stationary activities. Sensory processing differences can also factor in for children who may be greatly affected by a variety of sensory stimuli having little or nothing to do with the activity at all or even more so when a sensory aversion is triggered by the activity itself (i.e. sound sensitivity, texture aversions, and so forth). Executive functioning and organizational difficulties can affect children in settings where multiple things are going on simultaneously or multiple steps are involved in carrying out a task.
• Lack of Interest: Let's be realistic here--not everyone likes everything! Some kids are just not into sports. Some are just not into music. You don't love every part of your day, neither do our children.
• Control, attention and sneaky secondary benefits: This is that gray area I love! This is where a child's refusal or hesitance to engage with an activity has more to do with their desire to control the situation than the activity itself. It could be that they desire the response they receive from not "participating." It could be that this response is adult attention (whether positive or negative) or an opportunity to engage in a preferred activity (sometimes with the adult one on one or independently). 
• "Muscle Memory" is what happens when a child has done something in a particular way once or twice or a dozen times and continues to do so whether or not it is beneficial or necessary. A child who "sat out" of an activity sometimes continues to do so even past the point of needing or wanting to do so merely because she has done so before and perhaps needs support to know how to engage.
• Peer Pressure and Preference: Some children are motivated by what their peers are doing or not doing. Some will choose not to engage when a peer does so and vice versa. This can be a double edged sword.
• Anxiety, Learning Differences, and Behavioral/Medical Factors: For whatever reason, an activity is difficult or ill suited to a child because of severe anxiety (more than typical childhood fears and anxieties), a learning difficulty such as speech/language delay, gross motor delay, physical, behavioral or emotional disability and so forth. Please note that in these cases (and in most other cases as well) it is not a lack in the child who is not participating but rather a lack of accessibility in the way an activity is presented, taught or in the environment itself. 
• It should also be noted that if you are concerned as a parent or educator that a significant medical or behavioral issue is preventing a child from participating and engaging in activities quite frequently and that this is inhibiting a child's success and sense of self esteem, it may be helpful to ask for support from a professional.

"Differently/Disruptively" Engaged children may be eager to be involved in an activity but struggle to do so in a "typical" (as defined by adults) manner. They may call out answers out of turn or be physically mobile and wiggly during seated/stationary activities. They may be more prone to getting distracted or seem "spacey." They may be chatty with peers or veer off topic. While many of the actions and behaviors of a "differently" engaged child may mimic those of a "hesitantly" engaged child, the intent is not to avoid the activity. In fact, these children want to be a part of the activity but struggle to carry out the task. Additionally, some of the factors that play into the challenge are also the same as those that play into resistant and hesitant engagement. These may include the following (see above for more detail):

• Environmental factors
• Personal circumstances
• Learning, processing and developmental differences

Children with attention span differences may need more support to engage in activities that are lengthy and involve waiting periods. A child who is wiggly and moving around, however, may not necessarily be having difficulty paying attention. He may be struggling with core weakness or low muscle tone, making a seated or stationary activity more challenging. Children who are quite chatty and verbose during times that quiet is needed may need an alternative outlet for socializing--whether that means they need a gentle reminder of when there will be a time to share a personal anecdote or story or a space that is more conducive to independent working/listening (i.e. not next to a good friend). A child whose voice volume is louder or quieter than necessary may be struggling with an underlying auditory challenge or hearing impairment. Visual impairments and social differences can affect a child's gaze, focus or ability to make eye contact. Learning styles and potential delays can affect how a child processes information--whether it is directions given verbally, visually, etc. As always, a child's internal and external environment will also affect their success in engaging in an activity. While these are all potentially tricky things to pinpoint, they are all factors that should be considered when we observe a child being "disruptive" in their engagement with an activity.

Troubleshooting Time! I want to reiterate the power of involving the child in the solution. This includes asking him why he may not be engaging in the way you'd expect as noted above. But I also want to stress the importance of how you ask this. And to begin with, we need to toss out our expectations as much as possible. Sure, we have an idea of what engagement should look like, but it truly does look differently for different children. A child watching and experiencing something from "the sidelines" may still be enjoying herself and learning. Asking a more open-ended question of a child in concern--"how was that for you?-- might get you further than "why didn't you participate?" And asking "what can I do to help you feel more comfortable?" can go a long way further than threats or painful consequences. Here are some other things to consider:

• Make sure personal circumstances and environmental factors and are tended to. As much as you can, try to address any internal or external factors that may inhibit a child from engaging in an activity. Setting up the environment for success sets up a child for success.
• Assess Accessibility: Is your activity and environment accessible to all children? This includes (as much as possible) having an activity that meets the developmental needs and current abilities of all of the children present--even if you need to adapt for certain individuals. Automatically including small and simple accommodations in your space can go a long way toward eliminating issues. 
• Having visual directions, social stories and posters depicting multi-step tasks in areas where they need to be carried out independently can support all students. One example is having multi-step directions through photos or pictures hung in a bathroom depicting the steps of hand-washing. Another would be having a poster with pictures/print in a cubby area or entry way showing the steps of unpacking personal belongings upon arrival and packing them at the end of the day. This can be adapted to a home environment as well to support children in dressing themselves or bedtime routines. 
• Having a towel or wet wash cloth available in the vicinity of a messy play activity can go a long way in supporting children who are averse to getting their hands dirty. Having an option of a paint brush or other utensil can support children averse to the textures of paint or other art/sensory play materials. 
• Sometimes assessing accessibility can involve these ways of thinking "outside the box," and sometimes it's also more "inside the box" and "obvious" culprits that affect engagement. Can children reach and access everything they need to fulfill a task? Do you have access to everything you need in your space? Wait times while you have to go and gather materials or individually support a child who didn't have something they needed can cause a disruption to the natural flow.
• Evaluate Expectations: This one is so important and yet it is something I continue to struggle with both as a teacher and a parent. Whether it is my expectations of how an activity will be received or what a child should/will do with a particular material, I often find that my expectations do not match my outcomes. Sometimes I am pleasantly surprised. Sometimes I am disappointed, frustrated or confused. We need to keep our expectations in check--both for our own sake and for the sake of our children. On the one hand, I do think it is valuable to model working through emotions of surprise, disappointment, wonder, confusion, etc. with young children. On the other hand, keeping our own emotions and reactions in check creates a safe environment for children to express and experience their own. I may be averse to having my hands covered in slime, but you'd better bet that I am not going to initiate that activity by saying or demonstrating that feeling. I might, however, share that I feel that way later on into it and talk about how I move through it and enjoy the sound of bubbles popping in slime and watching it expand in its liquid form and gather into a ball when I apply pressure with my hands.
• "If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em!" If we are sitting on the sidelines ourselves, how can we expect our children to actively engage? For example, I take my boys to a story time at the library, but I am busy at my phone--either catching up on correspondence or taking photos (that's usually the more common culprit) and they are naturally more interested in my phone than in the librarian. Am I at all surprised when I  am more engaged with my phone than the librarian? Or, I take my students to a music and movement class, but I'm sipping my coffee and catching up on cutting out laminated pictures for an art activity that afternoon and suddenly I have half a dozen little ones lining up next to me to see what I'm doing. Is it at all hard to imagine that they would intuit that my activity is more important in this moment than what they should be doing when I am not participating? As a mother and as a teacher, I know full well it is unrealistic to feel that I should or can engage with my children at all times throughout the day. It is equally unrealistic to feel that they should or can engage in all activities throughout their day. It is very helpful, however, when we see children begin to veer off the course of their natural tendencies to engage to take a moment to reconnect with them and with the activity at hand. 
• Laying the Framework: We all know the value in building a strong foundation. When introducing a new toy, material or activity, we need to ensure that children know what the expectations are, how to use what is available and how to carry out a task from beginning to end. (Many times, we forget that beginning and end part of gathering materials and putting them away and focus only on the middle!) How many times have I put in an immense amount of time and effort into setting up a play area, work center or activity in my home or classroom only to see the children have no interest at all or play for just seconds and move on? When this happens, I go through my mental check lists of items above and then, if and when I have addressed everything else, I join in and play along. Modeling and connecting are huge aspects of helping children to learn in their school and home environments. Additionally, that aspect of connecting through shared play and experience are huge in building rapport and feelings of security. Children who feel supported and trust their environment and the people in it are far more likely to engage and succeed.
• Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater: When engagement goes awry--in whatever way and for whatever reason--it does not mean you need to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. It's ok to take a break. It's ok to come back to something in a few minutes or even much, much later. It's ok to reintroduce an activity or a material again, to start over or even to choose to abandon ship if and when that feels appropriate. I don't think the response is ever going to be the same in every scenario nor should it be. 

As long as we are meeting our children where they are in a given moment--knowing that this fluctuates even in the course of a day--and we are supporting them in moving beyond that space to grow and thrive at a pace that is appropriate for them, we are doing our part to support all children in engagement throughout their lives.

I'd love to hear from others on challenges and successes they've had with students and/or their own children in the matter of participation and engagement. Feel free to comment below or contact me personally. We will be back soon with some great winter themed play activities and survival tips for school vacation. Until then...

Happy Playing!

How to Support Your Child's Anxiety (While Keeping Your Own in Check)

Sometimes life here is sensory bins, light tables, play gardens and baking cookies. Other times, life here is kneeling in a public bathroom, wearing a disposable "firefighter's hat" and holding the hand of a little boy who is now using the potty (Yay!) and is afraid of loud noises like automatic toilets flushing and electric hand dryers. For S, loud and unpredictable sounds are overwhelming. Not all loud sounds, mind you. He is fascinated by drums, music, motorcycles, sirens, blenders, food processors, even the vacuum cleaner. But there is a fine line between fear and fascination, and some of these sounds began their life for him on the other side of that line.
S's sound sensitivity has its pros and cons, for sure.  He is keenly aware of sounds in nature, like birds chirping, bugs buzzing, dogs barking... He is particularly musical and rhythmic (the apple does not fall far from the tree). Just as easily as he can hone in on one sound to the exclusion of all else, he can also channel his focus (or lose it entirely). As a sound sensitive adult, I can empathize with his experience. I can remember getting lost in department stores because I got lost in the recorded music being played. I still loathe the sound of the vacuum, balloons popping, more than one song playing or conversation happening at once... I am also musical. I began demonstrating the ability to play songs I heard by ear at the age of three and began piano lessons shortly after. I started writing my own music at the age of 9, culminating in over 100 songs before I transitioned to writing mostly parenting and preschool jingles.
For S, a public bathroom is just about the most intense audio experience he could face right now. In a world where toilets, hand dryers, paper towels and even soap are automated and make unpredictable noises, the whole experience is out of his control. To top that off, many restrooms are shared spaces and someone could come in and use any of these loud and unpredictable appliances without any warning. When you are also new to the world of toileting and all that it entails, it is almost too much. It is one of the few fears that leads him to want to avoid a situation altogether and "just go home."
As a mom who leans toward the side of worrying herself, I also tend to reach that fight or flight response when I see it ignited in my kids. More and more, I began to ponder outings we could do so quickly that a bathroom stop would not be necessary. Or how bad would it be if I just let him have an accident and changed him in the car? Could he pee outside at the park someplace far off and out of view? Maybe we will just go to the library and Walmart until he overcomes his fear of every other bathroom in the world. But alas, our lives cannot stop, nor should they. Which is the point I reached while crouching in the corner of that bathroom yesterday, decked to the nines in my fancy shmancy disposable hat. The first order of business in dealing with childhood anxiety is getting your own anxiety in check...

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself! Ah, how that expression conjures all sorts of nostalgia... But it is a great reminder that you must affix your own oxygen mask before assisting others. And speaking of oxygen, a deep breath (or even a few) might not hurt here...
Childhood fears are typically normal and usually temporary. For a great comprehensive list of common childhood fears based by age (and tips on dealing with them), check out this article at Anxious Toddlers. Having a fight or flight response is actually a helpful thing. We want our children to grow to recognize risk and danger and respond accordingly. That said, we also want them to grow to experience and act on this response at appropriate times. As adults, we likely even remember some of our own childhood fears. Some of them we overcame and perhaps a few still remain. (I'm still terrified of throwing up, and I mean terrified.) As parents, we can do a lot to support our children's process in experiencing, working through, and overcoming fears and anxieties. This blog is all about play and play is truly a way that children are able to work through and process strong emotions. You can read up on some previous posts related to coping with childhood anxieties here.

Even while knowing all of the benefits of childhood fears and knowing that they are generally normal, healthy and temporary responses, it can be difficult not to experience your own strong emotions of frustration and concern. Unfortunately, sometimes our children read this emotional response in us as a reason to further perpetuate their own anxiety. If Mommy seems worried and upset, perhaps I should be, too. If we can get our own reaction in check (or at least delay it a bit and vent the frustration later on behind closed doors), we can better assist our little ones in shrinking those larger than life fears back down to a manageable size.

Preparation is (Almost) Everything: I say "almost" because when it comes to fears and worries, you cannot always predict a trigger. That said, if you do know your child may face a fear trigger, whether it's getting a shot at the doctor, using a public restroom or being separated from you for the first time (or several dozen times) at school--you can do a bit to prepare. This is a balancing act. There is a line between talking about an event in a way that prepares a child and reduces anxiety and talking about an event in a way that causes more worry and anxiety as it approaches. This threshold is different for every child and can be difficult to read. As a teacher and as a parent, I always find myself assessing (and re-assessing) when the best time is to talk about an upcoming event that may trigger anxiety. It can be helpful to talk about an event afterward that has a more positive association. This does not necessarily mean you are offering a reward for bravery (although you can!) but simply that there is something to look forward to along with the aspect that is less desirable. "We are going to the dentist today and on the way home, I thought it might be fun to stop at the book store."

Preparation also might involve having support tools with you, whether that is a security or transitional toy/blanket, a distraction (toys, games, cell phones/tablets), or portable objects that help with calming down (calm down jars/sensory bottles, stress balls, lavender essential oil, really whatever works here!). Familiar objects like family photos or a special bracelet or necklace made together or a small object to hold in a hand or pocket can sometimes help with separation anxiety. Fear and discomfort in public restrooms can sometimes be reduced by bringing a familiar portable seat cover. A plastic dinosaur with teeth can "demonstrate" how his teeth get cleaned at the dentist before it's a child's turn and a favorite baby doll or stuffed toy can come along for a check up. Social stories can be written, drawn and dictated by children along with your help to work through fear inducing scenarios and their aftermath. If possible, try to allow yourself extra time to navigate these scenes by arriving early or not having to rush out to another commitment. If you will not be with your child when he/she will experience a fear trigger, it can be helpful to go over who the helpers are, whether that is a teacher, a babysitter, a relative or friends. It can also be helpful to go over calming techniques. This might look a bit like this:
"And who can you go to if you need some help? [Teacher/babysitter/friend] can help you, right? And what can you do if you feel worried/sad?" Allow your child to come up with some of his/her own ideas and feel free to add in your own. "You can ask for a hug/hold a hand/take a deep breath/cover your eyes/ears..."

In the Moment: There are many tools to handle those "in the moment" fear responses. Once you've got your own wits together (this can sometimes be the hardest part!) you're ready to reach into your bag of tricks. Here are a few of my own that are helpful, but truth be told, this bag needs to be a bottomless pit. I'm always reaching for new tools when one doesn't quite do the trick or stops being effective. It's also useful to know that you and your child will not always handle these intensely emotional moments in "the best way possible." That is OK. While we strive to navigate these stormy waters as gracefully as we can, I firmly believe that what we do before and afterward are equally, if not more important. And remember that a moment is just that: a moment. It will pass. There will be many others. For better or for worse, when it comes to supporting a child's anxiety, there are many second (third, fourth and millionth) opportunities.

• Scene Scavenger Hunt: When I enter a public bathroom with S, we do a Scene Scavenger Hunt. "This bathroom is a family bathroom, which means it's just us in here." or "This bathroom has three stalls and three toilets. Many people can use it at once." "I see a sink and a hand dryer and a paper towel dispenser. And look, there's some soap! Oh, and there's a trash can... These toilets have handles that you push down to flush." or "This toilet has an automatic flusher. Shall I cover it up with toilet paper [or I recently heard a suggestion to use sticky notes] so we can flush it at the end?" A scene scavenger hunt can also include aspects that are protective in the environment. This may be people or objects that are comforting or identifying why a space is safe/helpful. The doctor's office can be scary but it is also a place where people who are sick can be helped and where doctors make sure that people are healthy. 
• Helpful Language: "Don't be scared," "Don't cry," "Be brave," and "It's not scary," are not always the most helpful phrases. For one thing, fear is not something that can instantaneously be turned off to make way for bravery. And bravery is not the absence of fear, rather it is the ability to move forward even in the face of fear. Crying is a natural response to many strong emotions, fear included, and actually releases endorphins in the brain that help to calm an anxiety response. That said, when intense emotions do arise and breathing becomes more rapid, it can be helpful even as a child is crying to assist with some slow, deep breathing. The language I prefer includes three parts: 
• validating/acknowledging the feeling: "This is really scary for you." "You feel really nervous." "The dog really worries you."
•  a conjunction that does not negate that statement (AND, not BUT)
• a restorative affirmation "You are safe." "I am here." "I will stay with you." 

An example of putting that all together might sound like this: "The hand dryer is really loud and loud sounds are uncomfortable. You can hold my hand and I will stay here with you as long as you need." or "The vacuum makes a really loud sound and it is safe." With separation anxiety, this is a bit different and might sound a bit more like this: "Saying goodbye is really hard and I will be back after lunch." 

• Calming techniques like deep breathing, singing a song, distraction, humor, comforting touch or just about anything that can diffuse and get you through the moment (even if it's not ideal or sustainable) come into play here. Bribery, sweets, prizes and rewards may not be the most sustainable option when it comes to childhood anxieties, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Ideally you want your comfort measures to be ones that you can always access and certainly options like mindful breathing, a comforting song or holding a hand are generally a preferred option, but don't beat yourself up over resorting to the powerful currency of lollipops, stickers or whatever gets you through--particularly for less frequently experienced fear triggers like getting hair cuts, dental checks or shots.
• Slow the Boat Down! If your child has a strong fear of something, chances are there are many other children (and parents) in the same boat! It can be helpful to remember you and your child are not alone and then to focus in on how to slow that boat down. Fear ignites a strong and speedy physiological response. It is exactly what the body needs to fight a predator or flee from the scene of danger. Yet, if that predator happens to be a porcelain toilet bolted to the floor, you probably don't need to run so fast and that level of response might be overkill for the system. You want to help your child slow that response. This can be done through modeling and involves slowing your own pace. Using slow and deliberate speech, taking full and deep breaths and reducing extraneous factors that are unhelpful are all ways to assist a child in fight or flight mode. You may feel like saying a lot, but saying less and merely being present with a child can go a lot further in the moment. 
• How big is your bubble? Several years ago when I was teaching, I had a student who had particularly strong emotional responses to a variety of stimuli. I began to use some imagery with him to help him decide and control how big his problems were in a moment and be able to move forward. Eventually, all I needed to say was "How big is your bubble?" and he could work through this process independently. You would introduce a technique like this outside of a high intensity moment so that you can access it with familiarity once a fear response arrives. Here's how it works:

"Imagine that [your worry/problem] is a bubble. [You can be specific here--for S, I would say "Imagine that the sound of the hand dryer is a bubble.] Worries can feel really big and the more worried/upset you feel, the bigger that bubble gets. Hold out your hands and lets blow up that bubble. How big is your bubble? Oh my, that is big! You feel really worried about _____. Now can you use your hands to make the bubble smaller? [Model slowly squeezing and pushing hands inward]. Can you gently blow the bubble away? [take a big, deep breath and slowly blow out] Can you pop the bubble and make it disappear? [poke a finger at the imaginary bubble and make a popping sound] What else can we do with the bubble so that it won't be so big?" [Children have great ideas with this one! One little boy even had the idea to put himself inside of his bubble and float away!] Imagery techniques like this one can help children slow down their thoughts and feelings and take deep breaths while also feeling an aspect of control over the size and magnitude of their experience. Once this is practiced a number of times "outside of the moment," it can be utilized "in the moment" as simply as asking "How big is your bubble? Can we make it smaller?"

Outside of the Moment: Moments of intense anxiety can feel like forever, but relatively speaking, they are a very small portion of the bigger picture of childhood fears. There are supportive tools that can help when life is calm so that the next time you're in the moment it's easier to get through.

• Be a Solution Sleuth: Every great detective knows how to scour the scene of a crime for evidence. Now you and your child get to play detective and find all of the helpful and useful evidence you can to diffuse the fire of fear and simultaneously add kindling to your child's self esteem. You'll be tapping into some factual resources about the things that frighten your little one. Libraries are a great resource for books both fiction and non-fiction about all kinds of common childhood fear triggers from thunder to hospital visits, first days of school and spiders--you name it, they've got it. Information is power and fears make us feel powerless. Armed with helpful information, we can regain a bit of power over the response and reaction. Do be mindful to balance how much information you provide. Again, the line is not always definitive, but monitor how your child is responding as you research and explore and be sensitive to times when reading and talking about worries are not the most helpful (for some, bedtime is not a good time to talk about fears).

As you're gathering evidence to shrink down larger than life fears, you'll also want to collect some evidence to help build up your child. Here it is useful to tap into past occasions on which he or she was able to overcome a difficult obstacle. It is also noteworthy to mention that while praise is sometimes helpful, it is even more helpful in these times to shift the focus on their own perception of their accomplishments. With S, that looked a bit like this: "Do you remember how you used to feel afraid of the dogs at this park and now they don't worry you at all anymore, do they? We came back again and again and after a while, you even liked to sit and watch them play! I wonder if we keep coming back again and again, if after a while, the bathrooms here might not feel so scary either." or "I can remember when you were too afraid to even touch the ropes at the gym and now you swing on them like a monkey! You must feel really proud about that!" Tapping into these moments of accomplishment stocks your file box full of supportive evidence that they can overcome this and any hurdle in their path. 

• Be honest. I am a huge supporter of honesty when it comes to childhood fears. I do not believe it is helpful to lie in order to "protect" a child from something that scares him. Shots do hurt. Someone might come in the bathroom and turn on the hand dryer. Dogs sometimes bite, but most of the time they are safe, especially if you ask the owner before coming close and give them space. Bees sometimes sting to protect themselves but most of the time they do not, especially if you are still. And on the other side of that coin, monsters are not real. Ghosts, witches, etc. are not real. Bears do not live nearby our house. Never use your child's fear as ammunition. It will likely come back to bite you both in the tush! If your child is intensely fearful of being left, it is not likely useful to say "see ya! I'm leaving" and walk away in the bookstore when she doesn't want to go home. Sure, she will probably follow you right away, but separations in other places will also likely take longer and be more intense as her trust wavers. 
• Be an example. I think it is important for children to know that adults had fears as children, too, and even that adults still have fears. I tell my kids about the things that scared me when I was young and even about the things that still do. I tell them what I did to get through the strong feelings and who helped me and how. I tell them that I used to be very afraid of getting my hair cut, but more and more, I practiced and one day, I didn't need to sit on my mommy's lap anymore and in fact, one day I even started to love getting my hair cut. I liked to play about it and pretend about it and now it isn't scary for me at all.
• Make a space for worries. While it is a delicate dance to know when, where and how often to talk about the things that worry your child, it is important to make a space where those thoughts and discussions are safe and welcome. We have started a new nightly routine instigated by S himself. Each night we always sing and talk about our favorite thing from the day and now we also talk about a "least favorite thing," which usually includes something that worried or upset S. For him, naming the experience when he's not in it helps to diffuse it and allows him to let go and move forward. If this is something that is helpful to your child, go for it! If talking about (particularly before bed) induces more anxiety and worry over it, this may not be the best time or place. You might instead look at role playing about it earlier in the day. Either way, do allow your children to know that you are a safe person they can talk to about their fears and worries whenever they need to do so. You can also help them to identify other safe people to talk to.
• PLAY! I've said it so many times already, but play is the natural way that children work through their fears and worries. Sometimes observing their play can help us identify what they worry about. Other times, we can engage in intentional dramatic play with them that assists in the process. Allowing ample time and opportunity for play ensures a safe and developmentally appropriate space for children to navigate their anxieties.

General Maintenance: The above are just a few things that can support a child coping with fear and anxiety. In general, there are things we can do for our children and ourselves to maintain a healthy control over anxiety and fear. These include (but are not limited to):

• Exercise, particularly cardio exercise helps release endorphins in the brain that combat the chemicals released during an anxiety response. Yoga can also be a great tool to combine aspects of exercise, breath control and thought re-framing/mindfulness.
• Adequate sleep and nutrition support the whole system in functioning through the day's highs and lows
• Mindfulness techniques can be really helpful with children and adults in coping with anxiety--there are fabulous books out there and online resources
• Spiritual practice and awareness of something larger than fears and even larger than us can be a huge protective factor. If you adhere to particular religious community or spiritual practice, this is a great resource!
• Having patience is easier said than done, but trust and know that this, too, shall pass. S used to be immensely terrified of the vacuum cleaner and now he is first in line to help with the chore, even toting along his own toy vacuum!

• Know when to push forward and when to step back. We do not want to see our children paralyzed by fear. Sometimes that idea triggers our own fear response (it does for me). And yet, we have to navigate (again and again) when to push forward and when to step back. Picking battles does not mean you surrender the war. Some days it is easier just to avoid the places that don't have S-friendly bathroom options. Some days it is necessary that we go there. Some days I have all the patience and time in the world and some days I do not. It's OK to change your mind. It's OK for your child to change his mind. Certain fears are unavoidable. We cannot avoid taking our children to the doctor because it is scary. Some fears are avoidable. If your child is terrified of heights, you probably don't need to force him to become a tightrope walker. But some fears fall into a more grey area and you have to decide if it is important to push forward and really ask yourself why. A child who is afraid of dogs might wish to avoid going into a house with one or might wish to avoid going to the park or might wish to avoid going outside altogether when he hears one barking. This is where you have to decide where the line gets drawn. Unless you are a dog lover yourself, you probably don't have to get one as a pet. But are you OK not going to the park? Can you get your child to walk past the neighborhood house with the yappy chihuahua in the front yard or does he turn into a wet noodle requiring you to carry him and all your groceries at once? The answer with these issues are different from person to person and it's something each family must decide on their own.
• Watch for less obvious signs of anxiety. Some children are verbal about their fears while others are more withdrawn. If you notice your child eating, sleeping and behaving differently, it can be a sign that something worries him or her. Some children may act silly when they are worried. Some may put their hands or fingers in their mouths. Some act with aggression when they are afraid and still others may be more tearful or emotional than usual but not mention specifically what is bothering them. Nightmares and sudden bed wetting can also indicate worry and anxiety. Children do not always process something that is scary as quickly as adults. It may take days, weeks or even months after a significant event for something to show up on the radar that indicates they were worried by it. Children also may revisit a significant event like this through play or talking repeatedly as time does pass. 

• This, too, shall (likely) pass. Just over a year ago, our smoke detector went off unexpectedly and S was very afraid. He was visibly distressed while it was beeping loudly and later in the day became suddenly paralyzed with fear and anxiety when he discovered that Barnes and Noble had smoke detectors, too! We had to leave the store, a very-pregnant me carrying him on one hip and come home. I called our pediatrician as S stood with his hand in his mouth in our front foyer refusing to come any further into the house. He assured me that this was likely a normal childhood fear and that short of bringing him in to have his elbow extracted from his throat should he shove his hand down far enough, probably we wouldn't need any professional intervention. Sure enough, S eventually made it back to the living room and back to living. Over the last year, we named our smoke detectors (George and Monkey), talked about them, had fire drills at school, and most recently, S built a one legged, one eyed, one-shoed Smoke Detector Protector that watches our smoke detectors each day when he goes to school "to keep them safe." Childhood fears can be intense in their prime, but they generally simmer down over time with support.

It Takes a Village: After all is said and done, I am reminded that it truly does take a village to raise a child and today that village is different. It's not all within the walls of our home or even the parameters of our neighborhood. It can feel isolating and it can also feel empowering to know that our village has now expanded as wide as the world and the click of a mouse. Use your village, whatever that may entail. Ask for support from other parents, teachers and perhaps your pediatrician. An objective set of eyes can help you to know whether you're dealing with a common childhood fear or whether there's a stronger underlying anxiety issue that needs to be supported. Many times, it can be comforting to know that other parents and children are dealing with the same experiences and you may even walk away with some fresh ideas and tips. If generalized anxiety is playing a role, there are amazing resources and tools through behavioral therapies and play therapy to support children and the adults around them. 

Toilet seat cover hats and toilet paper scarves might make me question my current fashion sense, but in addition to all the tools in my belt, a sense of humor and plenty of patience are vital. Play, as always, is invaluable. And that's just what we'll be doing until the next time...

Happy Playing!