I'm Round, I Bounce, But I Won't Bounce Back: Opening Dialogue with Children About Body Image

Mr. Harrington was a substitute gym teacher. He lived in my best friend's neighborhood and was retired aside from the occasional gig filling in for an absent phys-ed teacher. Rumor has it that in his time at home, he could be seen jogging around the neighborhood carrying a sack full of bricks on his back and eating a stalk of raw broccoli. Why do I remember Mr. Harrington? He subbed maybe twice ever in my entire public school experience. I remember him because he is the one who told me the following statement when I could not do a tripod:

"You have poor upper body strength. You are weak and you will always be weak."

In his defense, Mr. Harrington did not know about hypotonia or low muscle tone. Neither did I and most kids didn't get PT early on for things like that back then. I was not weak, but the connection between my brain and my muscles was slower than my typically developing peers. In addition to poor upper body strength in gym class, I also had chronically low self confidence. I decided early on that I was "bad" at sports.

I never tried out for any team sports, I never chose to engage in these activities and running was definitely something reserved for people being chased, G-d forbid. I grew up significantly under the curve for height and weight most of the time. When schools used to do the pinch test for BMI, I came up as the "fattest" kid in my class, nonetheless, because the ratio of muscle to fat was higher than most of my peers'. I had a "hollow leg" and could "eat whatever I wanted." "Where did I put it all?" "When I stood sideways, I disappeared!" I intuited a lot of ideas about size, weight, strength, health and movement--spoken and unspoken. But here's what I want you to know. Here's what I want you to remember. Early on, it's all reduced to two broad categories: ABCs and 123s. Letters and Numbers.

When I was small, I wanted to be big. I wanted to be the right number to ride that ride. I wanted to be the right number to wear that dress. I wanted to be the same number as my Mom and my Dad because then I could do the things that they did each day that looked so fun and amazing. And as I grew, the letters emerged. Letters I could use to now recognize my name. And then write it myself. And to read the books that were on that shelf. And make the grades that made the grownups proud. And letters on a keyboard that played up and down the space of 81 black and ivory tones. Numbers and letters that scored "perfect" scores and won me competitions and filled the pages of over 100 compositions.

But something else took place as well. I began to notice numbers on the scale. Letters next to the word "vitamin" making some foods "good" and some foods "bad." Letters like XS, S, M, L, XL and numbers on labels that made clothes fit or not fit and thereby made me worthy or unworthy of wearing them. I stopped wanting to be big. I wanted to be small. And it's not something we talk about a lot as women (or men, for that matter) but here's a set of numbers I'd like you to see:

63
81
204

I am 63 inches or 5'3" tall. At this height I have ranged in weight between the following two numbers: 81lbs and 204lbs. In May of 2000 I weighed 81lbs due in part to a lifetime of yet to be diagnosed and adequately treated disordered sleep and also disordered eating. On the day I gave birth to my daughter 8 weeks ago, I weighed 204lbs. I have seen a lot of numbers between those two figures and my figure has seen a lot of shifts as well. Many professionals with good intentions and great educations offered help to me with my disordered eating and body image struggles, but it's a tricky little bird, and while it's no longer a full on war at this point in my life, it's a silent battle in the background for so many women and men alike. And many professionals with good intentions and great educations offered help for the symptoms I presented with that eventually led to the correct diagnosis of my sleep disorder, but the very same symptoms that led to this discovery at the age of 26 are also ones that pigeon hole patients into misdiagnosis and ineffective treatment each and every day.

At some point in my life, I became less interested in numbers and letters and more interested in what my body and brain could do, like obtaining a college degree, biking 18 miles to and from my internship, learning to love hiking, yoga and even running (without being chased). I've never won a trophy or run a marathon but I've enjoyed a variety of ways of being active at all letters and numbers. And do you want to know something else? The three most intense workouts I've ever done were at my heaviest weights. I took home three gorgeous little trophies after those workouts and they keep me active and inspired every day. Mr. Harrington, if you're still out there, I'd like to see you push out one of those bricks you're hauling around with no epidural and then you can tell me I'm weak.

So why do we go from this stage of wanting to be bigger and bigger to all of a sudden wanting to be so small we disappear? Why do I have to be practically invisible for you to see me? And the answer is, very simply (though more complex, I fear), I don't. A few weeks ago, S quite innocently asked me why my belly is still big if C is no longer inside? I answered him, quite innocently, that it took a long time for my belly to grow as she grew inside so that it could give her a cozy place to get ready for the world. And it could take a long time for it to shrink back down and maybe it never would, but that would be OK because my belly carried her and Y and S and that is pretty cool. And today, as we walked out of my gym where I did my first workout since the incredible one I had 8 weeks ago in the L&D unit, S quite innocently said "Mommy, you are going to get so strong, as strong as Tatty!" "I am trying to get strong," I answered, just as innocently, "but I might not be as strong as Tatty. We might be strong in different ways and that's OK. You can have strong arms or strong legs and carry heavy things. You can have strong fingers and write and draw. You can have strong lungs and play a saxophone or a strong nose like Gerald Elephant and sound like a trumpet." S holds strength and shape on the same playing field. Why can't the rest of us do the same?

There is so much pressure and promotion after birth to "bounce back" and while I am round and I bounce, I have no interest in bouncing back. I just want to bounce forward. I don't want to obsess over numbers or letters for any reason other than computing math problems, reading and writing. I have leopard spots and zebra stripes and hair in all kinds of places I never knew I'd find it after these three pregnancies. I also finally wear a grown up shoe size, so that's pretty cool. I have friends who are on serious diet programs, some of whom even coach others toward weight loss. I have friends who have undergone gastric bipass surgery. I have friends who run marathons and even participated in triathlons. I have friends for whom food is only fuel and friends who love to eat for the pleasure of it. I have friends who will tell you that it is both, who can only eat now through a feeding tube. I have friends who teach Yoga and Zumba, friends who eat vegan diets, kosher diets, Whole30 diets or half the buffet diets. Some will say "it's easy: calories in, calories out." Some will say "it's hard and always a struggle."

And I am somewhere in there cheering everyone on in whatever brings you joy and wellness. Your path may not be mine, but I'm glad our paths have crossed. I'm not at the gym because I want some number or letter of the past. I'm there because, um, endorphins are amazing and energy spent is energy gained and I have three busy little "trophies" in my house that I need a lot of bubbly energy for. Health and wellness come in lots of shapes and sizes. So does beauty. So does strength. It's not black and white for me; that's reserved for piano keys. Grey is a fabulous shade, too and lets not forget red and orange, purple, blue...
I have three very important reasons to be well, to feel well and to talk about wellness on a level that keeps them on the same trajectory. Both of my boys also have hypotonia. Both have had PT, both keep active at their own gym and are, thank G-d very healthy and growing! Their gym teachers are encouraging and supportive but that doesn't mean they're never going to meet a Mr. Harrington, and when they do, I want them to be able to intuit over the sound of his words that they are strong and they always will be. Strength is about far more than hauling bricks and eating stalks of broccoli. And in some ways, I'm grateful for that old man. I'm just about stubborn enough to know that his words that at the time paralyzed me with shame are the same ones that pushed me to prove him wrong. Also, I kind of love broccoli, so we do have that in common.

And with three little differently shaped and sized growing bodies in this house, I want our dialogue to be open. We can reserve the numbers and letters on labels for those labels themselves. Food can be fuel and enjoyment. Broccoli tastes good and is good for you but ice cream is not bad. I have a deep-seeded habit not to look in mirrors so I may have my shirt on backwards and totally not realize it. But I hang mirrors all over this house because there's nothing wrong with seeing yourself, it can be a wonderful thing. Just look at my kids spending hours cracking themselves up at their own funny faces or strawberry juice mustaches. Postpartum bodies are not out of shape; they're a new shape and who the heck ever said a line is a shape at all?! I'm pretty sure I was awake for that part of geometry...

To my sweet sons and dear darling daughter; I'm round, I bounce, but I won't bounce back. You will grow; you will be the right number for that ride before you know it! You will have all kinds of letters in your life, but don't stop at A--there's DR and PhD and MR and MRS and MOM and DAD and don't forget to LOL. Prizes are sometimes metals and trophies and other times they are stretch marks and chin hairs. Embrace both. Be big enough to own your space; you've earned it. Be small enough to let someone share it with you; it's more fun that way. Be strong enough to face the Mr. Harringtons of the world and kind enough to love yourself just as much when you do. Try to find something you both have in common; that will shrink him back down to human size because no one's negativity should be larger than life.

Abundance in life isn't found in the number on the scale or the letter on your clothing tag. Your worth is not defined by a numeric figure or even your figure. What defines you is what is in your heart and your dreams and your willingness and ability to persevere toward both. Run if you love to but you don't have to be first. You don't even have to finish. Sometimes it is a sprint; sometimes it's a marathon, sometimes you're going in circles--but even the least skilled bicyclist quickly discovers that you only fall when you stop moving altogether. So keep pedaling, keep stretching, jumping, throwing, catching, seeing and laughing. Bounce back from the hurts of the world but for everything else, bounce forward. Life's a ball and you've gotta roll with it!

Happy and Healthy Playing

Beyond the Book: "Gregory, the Terrible Eater" by Mitchell Sharmat

It's been a while since we did a story stretcher here, and with temperatures outside cold enough to ice your coffee--literally (see photo to the left), an afternoon indoors is definitely in order. S has been learning about health and nutrition in school this week. He is very happy to be back in preschool! He loves being there and gains a great deal from the experience. He is, nonetheless, often reluctant (as many children are) to share about his day after I pick him up. I am creative with how and when I ask questions. Open-ended questions right upon pick-up, like "how was your day?" or "what did you do today?" are often met with silence. For one thing, he is very ready for a nap at that point and this transition is a challenging one. For another, the question really puts him on the spot and one thing he can control at three years old is what, when, and how he answers. Many days I will simply ask "would you like to tell me about school now or later?" He often says "later," and sometimes he says "now!" I ask more specific questions on some days, like "what made you laugh?" or "who did you play with on the playground?" And on all days, the  best glimpse I get into S's school experience is through his play. He will play about, sing about and talk about his school day throughout his time at home--you simply have to catch him in the act!

Another area that is a hot bed for three year old control is eating. I am here to tell you thirty years after being S's age that I am a fully recovered Terrible Eater. Before I was a parent, I vowed I would not be a short order cook the way my own mother was, often preparing three different dinners and barely sitting down to one herself. Y has been a total chow-hound these days, yet to meet a food he does not love. S began in much the same way, but around the age of two began to show preferences about foods. When his nutrition was less than optimal, we supplemented with homemade smoothies, which he still loves. He eats a variety of healthy foods (and enjoys a variety of less healthy ones), but he is definitely particular still and often reluctant to try new things. He will down a green smoothie, but won't eat a hotdog. He wants the same thing for breakfast and lunch each day. He wants a variety of options for dinner and none of them include what's on our family menu. My husband and I quickly decided not to allow mealtimes to be battlegrounds in our home. The energy level by dinner time is dwindling and it is also a family time after a long day of school, work, and other activities. It feels more important to have peaceful time as a family where there is something for everyone to eat than for everyone to eat the same something.

Gregory, the Terrible Eater by Mitchell Sharmat, illustrated by Jose Aruego and Ariana Dewey is a wonderful, classic children's tale of a goat who adamantly refuses to eat the foods his parents want him to eat. What child or parent can't relate to this? The only difference here is that Gregory favors fruits and vegetables while his parents would prefer he eat the shoelaces and cardboard being served at the family table.

This afternoon, we will enjoy laughing our way through this favorite book along with some fun extension activities. It likely won't change our dinnertime much here, but you never know...

 Eat a Rainbow of Fruits & Veggies Sorting Game

In this DIY sorting activity, I printed and laminated a collection of photos of fruits and vegetables in a rainbow of colors. I also printed off color coded words to label each of six brown paper lunch bags. Alternatively, you can use and label paper plates, use colored gift bags or canvas bags or even color code a six-sectioned party tray. S will have the task to sort the colorful fruits and vegetables into their correct bag. This is a great opportunity to talk about fruits and veggies your family likes or does not like as well as to introduce vocabulary around fruits and veggies you may not have tried yet. You can talk about how important it is to eat a variety of different foods in different colors.

Want to do more? If you have a toy shopping cart or basket or even a recycled/reusable shopping bag, send your little ones on a scavenger hunt through the toy kitchen (or even your real kitchen) to find more foods in each of the colors.

Take a Family Field Trip to the grocery or produce store and let your children choose a new fruit or vegetable to try. If it is something you've never had before, it can be fun to choose a recipe together to prepare it. S is often reluctant to try new foods at first, but if he chooses it, it's a game changer. Additionally, involving him in the preparation process also inspires a brave pallet. When he is particularly averse to trying something, I might offer him to touch it with his tongue. I do not force children (my own or students) to try foods and I also believe there is value in being honest with them about trying new foods. I do use language like "you may like it and you may not like it but you won't know if you like it unless you try it." I also tell them honestly about foods I don't care for as much or examples of times I used to not like something but liked it after trying it several times (like sushi!). Many enthusiasts on the topic steer clear of adults discussing foods they do not like in front of children, but I feel it is helpful to be honest and also to point out that different people like different things at different times and that's OK! It also opens up important conversations about how to politely decline or discuss foods that are not one's favorite.

Dramatic play is a big part of our afternoon fun here. S has been particularly into small world play and this miniature goat, chair and table and our collection of miniature toy food will undoubtedly inspire a great story drama! Y can join in the fun as well with this larger play set with a plush goat and toy food and dishes.

Color, Paste and Taste the Rainbow!

I found a great free printable on Teachers Pay Teachers to use as a template for this activity. I did a bit of prep work to save on time by color coding, but depending on your little ones' level of ability or your availability to assist, you can definitely leave this to them. You can provide printed pictures of fruits, veggies or other foods, stickers or magazine pictures to glue on and crayons for additional coloring.

Want to do even more? My favorite recipes to make each year when parashas Noach comes are rainbow fruit salad and rainbow vegetable salad.  S may prefer the taste of the rainbow in his favorite candy, jelly beans, but he also loves fruit and many vegetables as well. Presenting foods in novel ways is a great way to encourage your own terrible eaters or even just particular/opinionated ones!

There are so many studies to support the benefits of involving children in family nutrition. From farm to store to kitchen to table, participation gives them a connection to the important process of feeding and nourishing their bodies. S really loves to help in the kitchen. Y loves to be in there with me as well (especially if eating is involved or loudly banging pots and pans). For those times when I need to plow through a stack of dishes or prepare dinner with fewer cooks in the kitchen, the sensory table (also in the kitchen) is a great lure. In this simple sensory bin, just add soapy water and let your little hands scrub some fruits and veggies in a rainbow of colors! S has also enjoyed scrubbing actual fruits and veggies in the past (which is particularly helpful when I am making vegetable soup or a salad!) but soapy water and some interesting sponges or scrub brushes are always fun for little hands, no matter what is in the bin along with it.

We're off to an afternoon of good reading and food for thought. Happy Playing!