Think Outside the Box Thursday: Troubleshooting the Challenges of Nursing an Infant While Entertaining a Toddler

Ah, the joys of nursing an infant when you have a toddler. Nursing and feeding a newborn baby no matter how you do it is one of the most turbulent challenges of those early days and weeks. Each infant has his or her own unique strengths and difficulties when it comes to feeding. I have had two breastfeeding experiences now that are vastly unique and both of them leave me with a strong desire to remind my fellow mommies that 1) fed is best--no matter what combination of techniques works for your family and child, and 2) utilize support, even if you end up "double dipping" and asking more than one expert. After all, the greatest expert at what your baby needs is your baby, and he or she is not talking much about their expertise at this point.
On the other end of that spectrum is my very talkative toddler. S and I had a nursing journey that lasted just over two years when he self-weaned. It included many challenges, many triumphs, combinations of breast milk and formula, pumping (unsuccessfully with a broken pump) and in the end, a special bond and memory. And the memory is not just mine--my son who NEVER forgets talked about nursing continuously (without asking for it) even well after he weaned. At some point during our journey, he named it "nee nee," and it did not surprise me as we got close to welcoming his new baby brother that the topic emerged again. He talked a lot about remembering "nee nee" and described aspects of the experience. I was careful to word my response in such a way that I was honest and to the point. I recalled a mother who ended nursing her own two year old while pregnant after experiencing nursing aversion and not wanting the bond to end on a bitter note. She explained to her toddler that "mommy milk was all gone," but when he saw his baby sister latch on for the first time, he let out an angry and resentful cry. He felt that he had been lied to and betrayed--that she had still had the milk but withheld if from him. Both mom and her son (and even baby sister) all lived to tell about it and heal from the hurt, but I still tear up when I think of that story that I first heard while at the end of my pregnancy with S!
And so the language I used with S was that the new baby would eat "nee nee" as he/she would not be able to eat cheese toast or pretzels or applesauce yet (insert any food S likes.) and that "nee nee" is something Hashem gives to mommies for new and very little babies as they grow and that lasts until they no longer need it. (I do realize this is not true to every nursing experience, but I was aiming to bring it to toddler level.) I mused with the lactation consultant in the hospital the day after Y was born that it would not surprise me if S asked to have "nee nee" again once he saw his brother nursing. She asked what I would do if he did and how I felt about it? I responded that I was open to the question and the feelings behind it. I felt it would come from a place of curiosity and a desire to connect and bond rather than a need for the actual breast milk. My first mode of action would be to validate and fulfill those feelings with other methods before offering to nurse again, but that if he was very persistent with the issue,
In the end, I accurately predicted that S would ask for "nee nee" again. He joked about it a bit: "I no have nee nee," or even asked at times. He also requested that his baby dolls get "nee nee" but I could not imagine nursing my own infant plus three of his! He even tried to make off with a couple of bottles of milk I had just pumped one morning! We continued to talk about it and honor our own experience of having had "nee nee" together and I also offered immediate options of connection (like sitting next to Mommy while I nursed or reading a book together) or options that could follow my nursing Y (like going outside or doing an activity). Nursing was clearly one expression of the closeness S and I share that he sees is shifting now that he is a big brother. It is important that I nurture our unique bond in ways that meet his current developmental needs and that I am sensitive to his expression of those needs. Many times he merely needs to say something in order to move through it and does not need further explanation or accommodation. This is a quality I wish I could cultivate in myself!
Another challenge of nursing an infant with a toddler in the house is the aspect of keeping that toddler appropriately busy while you're tied down for a bit! I went into motherhood of two with a few tricks up my sleeve and have found some helpful and others less helpful. Since then, I have also found a few other tools to get us through. I keep in mind that we do what works while it works and if/when it stops working, we do something different.

• Busy boxes/Independent Play Activities: If you have followed this blog for a while, you know that I value children being able to functionally play independently as much as I value playing with them. Each has its own unique benefits and I have invested a lot of time and thought into encouraging S to be able to play in his own space and own way using his own skills ideas. Many of our Table Time and Independent Play activities are great for setting up and using during times a mom is nursing a younger sibling or busy with something else. 

• SCREENS: Yes, there's a place for them and this was one suggestion I had read again and again. Use this as your toddler's screen time. There were many occasions especially in the beginning that I flipped on a video during nursing sessions and at that point it worked well. However, I noticed as we did this more frequently that it became harder to transition away from the screen afterward (i.e. tantrums about videos) and that it was also leaving S feeling somewhat empty in the attention tank. It wouldn't play out right away with attention seeking behaviors, but rather later on (remember our book tearing fiasco?) when he processed his feelings of not having spent enough time together. It is natural for him to desire my attention especially when he sees it being shared with his brother. It is impossible to feed this desire in every moment of the day, but I realized I needed a replacement activity that would leave him feeling more connected to me and less connected to the computer screen.

• Audio books are a lifesaver! They are great for the Sefirah period if you do not listen to music. We check out a selection from our local library to listen to in the car and enjoy at home as well. Now when I am nursing, I can offer (or S will request) to listen to a favorite audio book together. Sometimes S likes to read along with the hard copy of the book and at others we just listen all together. It feels as though we are sharing in the experience and does not require my hands to hold a book plus a baby that may spit up at any given moment!
• Snacks that take a long time to eat. You read that right. And I'm maybe not so proud of it, but I read this on a social media feed and it's brilliant. If you need to buy some time to nurse your infant, provide your toddler with a snack that takes a long time to eat. Maybe it's healthy homemade ices. Maybe it's a bowl of dry cereal or some nuts and raisins or a granola bar, but it keeps him occupied and satisfied (and less likely to request a snack while my hands are full)! I make sure that particularly during Y's feeding after S's naptime (always an awkward transition of timing) that snack is set up for S on the little table from which he can get up and move around when he's ready and therefore he is not restricted to eating (as in a high chair) while I am feeding his brother. He can come and go as he chooses and knows that snack stays at the table. In this way, he comes in and connects with me and plays and eats when he is hungry.

• Playdough is my favorite babysitter. Well, second or third favorite, because we actually have some amazing sitters in our lives. Playdough is something that occupies my toddler's attention for a LONG time. It's messy. He mixes colors. It's gonna require some clean up later, but it buys me some time to nurse and is an activity that S feels is novel and special. Reserving a beloved activity just for quiet times or nursing times is a great way to make an older sibling feel special rather than neglected during these delicate balances of attention. 

These are things that have worked or are working right now. Many times, S simply plays during nursing and may require some verbal redirection or suggestions for activities intermittently. I'm sure we will grow through many of these tactics and find new ones as well. Stay tuned and until then....

Happy Playing!

Troubleshooting Family Challenges: Building Brotherhood

Becoming brothers has been a work in progress here. It began before the baby arrived with some strategic dialogue and activities with our soon-to-become-big-brother. We balanced the desire to plan/prepare our toddler with the important need to not overdo it and cause undue anxiety. As it got closer to the due date, we introduced some books from the library about becoming a big brother. We played about taking care of babies and talked about having a new baby brother or sister. We watched the "Daniel Tiger's Neighboorhood" episode about Daniel's new baby sister (over and over again!) and we talked with our toddler about his feelings. He expressed feeling nervous over the new baby crying and we made a list together about what to do when that happens. I laminated it and hung it in an accessible area.

I was fairly confident that this issue would self-resolve one way or another rather quickly, and it did! The first time my toddler heard his baby brother cry, they both simultaneously shoved their fingers nervously in their mouths. However, within a few weeks, my toddler was used to his brother's mode of communication and now he confidently says "check booba!" or walks over to his brother's bassinet and asks "are you OK?"

Big Brother LOVES reading to his little brother...

He also loves having his own turn on the activity mat once little brother is sleeping...it is fun to imagine life as a baby again and to relish all of those feelings of being nurtured and cared for. We make sure to address those needs in age-appropriate here-and-now ways as well...

Our pre-baby mommy & me date to the bookstore

As the days before our family would expand dwindled, I made time for a special Mommy & Me date to our local bookstore. We played and sat, snacked and read and even bought a selection of books on the topic at hand. Our family was about to change and in the face of change I love to plan. That said, not everything can be planned for. We did not plan on a cesarean birth and one of the greatest challenges I have felt in the aftermath is not being able to pick up my toddler. Thank G-d my husband was home a lot as he transitioned into a new job and we had babysitting help as well when he was away. We have also seen just how independent our older son is now--for better or for worse!

Playing about caring for babies helped prepare
Big Brother for some of the activities that we
would do with his new baby sibling. It is also
a playful way for him to feel a part of the role
of caring for his brother now.

Navigating this first month has felt kind of like a game of whack-a-mole. Once we seem to overcome one molehill, another one rises! We got through those emotional first few days and I returned home with the baby in tow. Then we got through preparations for and celebrations of a bris for the newest member of our tribe. Next we prepared for and made it through Pesach! Now, my husband is officially back at work and I am traversing the molehill (or mountain) of flying solo with the two little guys. Yes, it's a work in progress, but brotherhood is developing and along with it, a new sense of family-hood.

Some of our current favorite reads!

Some moments of some days are total triumphs. Big Brother loves to "read" to his little brother, gave him a sweet nickname ("boobaleh"), likes to show him his toys and give him his "sucker" (pacifier). He loves sharing the backseat of the car now and giving a play by play monologue of what his seatmate is up to. And some moments of some days are total flops. Like the afternoon I walked in on my toddler after his nap time to find he had torn several of his favorite picture books to shreds. It's a behavior that first crept up several months ago in an isolated incident that no-doubt got my attention. It was clear that this "repeated offense" was an attention seeking behavior in response to the quantity and sometimes quality of attention greatly shifting since our family has grown. I don't think he even understood the ramifications of tearing a book (that we can no longer read his favorite stories) or fully comprehended why he did it. Perhaps he was curious, bored, or tearing that paper felt good! I, of course, responded like a pro... Or maybe I cried and yelled and took all the books away and then calmed down and asked my sister for advice... Thank goodness for sisters who have A) been there, done that, and B) have degrees in early childhood development! She suggested providing alternative after-nap activities to be accessible in the toddler's room and perhaps some board books. She also suggested a sensory bin for tearing paper (without mentioning the books) and, overall, not to worry too much over it--this, too would pass. We've since purchased a bookshelf to put in a public family area (not the toddler's bedroom) to hold our children's books for everyone to use. Big Brother has found the scrap paper bin on his art shelf to be a perfect way to utilize the energy for tearing and cutting paper--which are skills so fundamental to fine motor development.

And I've also had a conversation at a less emotional moment with my darling toddler. He talked about "missing Mommy," and I talked about missing him as well! I suggested that we make a special time each day to do something together--just us. We have since initiated Mommy & Me dates again (albeit at home right now). Sometimes it is a "school" activity. Sometimes we play with a toy on the rug. Sometimes we read or draw or snuggle. Sometimes my toddler picks the activity--like doing Yoga or taking a walk! It's not always a "long" time, but it is quality time as much as possible--no phones, minimal distractions and interruptions. It was also becoming clear to me that our Big Brother was looking for ways to connect with his little brother. (I think Daniel Tiger may have given false expectations about how active and interactive newborn siblings are!) We've set out a basket of brothers' toys that both brothers can "play" with. This has been really helpful for joint play sessions and also a favorite space for Big Brother to play individually when little brother is sleeping.

The "Brothers' Basket"

We are adjusting to including a new member of the family into daily family routines, like davening (praying)...

Big Brother decided his little brother needed a Torah, too!

We are totally winging it. We are utilizing resources for support and revisiting things that work and things that need tweaking. Developing that "new normal" may feel like a game of whack-a-mole, but there's no need to make a mountain out of a molehill. The best gift we can give our children is a model of how to try and try again. We are building brotherhood here and it is a beautiful work in progress!

After reading a couple of books where older siblings drew family portraits of their growing families, my own little guy wanted to make a picture of his newly expanded family. I created and printed a family portrait template and picked up an inexpensive picture frame to display his work. This was one of our Mommy & Me Time activities and he loved it!

Troubleshooting Family Challenges: Making Moments versus Finding Time

His hair is uncombed but he found a perfect dandelion!

At his 2.5 year well check, we asked our pediatrician how to best help our toddler adjust once we welcomed home our new baby. He gave us some candid advice. "Give yourself 100 days. Mark it on the calendar. You're not going to parent the way you'd like for those first 100 days and that's OK. If after that date, you're still not parenting the way you would like to, let's talk some more." I kind of stored this tidbit on the back burner, and just as we round the corner of 2 weeks postpartum, I can tell you it is some of the best advice I've received to date.
How would I describe our household right now? Beauty through imperfection. We did a lot to prepare and plan and as with any birth, there is much you cannot prepare and plan for. Recovering from major surgery was not part of the postpartum plan I had envisioned and one of the most challenging aspects of that is not being as independent in these first several weeks as I would like to. I can't drive yet. I can't pick up my toddler yet. I feel better and better each day, thank G-d, and seem to have a case of postpartum nesting--so a lot of organizing and cleaning are happening here! I may be looking for things I can do to compensate for those I must wait to do. A few days into being home, I started to call my darling husband "The Prison Warden." We have found ways to laugh and trudge through the challenges of him playing many roles--father, husband, nurse, breadwinner to name just a few. We are simultaneously juggling the transition of becoming a family of 4, preparing for Pesach, and some major career changes for my husband. Sometimes, we feel rushed and harried and we're not sure whether we're coming or going, and then Shabbat comes or a couple of hours when both kids are asleep or we take a walk together around the block and we remember: it's not about finding time, it's about making moments.

Decorating a Big Brother poster that now hangs at his level outside our bathroom door. He was so thrilled to spend a short time together, just the two of us, doodling, drawing, dotting and peeling stickers!

When we were engaged, my husband and I were both encouraged to read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. In my early teacher days, I read the children's version of the book as well, The Five Love Languages of Children co-authored by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. I am most certainly a person whose primary "love language" is quality time. I do not need to spend all day with the ones I love, but give me five minutes of your undivided attention, and my cup is full! Although the authors suggest that parents cannot identify their child's primary love language before the age of 5, I am fairly confident my older son shares a strong response as well to quality time, whether or not that is his "primary love language." The dynamic in our house right now has surely changed and the phrase "embrace the chaos" might be appropriate at times to describe it. We have had plenty of less than perfect parenting moments when fatigue, recovery and hormones (for me) and juggling a whole lot has taken the front seat to our usually more mindful and attentive style. One pro is seeing how independent my toddler can be and he is proud of this as well. One con is that we sometimes (many times) miss those little signals that his emotional tank is beginning to deplete and before we know it he (and sometimes we, too) are all in meltdown mode. One thing that has really helped is shifting the focus from finding time to making moments.

Baking a cake for Shabbos together in the kitchen, which led to...

...baking a cake in his own kitchen!

It's so easy when you are busy preparing for a holiday or a family event to want to just plow through the tasks at hand and tend to less immediate needs later. I can recall a friend of mine telling me she makes a point when she's preparing for Shabbos to take her kids to the playground before she begins. She explained that she knows she has a lot to do, but if she invests that time before she begins, her kids are satisfied throughout the afternoon rush so she can accomplish the chores and cooking. I began to do this as well, not just before Shabbos, but in general when I had a lot of household tasks to tend to. I invested some time in an activity with my toddler without distractions or interruptions (as much as possible) and then moved on to my to-do list. Almost 100% of the time, this allowed me to get through the list with minimal kvetching and clinging from the little one! It's a brilliant investment plan and one that is carrying us through our current chaos with a lot of success.


It is unrealistic to plan for the same structure of homeschooling and play activities that we were doing even a month ago. That said, it is not unrealistic to plan for one small activity that allows my toddler and I undivided and uninterrupted time together each day. One of the things I had "planned" for prior to giving birth was that I would take my toddler out on a special mommy and me date the week we got home and leave the baby with my husband. What's happened instead is that we have gladly and graciously utilized the help of a great babysitter to take him on special outings and my husband and I have taken turns shifting things around at home so that we have time as a whole family, time with each one of the children and occasionally even time with each other. Big Brother definitely feels a sense of quality time when we do "school tivities [activities]" together, so sometimes our quality time is doing a quick project to learn about Pesach, an art project, or reading books. Sometimes he will pick an old project (like his 12 Pesukim book) to work on together and sometimes I reach into my personal stash of go-to favorites--like blowing bubbles, a short walk in the neighborhood, making bird treats or baking dessert for Shabbos. Having one activity planned for each day helps me to feel that we are still maintaining some semblance of routine and structure and also fills my son's emotional tank with the quality time he needs.

Continuing in some of the routines we incorporated daily before helps us all feel more grounded. Here are both brothers singing our morning davening together. Big Brother LOVES teaching his baby brother!

Some activities on the repertoire for this week include:

• "Cleaning" his room for Pesach (he loves NOTHING more than sweeping, mopping and washing things!)
• Sorting chametz and kosher l'Pesach foods in his toy kitchen and washing toys we will keep out in his toy kitchen for Pesach
• Decorating Big Brother and Little Brother t-shirts
• Making and decorating an aron kodesh (holy ark) from a recycled cardboard box to hold our play Torahs

Making moments is about creating quality time even when there is no time. It's also about finding the moments of beauty in the imperfection. In my most challenging times of teaching in a classroom, I would shift my mindset to see a moment of the day that went particularly well rather than struggling to see the success in a day full of significant struggles. The same tactic works well in our home. It would be easy to get hung up on the moment I lost my temper with my toddler or snapped at my husband or to get frustrated by the things I cannot do right now. Rather, I must shift my perspective to embrace the gift of having to slow down (even when I don't want to) and trust that as with all transitions, we will reach a new normal. Until then, we will embrace the chaos, make moments for each other and continue happily playing!

Playing about Pesach

Pesach Theme: Baby Moshe and Baby Brothers!

In case you missed our recent announcement, we have a new playmate in our playroom! With gratitude to G-d, we welcomed home a new baby brother into our family on Tuesday, March 27. You can read more about it here. As we moved through our home preschool activities over the last several weeks, I was mindful to include some play-based activities that would help to set the stage for our new addition. My older son went through a variety of phases of understanding what would happen before it happened and has continued to go through a variety of adjustment phases to what has happened now that we are a family of four. For a seemingly very long time when I was pregnant, if I told my toddler there was a baby in mommy's belly, he would smile and say "Nooooo!" in disbelief! (After all, in his mind, how could a baby get into his mommy's belly?!) One day, his response altogether changed and he announced that he wanted a baby sister. I explained that it might be a baby sister or it might be a baby brother (I had a feeling it was the latter although we did not know for sure). By the next week, he walked out of his bedroom one morning sticking his tummy way out and announced that he had a baby brother or sister in his belly!

Playing about taking care of babies helped open the dialogue to what babies are like and bring forth concerns my toddler had and questions. Having his own baby dolls also provides a great alternative for activities he wants to try with our sleeping baby that might not be so safe or ideal for the moment. In related news, his baby dolls are getting lots of walks in the toy stroller and plenty of bottles and pretend food from the kitchen set!

In addition to dramatic play, we also read books, watched videos, sang songs and lullabies together, looked at baby pictures of my toddler as a baby and did plenty of talking and question answering as the topic came up. 

We checked books out of the library. We played with dolls and sang fingerplays about babies. We went on a special Mommy and Me date to the bookstore and bought some books about new babies and big brothers. We watched a lot of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood--particularly the episode about his new baby sister. We talked a lot as we played about the upcoming changes and how my toddler was feeling about it. He had one major concern and that was how nervous crying made him. We made, decorated and laminated a list of things we could do if/when the new baby would cry. The morning before I went into labor, my husband took my toddler on a special day trip to Maryland to get food for Pesach and I had a sudden nesting urge to set up our playroom again! Maybe all that shlepping up and down the stairs would help get a move on things... Well, good thing it was just a day trip and that our playroom was ready to go. That night my water broke and the next morning, we left for the hospital.

Our 10 Plagues Sensory Bottles have been a favorite Pesach material since I first made the set 2 years ago. This year, we purchased this great Kid Craft Passover Set for dramatic play.

My toddler LOVES reading back through this photo book we put together last year before Pesach. We acted out, photographed and told the story of our family preparing for Pesach in the style of his favorite Shabbos book Is It Shabbos Yet? by Ellen Emerman. He loves seeing symbols and traditions of Pesach in the photographs as well looking back on how much he has grown in the last year! I think it also feels extra special right now to have a book all about him now that he is sharing the stage with a baby brother!

Brotherhood has been developing at a rapid pace here. All of the stages of coming to terms with our newest family member that I thought would take a few months to set in began right away. My toddler is very verbal and for this I am glad (even if my heart breaks just a little bit to hear his strong emotions). He loves his baby brother (this I know will also change and fluctuate). He is very anxious and fearful of doctors and medical environments, so visiting the hospital was a mixed bag. He liked to see me; he missed me, but the influx of stethoscope toting medical staff really triggered him. I had an emergency c-section after many hours of pushing and a baby that was a wee bit too big to make his grand exit in that direction. He was nervous about the "boo boo on Mommy's belly." The first time my bigger boy heard my baby boy cry, they both went straight for self soothing in identical finger sucking! The evening after I gave birth, my son and husband were about to attend a friend's 3rd birthday party when my toddler broke down crying in his Tatty's lap for 45 minutes. He sobbed and sobbed and said "baby scary" and "Shimmy sorry" (he'd had a lot of strong emotions that day), and "Tatty still love Shimmy." As much as these words put a palpable lump in my throat, I also know his talking about it is how he works through it and makes room to move forward. I'm so proud of him for how hard he is working as we all settle into our journey toward a new normal. And one of the greatest gifts of all has been our home preschool experience as a whole. It has provided us with routines that can happen at any time of day, a way to connect when we feel a little disconnected, and foremost, his ability to explore and cope through play has really supported him through this transition. We've also been mindful to have opportunities for one on one time with each parent and welcomed the help of a great babysitter to be a neutral friend to play with so there's less of that feeling of being ping-ponged back and forth all day.

There is plenty to celebrate and one of those things is this guy becoming a big brother! We've used language to describe the baby as "his baby" as well as ours, and made a lot of the joy and celebration at home and in our community about him and his new role as big brother.

It is only fitting that the Pesach story begins with Moshe (Moses) as a baby! Playing and learning about babies and adjusting to one in our home is a great supplement to our theme. While our homeschool activities are no where near structured and organized right now with the major change in our home, a holiday coming up and my recovery process, it is nice to be able to reach for a simple craft, grab a book off our shelf, sing a few songs or just play with our themed toys and materials as we prepare for Pesach. The most important thing right now is for our family to go with the flow and move at a pace that works for all four of us. There is plenty of learning going on nonetheless! The simple, yet familiar songs and activities that have guided us through our homeschool year so far are the very ones that bring my toddler the most comfort as he grows to embrace our newest homeschool student in the classroom/playroom.

There's plenty of time right now for self-led independent play. He spends a lot of time enjoying his favorite toys and playing next to his baby brother and sometimes enjoys to play and interact with his baby brother, who right now (thank G-d) spends a good part of the day sleeping!

We are going through the story of Pesach very slowly and bit by bit using some children's books (and Mommy editing to make it age-appropriate). This fun Baby Moshe craft incorporated the fine motor skills of lacing and cutting/gluing and was a fun way to make a seasonal decoration for our house as we prepare for the upcoming holiday!