The Dark Side of the Playroom: When Children's Play Makes Us [Adults] Uncomfortable

Child's play--most of the time, it's cute, funny, intriguing... It can elicit feelings of nostalgia or even wistfulness toward a simpler time, a more carefree existence, a level of innocence that existed before inhibition took over. Children play about common themes, usually those within their direct environment or some experienced through outside exposure. They look adorable dressed up in our too-big-for-their-feet shoes and it's charming when they imitate us (sometimes even revealing). Child's play is usually something that brings us feelings of contentment and comfort. On a deeper level, we know that play is the means by which children decipher the world around them. It is how they express and work through common childhood fears and conflict. It is how they build relationships. It is how they learn to navigate their physical environment as well as their emotional environment. But what about those themes of child's play that make us--adults--uncomfortable? Children playing about death or dying, children playing doctor about body parts that we consider private, children playing about superheros, magic, fairies, dragons, unicorns, the Poop Emoji (I couldn't help myself with that one), toileting routines in general, illness, romantic relationships/marriage, weapons, guns, killing, good vs. evil, "bad guys," jail, war, conflict... For many of us, at least some of these play themes make us quite uncomfortable. .

In my years of classroom teaching, I've experienced a plethora of classroom play dynamics as well as director-implemented approaches. I've taught in a center where superhero play, gun play, family play with more than one Mommy or more than one Daddy, and dress up in clothing that was "not gender appropriate" was prohibited by the school director. I've taught in a center where I had students in my class with a parent or significant adult in jail. I've worked with children who have a parent in the military and deployed. I've worked with young children who have experienced gun violence, physical abuse, a parent struggling with addiction, a parent who is chronically and/or terminally ill, sexual abuse, custody battles, violence toward a parent (even at the hands of another parent), and exposure to adult sexual behavior. I've taught in a classroom where, in order to be culturally sensitive, I decided with my co-teacher to bring in toy deer for a child who consistently played about guns and shooting in the framework of his family's hunting trips. For this child, play was a safe haven in a world that had exposed him to a great lack of safety and security all before the age of 4. His memories of hunting trips were one of the few positive experiences he'd had with his father. I've taught in classrooms where I worked to develop curriculum around rough and tumble play within safe parameters. 

From the parenting perspective, S has very recently reached the developmental stage of gun play, good guy/bad guy play, and building jails. Some of this is likely ideas shared with other children who have had more exposure to media with these themes than he has, although some of it is likely genuine to him and his own curiosity and development. While the vocabulary around it initially started with "gun-shooters" and "blasters," he's only more recently come home with vocabulary around it like "guns," "killing" and "bad guys." In other words, his play about it used to be mostly mimicked play but now it includes more of his own directed story-line. In talking with him and, yes, even playing with him, I've come to realize which concepts he understands and which he does not. We have even used this as an opportunity to introduce very rudimentary information about gun safety--as in, if he ever finds a gun or something he thinks might be a gun, he should not touch it and get a safe adult right away. And while I felt pretty secure in most of my teaching situations (not so much in that first one), I am a little less surefooted in this parenting end of it. I find that I have far more questions than answers to those questions.

Let me tell you as a classroom teacher what happens when you make a "no gun play" rule. You get a lot of "fire hoses" and "water shooters" and "squirt toys." In other words, kids find a way to meet that play need. And when I say "play need," it is because I genuinely believe that children meet a variety of needs through play. What is the "need" behind gun play? Good question! In an attempt to crowd source, I posted a question on my Facebook page about children and gun play--yay or nay? I got a plethora of replies. Many of the responses came from the perspective of boys at play even though I never specified gender in the question. Many used words like "dominance" and "aggression." Some addressed cultural tendencies toward gun use and gun ownership. Some talked about gun safety and directing play toward "target practice" and not people/killing. Some responded that they had played in this way as children, but were less sure now as adults in our day and age if it was still appropriate. I can't claim to know the need behind every child's play experience even with a common theme, but I can consider that the needs behind gun play may include some or all of the following for many children:

• exploration of power roles
• tension release
• exploration of "good versus evil"
• gaining a sense of control over one's environment
• social connection/relationship with peers
• curiosity about guns, violence, death/dying, etc.
• fear of guns, violence, death/dying, etc.
• mimicking scenes from books, characters, television, movies, etc. in which guns and violence are often glorified
• exploring concepts of security, rescue, protection
• enjoyment in that adrenaline rush/fight or flight response (similar to riding a roller coaster or seeing a scary movie)

On a base neurological level, studies have been done that show a reduction in anxiety and a release of "feel good chemicals" in the brain through simply saying words that begin with the "f" or "sh" sound. So for anxious drivers, a nice assertive "fudge" or "ship" from behind the wheel can go a long way! I would be very curious to know what the brain experiences during gun play, in particular with regard to those fight/flight areas of the brain and those that regulate emotional response. I do believe that play provides a space for children to exert power and control in a world that so frequently keeps that out of their reach. When children engage in uninterrupted and non-directed play, they are in charge of the story line, the time frame, their space, their body's movement in that space.

And then I wonder what happens when impart a value on children's play themes. And furthermore, what happens when we introduce a concept of "shame" into play by disallowing particular themes, labeling them as "not nice" or "inappropriate," or removing particular props or topics from their environment altogether. On the one hand I can tell you that a child determined to play about weapons will find a way to play about weapons with or without a sword, gun or bow and arrow. But here is another scenario:

A preschool teacher I greatly admire for her work in the area of dramatic play no longer allows (or least no longer promotes) doctor play in her classrooms because she experienced an incident with a student and sexual abuse. Without knowing the details, I wonder what would be different if she saw this experience as the play opportunity that led to a child getting help rather than the one that would forever remove this potential refuge for a future student, if it were G-d forbid needed. The fact is, that most of the time, play is, well, just play. Children frequently play about doctors because it is something that is relevant to their world. Typically it is not indicative of more than that. And if we were to remove everything from a child's play environment that could potentially be harmful or injurious, what would be left? We'd finally stop hearing the Baby Shark Song. Doctor kits would no longer have a syringe (although I must posit, do anti-vax parents remove these in case their children might play about "vaccine injuries?") Forget about kitchen sets--an oven or stove could burn you. And firetrucks, police cars, race cars, airplanes, baby dolls, stuffed animals, toy phones, bicycles, blocks, and Legos, definitely Legos...

On the other side of the scale, when we do allow for all play themes and topics, we enter a zone in which children are exposed through play to some novel topics we may or may not be ready for them to explore. In a classroom setting, children come from a variety of backgrounds. Each child's family and community has its own views and boundaries and further within that circle, each child has his/her own threshold for understanding and processing these concepts. Within the home setting, there may be more room for exploring such play themes, but we also need to keep in mind that what happens in our home playroom likely doesn't stay only in the home playroom.

In my continuing exploration of how to approach gun play and other challenging play themes at home, I have more bullet points on my list of things I don't know than things that I do know. I feel very strongly about play being a safe outlet for all children, whether they are playing for the sake of playing or playing for the sake of problem solving, working through challenging emotions, claiming a sense of control over their environment, navigating fears and learning about the world around them. In fact, I think that children's play usually crosses over many of these fields at the same time. When we tell a child "you're not allowed to play about..." we apply a weight to a particular theme that may not initially have held such weight to a child. It might become that red button that says "don't push me." It might lead a child to feel ashamed, embarrassed or confused. It may lead to more questions (and that's not necessarily a bad thing either) or it might lead to a child becoming more secretive in this form of play (and this is something that does concern me). I also think it is important as children grow up for them to learn about socially accepted behaviors even in terms of playing and talking about particular topics in some venues/company versus others. It is important as children explore developmental play schemas for them to learn that some parts of the body are private, about the importance of consent, about who the "safe" adults are and when it's safe/appropriate for an adult to touch them. It is important for children to be able to explore and talk about death, weapons, good/evil, etc. The challenging part for us is navigating how much information to give and when and then being able to empower children to continue to feel safe in exploring these topics while still "playing it safe," -- in other words, playing about adult-deemed "appropriate" topics in the "appropriate" environments.

I can remember as a child that I had a particular playmate who tended to play about certain themes her teenaged sister was experiencing, particularly dating. We had a playroom in our basement and I played there with friends often, though the door was always open and I know that my mother peeked and listened in. After one playdate, she simply approached me in a very non-confrontational way and mentioned that she noticed we'd played about these things. She said "if you ever have any questions about that stuff, you can come and ask me." Now as an adult and mother of 3, I see such a value and beauty in this simple approach. I did not feel shamed or embarrassed or afraid. It did, however, help me to realize that this was a topic that people my age might have questions about and wonder about. It created a scenario in which that door was not only open for discussions of play, but also open for discussions of those topics when they actually came up for me years later.

So what should we do when children cross over to that dark side of the playroom? While I can't even begin to scrape the surface of the answer, here are some of the things I do think are helpful...

• Ask before you answer: Before you jump in to the deep end, step back. Ask yourself what this play is communicating? Is it simply a game of "cops and robbers" or is there more to it? And after you ask yourself what is behind their play, also ask your children. "What are you playing about?" "What do you think that means?" I've found the most effective way of doing this is to be invited into the play scene (and this is a delicate process, because if children do perceive that an adult is about to hijack their play, they may clam up and disengage altogether). If and when you are invited to play, you can talk through characters or simply as yourself to find out a bit more. 
• Find out what they already know--this is your starting point: In exploring difficult topics with children, even in play, it's helpful to know what they know! Take this as your starting point. We tend to jump right into the over-explaining mode and it's easier on both sides of the conversation to take it at the child's pace. 
• Level with them: It is important to come to your child's level, both physically (as in, sitting down with them and not hovering over or shouting from across the room) and also cognitively. Adults approach adult topics with adult brains. Children approach adult topics with children's brains. In other words, it doesn't mean to them what it means to us. It can be helpful to remove the weight of adult perception and from there focus on how you'd like to proceed. 
• When to bring in the experts: First off, I give myself permission to bring in the experts whenever the heck I want to! It doesn't have to be a "dire" circumstance to ask for advice or support from fellow parents/teachers, family members, pediatricians or child psychologists. On the other hand, if you notice a child seeming stuck in a particular play scenario or exhibiting signs of trauma or distress, it is important to get some help on board. It may be nothing at all and it may be something. It is very important to err on the side of caution and within this, to also be a safety net for the child and not shame or punish him/her for playing about a topic that is "not allowed" or "not appropriate." Redirecting play here can be fine and in certain environments will be necessary. In addition, it is really important not to try to address the concern alone. Make sure to utilize supervision (if you are in the work environment) and community supports and resources..
• Can you meet the need behind the play in another way? When it comes to play themes that are not preferred in the home or in a school/social setting, it can be helpful to redirect the play while still meeting the child's need behind it. This can involve a bit of creativity and ingenuity on your part, but the "experts" are the children themselves! 
• Open door policy: This one applies both to the literal sense and a figurative one. It is important to notice and reflect on our children's play. This is our greatest glimpse into their world--a world full of wonder, curiosity, worry, discovery, and their role within that. Welcome opportunities to be invited into their play. And in the figurative sense, gift them the opportunity to play for purpose. To be able to write the script and man the wheel. Gift them opportunity for uninterrupted, uninhibited, self-led play. And also gift them that open door--that if they have any questions, concerns or worries, they can come to you. Today. Tomorrow. In ten years. Always.

And while I most often end my posts with a wish for happy playing, play is not always happy. Play is many things for many reasons so for today, I wish you all meaningful playing however that looks for you in the moment.