Troubleshooting Family Challenges: Creating and Using Social Stories to Navigate Strong Emotions

Whether you're a teacher, a parent, or both, you've probably been there! A child is navigating a difficult transition, a severe anxiety or strong emotions about a typical routine (i.e. bedtime). You hit the floor to play. You hit the books to read. You even hit the screens to watch others in similar predicaments, but, let's face it, raising and teaching these children did not come with an owner's manual. And that's where social stories come into play--they are the owner's manual you seek because YOU (the owners) are the ones who dictate/write them! 

Shortly after Y was born, my husband began a new job. We were so excited for this change. Besides being a great opportunity for him career-wise and financially, it also eliminated the 3 hours of commuting he was doing daily with his last job. We thought this would be a fabulous change for S as well, who so missed his Tatty during the weekdays. What we did not take into consideration was how much change surrounded the timing of this. First Y was born and I was away in the hospital. S spent most of his time with his Tatty who was at home. Then Pesach came and we were all home together. Then my husband went back to work, which now only includes a six minute commute each way, but is still a change to S, not to mention that he now sees his Tatty leave in the morning. S expressed his difficulty with this challenge in a number of ways. First he acted out once his Tatty returned in the evenings. We worked with that behavior by preparing him before Tatty came home that he would be home shortly and planning what he'd like to do. My husband and I also had to resist our urge to catch up with each other right away and make some space for S to do so as well. Next, S began to have difficulties with his Tatty leaving in the mornings. He first verbally expressed anger, saying he wanted to "break the door," and some sadness, "he not go work, he want to come home." Finally, he began crying when his Tatty would leave in the mornings (which in some senses was a relief for me), and I could see he had strong emotions about this transition that needed our support and guidance. 

On one such morning a couple of weeks ago, I was at a bit of a loss. I had tried talking with S and playing with him about it. I had tried distracting him and offering fun activities upon Tatty's departure. What I had not offered, however, was a venue in which those strong emotions were named and welcomed. He needed a space where big feelings--even angry and sad ones--were safe and OK. And I had just the space for it: a blank book from a set I'd found in Target's Dollar Deals section this past fall. I purchased a pack of these little books for projects throughout the year and we did use two, but the rest have been ready in one of my supply drawers for whatever projects came their way and a social story seemed to be the perfect candidate. A social story was a tool developed by Carol Gray in the early 1990s for use with children on the autism spectrum in order to help them understand and develop certain interpersonal skills. Using pictures/photos and appropriate text, they were used to model appropriate interactions and to improve overall social skills. I have used social stories both with children who have various special needs and neuro-typical children in the classroom setting to help navigate strong emotions, work through difficult transitions and/or depict daily routines (getting ready in the morning, preparing for bedtime, etc.). I have found them to be immensely useful in these situations. Using pictures children draw themselves, their own words/dictations and even photos of familiar people helps them to a) connect with and contain strong emotions in a safe space and b) empowers them to be in charge of their own story/situation rather than a prisoner to it. 

Lately, S has been really enjoying books about characters working through anxieties or difficult emotions--such as Daniel Tiger books, or Molly Bang's When Sofie Gets Angry--Really, Really Angry. Somehow, being able to present and work out a problem within the space of a front and back cover through illustrations and simple prose feels safe to him. I had offered the idea of drawing or dictating a picture to S on many occasions, but on the morning we made our social story, titled "Tatty Comes Back" (after the catchy Daniel Tiger jingle, "Grown-ups Come Back," I did something a little different: I set out a blank book and "mommy's special markers" and began to write and draw. I invited S to join me and he did, right away! Together we wrote and drew about our typical morning routine from waking up to getting dressed to eating breakfast. In just the same way, without excessive energy or fanfare, I introduced the "problem," Tatty getting ready for work and leaving to the office. I created a page where S could draw/write about his feelings related to this (he came up with "sad" and "like rain and clouds," and a page where he could draw/dictate his wish/ideal scenario (he drew/dictated that he wished it was always Shabbos--when his Tatty is home). We drew pictures of his Tatty's office, of him visiting his Tatty's office (which he does on occasion) and of Tatty coming home in the evening. We drew and dictated things we could do and say when Tatty leaves to help with the difficult feelings. S was so proud of his book and requested to read it again and again that day. He brought it out from his bookshelf the following morning even before it was time for his Tatty to go and the transition was much smoother. 

Now we have had a long holiday week and a change in routine again. I know that difficult emotions and feelings about this transition will likely crop up again; I'm glad we have a great book to turn to if and when they do. I also know that there will be many other strong feelings that need a safe space to be contained in and accessed from. Social stories are a great tool for this. Here are some things to consider if you'd like to make your own:

• What to use: You don't need a fancy book or journal, though you can use one. You can also use photos and a photo album. You can type your story, hand-write it and create illustrations in whatever way is meaningful to your child. You can combine photos, drawings, clip art, stickers/collage, magazine cut outs...
• When to create your social story: This is not always an appropriate activity to do "in the heat of the moment." When a child is in the midst of a strong emotion (i.e. meltdown mode), he may not be able to or ready to work on a social story. You may find it most helpful to begin the process on your own and invite the child to join you during a quieter time. Alternatively, sometimes being welcomed to the process merely by you sitting down and writing/drawing can be enough to distract from an intense reaction and help center and ground a distressed child.
• What role do the adults play? We can provide language and ideas, however, I do encourage as much as possible to give your child the ownership of this story. There are no "wrong" feelings or "wrong" words. Our response and affect also play a huge role. I try to maintain a calm and centered affect with children when working on social stories--even as they are talking about and working through strong emotions. That said, we also need to match and validate those emotions in order to appear genuine. Even young children can recognize when we seem disingenuous toward their emotions by not matching their intensity when we discuss them. Allow this activity to take as long or as short as your child needs. It's ok to take a break from it and return at a later point as well. I always offer that if we need to add more later, we can always get out the markers again! Sometimes a story changes over time...
• The parts of the social story: I like to include some or all of the following:
• familiar and neutral routines or environments surrounding the issue (in this case, waking up, getting ready for the day)
• the problem at hand and the feelings/responses it can evoke
• the wish: this one is a big one for me--often we think that allowing children to conceptualize how they wish things were will cause them to focus on that and become even more dissatisfied with what actually is. I have found the opposite to be true. Many times, naming a wish and an ideal scenario is enough for little ones. "I wish the playdate was not over; I wish we could play together all day!" or "I wish I could have the new bicycle today." Everyone needs a space to dream and a world in which those dreams are true. And sometimes that space is just what is needed to move toward a realistic solution in this world.
• support/solutions: this is where I incorporate tools that can be used in the moment. This part does tend to involve more adult input but can and should also invite the child's input. In our story, I listed and drew things we can do/say when Tatty goes to work. I also invited an illustration and some words from S. A child is far more likely to utilize a tool to solve a problem that he or she has developed!
• Making it accessible with an invitation to return: Once you have finished the process of creating the social story, it should be left where it is accessible to the little author/illustrator. I do not push or force a child to revisit their story, though I may take it out and begin to look at it myself when I think a reminder that it exists might be helpful. Even going so far as to tell your child where it is can help them to feel empowered and secure in retrieving it when needed. Telling and showing your little one that a social story about going to school is in her backpack can help ease separation anxiety at the moment of the transition as well as throughout the day. Additionally, I always tell my little authors/illustrators that we can add more or change things later on if we wish. 
• On the go! I keep a small pencil pouch with a notepad and colored pencils in my purse/diaper bag for use on the go. This is great for entertaining little ones while you must wait for food to arrive or an appointment. It is also great for impromptu social story writing should the opportunity and need arise (like resolving a playground squabble or writing/drawing a "wishlist" at the store when those wishes outnumber the funds in your bank account!).
• Have fun! This doesn't have to be totally serious--in fact, I encourage you to have fun, and when appropriate, be a little silly. Perhaps you draw and write about some sillier responses to a problem. It's OK to laugh and have fun with this so long as it feels genuine and appropriate to the situation. Laughter can often help release the intensity of strong emotions just as well as tears can!

We'll be back soon as we begin our Story Stretchers Mommy & Me Camp here. I think our first theme really rocks (spoiler alert!) and until then...

Happy Parenting & Playing!