When Little Kids Have Big Emotions

I recently saw the above image on a Facebook page I follow and it spoke volumes to me. As parents and educators, we often hear the phrase "self-regulation" in regard to the little ones in our care. But what does it mean? Are young children (think between the ages of 0-5) really developmentally ready to manage and express BIG emotions on their own? How about children older than that? Think about the last time you were really angry about something and your spouse told you to "just calm down." Worked like a charm, right?

When it comes to parenting and working with children in early childhood, there are a plethora of ideas and influences at our fingertips--literally. Social media, online forums and technology at large have expanded the "village" raising our children. This can be such a positive factor. It can also be overwhelming and at times, damaging. Our early childhood classrooms that were once a space for play and exploration are more and more filled with desks and chairs and expectations for children to achieve and perform. Our hours at home are no longer filled with the direction to "go out and play," but rather with extra-curricular activities and homework as early as preschool and kindergarten. And although our intentions are in the right place--we want our children to succeed--there is a price to pay and our children are footing the bill.

And they are not the only ones! Parents and educators are also paying a price. When it comes to early development, nobody tries to force a newborn infant to get up and walk. We know that first a baby must be able to support its head and then push up and then sit and in time, be able to move around and walk. There is an order of operations that are developmentally appropriate and we know that these require time and space and opportunity. We don't expect a newborn infant to verbally communicate upon arrival (wouldn't that be nice, though?) and we recognize that crying is their first language and respond accordingly. Furthermore, most folks aren't praising the quality of parenting or educating when babies do achieve developmental milestones or criticizing it when they move at a slower pace. But when you're the parent or teacher tending to a little one in the midst of a meltdown in the children's museum parking lot, you can bet someone has some unsolicited advice to give!

Let's face it: our little ones have BIG emotions. They tend to come in two sizes: large and extra large. Our emotional regulation center lies in the prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain, the one that helps us navigate big emotions, resolve conflict and control impulses, does not fully develop until the age of 25. So why do we expect young children to "self-regulate" before their bodies are ready to do so? The answer is likely multifaceted. We [adults] are often uncomfortable with big emotions. We like to "fix" things; we don't like when it looks "messy" or "out of control." We are also bombarded by images of smiling "well adjusted" children in classrooms, at home, outside, around town...not many of us post as many photos of the 4PM temper tantrum or the football hold on the toddler as you bolt out of the grocery store sans groceries...

But what if we stepped back and changed the language around "self-regulation." What if we introduced the concept as "co-regulation." Rather than setting expectations for our little ones to manage and control and express their big emotions on their own, what if we partnered with them to navigate those waves together. (And imagine also if we allowed that for ourselves as well!) It's not easy. It's hard to see our children hurt and angry and "out of control." We connect with it and whether or not our brains remember these very real moments of childhood, our bodies do. It's hard to be the teacher or parent with a child who is not conforming to that Facebook-friendly Image. We want to stop it, to fix it, to quell it, to stifle it. But if the eventual "goal" is for children to be able to regulate their large emotions, what tools are we giving them to do so?

I will wholeheartedly admit that while I did not struggle in this area so much as a teacher, it is much harder for me as a parent. With my own children, it gets personal. It's important for me to be able to slow myself down and move through my own large emotions while still tending to my children's while simultaneously separating the two! And tapping into my own tool belt includes (but is not limited) to the following:

What need is the behavior communicating? I believe all behaviors are forms of communication. That very newborn baby's first language is crying--it is, therefore, not surprising that many children resort to that first language or versions of it to communicate big emotions. If you can identify the need behind the behavior, it's easier to proceed. It can be tricky when one behavior communicates multiple needs either at different times or even at the same time.

Time and Space: Slow. Down. When emotions run high, we tend to put the pedal to the metal. Some children need time and space. While some folks are ready to swim against the wave, others need to let it flow over them and pass. Recognize that the way you navigate rough waters may be different than the way your children do and allow that to be OK. Also recognize that this might be even harder when the way you navigate those rough waters is the same. I am the type who sometimes needs that time and space, but I find it hard not to jump into problem solving mode when my children are hurting and need that time and space, not a hug and solution.

What's mention-able is manageable. Sometimes it just needs a name. Sometimes it doesn't need a solution, it doesn't need to be fixed, it just needs to be spoken. "You're really angry that your brother took your toy." "You're really disappointed that the video isn't working." Sometimes that is all that's needed to be able to move forward.

Proximity and Connection: All children need to feel connected to us and secure in that connection, especially in the moments of intense emotion. Not all children need or want physical connection or closeness in those moments. Some children do very well with a warm hug and a space on your lap. Others do best with you sitting nearby. Others do best with you sitting outside of the room. Sometimes it might be helpful to ask "would you like a hug?" Or "would you like me to sit by you?"

Laughter is the best medicine sometimes. Some children do very well with a silly distraction. Some do quite well with being redirected to another activity. Be mindful, however, if you perceive that a child needs support in sitting with and experiencing their large emotions first. Silliness and distraction can feel punitive or dismissive in these instances. On the other end of that, it's also useful to help young children navigate what to do when it is time to move on. Sometimes we can get stuck in these large emotions and we need a little help to step out of it and move forward.

Shut down and Reboot: This needs to always be an option. Our children need to know that sometimes it's OK to just give those big feelings a space and a time and let them out and then start over. They need to know that this is OK to do even multiple times in a day. We all  have days like that. We all remember that feeling of life just snowballing in front of us. We often underestimate how much our young children feel this, too. They need to know that one moment of one day does not define all of those other moments. This is how they will internalize that those big emotions do not, in fact, define them.

Play: It isn't a post on my blog if I don't mention the power of play. Playing about big emotions through modeling, role play and talking through characters is a great way for children to work through co-regulating big feelings outside of "the moment." My eldest recently got in trouble in school for something he didn't want to tell me about but he did want to tell his knit snake, "Snakey" about it and he asked if Snakey would tell Mommy. S told Snakey all about the incident and Snakey shared a similar experience with S. They talked about ways to handle it in the future; they had some giggles and Mommy was there in the background just in case they needed some support.

When to Bring in the Experts: As usual, I'm always a supporter of getting support. If you have a concern over a child's big emotions or even your own, it's helpful to get some perspective from an outside, subjective source. Sometimes it's all a matter of the tools you have. A plastic spoon is great for eating a yogurt; it is not great for changing a flat tire. The more tools you have, the more problems you can solve whether it's eating a yogurt or changing a flat tire--be prepared and arm yourself for both.

We'll be back soon and until then...

Happy Playing!