Play With Your Food: Our Family's Return to the Dinner Table

I will admit it. I have had it up to here with my resident particular eater. Not because I don't fully resonate with it--I was a notorious "picky" eater growing up and so was my husband. And not because I have concerns for his nutritional intake overall. My resident particular eater is the epitome of one of my own favorite childhood storybook characters, Francis in Bread and Jam for Francis. He will settle on one or a few foods for his meals and eat them daily until he grows sick of them. And that is where my feelings came in--empathy for the struggle he must feel when his relationship with yogurt for lunch every single day goes sour or his once beloved cheese toast loses its appeal. It's not anything particularly sensory related. It is somewhat of a control desire. And it probably also is somewhat related to anxiety over trying new foods, although he is not averse to trying other new things in life. Nonetheless, I want to meet his needs around food--both nutritional and emotional. So I decided to make some changes here and start playing with our food.

And by changes, I don't mean a complete diet overhaul. Heck, even I couldn't stomach that. And by playing with our food, I don't necessarily mean tossing mashed potatoes across the room. But in this house, we view food as fuel for energy and healthy growth and we also view food as enjoyment. In order to maintain both, it is important to us that we don't battle at the table and that we are kind and gentle with our own nutrition and with each other's. And then there is my darling son, S. He won't eat a hot dog. He won't eat a chicken nugget. He won't eat any meat right now at all, actually. He will eat a raw basil leaf. He will drink kombucha with seeds floating in it. He does not love chocolate. He does love lollipops. He enjoys helping in the kitchen and cooking and baking together. That does not mean he will eat or even try what we make. He loves to garden and grow our own food. He does not want to try any tomatoes this year. He does want to try a spinach leaf.

A while ago, when my husband was working later and the boys were melting down each evening waiting for him to get home, I instituted a separate dinner for them. Yes, I am a short order cook. Most of our dinners catered to S's particular tastes and Y, who's quite a bit more diverse in his nutritional approach, would eat what I made. That being said, the two or three meals that are favorites of S are not favorites of Y. He would end up eating a second dinner with the grownups! And I kind of missed the cue that we'd outgrown this method working for us until I asked my sister for some advice. In fact, the boys, although they are hungry in the afternoon when they wake up from nap, were not really needing to gobble up dinner so early. And with school beginning next month, our schedule will be running toward a later meal anyway. Moreover, when my husband does get home now, the boys would love to have both of our attention and connect, but we are busy eating our dinner. It was time to reinstate family dinner here and not just on Shabbos or holidays!

It will likely be an adjustment for all and we are not rigidly adhering to it if there is a day we need some family members to eat earlier or we grab our lunch boxes and picnic at the park. But bringing back the family dinner has helped us to reconnect at the end of the day and there's something at the table for everyone even if it's not one person's favorite every night. I'm not overwhelming anyone with all new recipes, in fact, my husband does almost all of the cooking here right now. [Last time I did all the cooking, I went into labor with C, so I think I'll enjoy this break for a while...] We are setting the table with one [more or less] cohesive meal. There is guaranteed to be something that everyone likes; it is not going to be the same food every single night.

And I recognize that for my little S, that is a huge shift in his feeling of being in control over his meals--exactly the feeling he is trying to assert. So I mitigate that with some playfulness and fun as he and the rest of us join on our journey back to the family table. Among his favorite dinnertime activities so far was an evening of playing with our food and making edible art!

Inspired by the cookbook Salad People by Mollie Katzen (a great cookbook author for kids), I set a platter of cut fruits, veggies, dried fruit, cheese and a bowl of pasta. The boys both had fun designing and eating their way through dinner. S created his own unique combinations of things to try and although I would not necessarily praise them for protein content, the bigger picture was getting him eager to engage with a variety of foods and feeling that he still had comfort and control in that. So did he eat any cheese that night? Nope. Did he eat a sandwich of kiwi on a multigrain rice cake. Yes. And Y was utterly thrilled to have more options at the table, particularly some of his favorites like hummus, cheese and noodles. 

And the fun was not over yet. After we cleared the table, the boys discovered it was still set--for art, Hevre Tullet style, per his book Doodle Cook. You can check out some of our other activities inspired by Hevre Tullet here and here.

We whipped up a batch of Colorful Shape Pasta that's still hanging on the wall across from the dining room table! There are a lot of approaches to family and child nutrition. There are a lot of ways to view food. Is it just fuel? Is it enjoyment? Is it both? I am clear in my own experience with eating and nutrition that I want that to be something my children explore and develop within healthy boundaries at their own pace.

Certainly there are foods that are more nutritionally dense than others. And there are foods that more enjoyable to us than others. We do not say no to sweets and treats here but we do have boundaries around them. We offer desserts on Shabbos and holidays and special occasions and once in a while for no reason at all. And still, there are tears here about treats. In seeing a nutritionist respond to this subject, she shared the one plate approach where everything, dessert included, is set on the same plate at the same time. Out of curiosity, I tried this one afternoon at lunchtime...

S loves to come up with recipe ideas and one day he came up with the idea to make pretzels and put icing on them to "glue" them together into shapes. He was so surprised when I said we could do that after dinner and a little disappointed when he ran out of his portion of icing. The next day at lunch, I heated up a few leftover soft pretzels we'd baked the night before. I put lunch and a pretzel and a small spoonful of icing on each of the boys' plates. S ate his yogurt and all of his pretzel and icing. He came into the kitchen and saw a pretzel still on a plate with some icing on top. He asked what it was. I told him it was my pretzel that I had not eaten yet.
"Oh," he said. "Can I have another pita with cheese?"
I was actually quite shocked he didn't cry and ask for another pretzel and icing!

And while I am not going to shift into providing and offering sweets and treats with every meal, I am reminded that children have a natural intuition with food and nutrition. We do have some strict boundaries around foods in this house when it comes to kashrut or to food allergies/sensitivities. We do set boundaries around appropriate portions and times for eating. But I don't label foods as "good" or "bad." We do talk about foods that are healthier and "give more energy" or help build strong muscles and bones, etc.

The world is full of don'ts and while we've all heard it at one point or another, today I'm taking the don't right out of don't play with your food. If separate dinners work for you; do it. If serving one meal and one table at one time works for you; do it. If making a poodle or a choo choo train or a kiwi sandwich on a multigrain rice cake works for you, do it. And if coloring on your placemat sounds like a great way to spend time at the dinner table, do that, too!

Bon Appetit and Happy Playing!