I've recently begun a series of posts about how I incorporate aspects of the Montessori Method into our home. One way in which I do this is by setting up opportunities for S to practice practical life skills--skills he would need to carry out common household tasks and activities. One afternoon recently, I decided to set out an early supper for S since he was having a rather late nap and would likely wake up hungry. We were also planning a Make Your Own Pizza Night that evening and I didn't want him to go into it starving. I also thought it would be helpful for him to learn and practice the skill of scooping from a shared serving dish onto his own plate in advance of having to do so onto his own pizza dough.
S loves "real" dishes--the ceramic ones the adults use, and not the usual plastic versions he uses. We always offer him "real" dishes on Shabbos and more and more, I find it nice to set his place with the same dishes we use during family meals. It's an opportunity for him to practice care around these fragile objects and for him to feel more grown up. And so I set a large but reasonable portion of cooked pasta into a white ceramic bowl with a matching ceramic tablespoon for a serving utensil. I set out his plate as well and some cut up cucumbers already on it. Rather than serving several items all at once, I wanted his first opportunity to practice this skill to focus on only one. I was sure he would literally eat this lesson up! And then I woke him from his nap and we came down the stairs and I showed him to his table. Y had also just woken up from his afternoon nap and I needed to change his diaper and feed him as well. I quickly explained to S what the bowl and spoon were for and as I was standing and walking toward the bassinet where Y was, demonstrated how to use it.
As I looked back, I saw S eating from the tablespoon directly from the bowl. I explained again what it was for: that it was a serving bowl and serving spoon--that meant that he was intended to use them to serve himself on his own plate, not to eat directly from it. He was insulted. He wanted to eat from a white spoon and from the bowl. I offered a different spoon. It was of no use. He also needed a diaper change at this point (which probably added to his own frustration and angst). We battled over colors of spoons for a bit before, out of frustration, I set the whole thing aside. I have really been working on not losing my temper with the kids and had an opportunity to practice that now. I took S by the hand and we walked upstairs to simultaneous change our setting and his diaper. Sometimes when I feel stuck, I find leaving the space we are in to be helpful for resetting.
"I'm frustrated!" I said. "We need a do-over! Can we have a do-over?" S was shocked. Usually these exchanges and battles of will end with me taking away a toy or an opportunity and sometimes they also end with me losing my cool. This time, I gathered my wits about me but still was genuine with my emotions. I was frustrated and so was S. It was important for him to know that we can feel frustrated and express it appropriately and have another chance to try again. He was so shocked, in fact, that he calmed down right away from his crying spell and was also ready to try again after changing his diaper.
I also reflected over the previous scenario to try and figure out where we got off track. And in scanning my memory, I saw it so clearly--how I was so eager in my intention to give over a lesson that I thought S would love but in practice I was rushed and my attention was divided. Discipline often conjures up ideas of punishment or negative consequences when in reality, discipline is the act of teaching. We are our children's first and most important teachers. When I teach in the classroom, my whole space and routine is set up to meet the children where they are at and to ensure that they are ready to learn. I never give lessons from across the room or the playground. I engage with my students at their level and part of that means being physically at their level. The other part of that means making sure that their basic needs for nourishment or using the toilet or adequate rest, etc., are met before beginning a lesson. In parenting, those needs are the same. Additionally, because there is not a 1:30 PM pick up in sight, we need to also address our own needs as parents through self-care.
In having a diaper that needed to be changed, being hungry, and also still being a bit tired, S did not have all of his needs for learning met prior to beginning our activity. He may not have been adequately ready to learn. Furthermore, I was not ready to teach! My attention was divided between two brothers who both needed diapers and to be fed and I was probably also a bit hungry myself.
In our Do-Over, I replaced the materials to the table, sat right there with S and demonstrated how to scoop noodles onto the plate. He followed up by scooping them himself--repeatedly until his plate was full of noodles. And, amazingly, he ate them all up! He was hungry! We talked as he ate and as I fed Y about how nice it is to try new activities and that it is OK to not know how to do something the first time. We talked about how even when we get frustrated, it's always OK to stop and ask for a Do-Over. Perfect parenthood does not exist. I strive for Good-enough Parenthood on a daily basis. I see success not only as having carried out my duties as parent and teacher to my children correctly the first time, but rather as how I am able to navigate and bounce back from the times on which I miss the mark a bit. These are the moments in which we all learn and grow. Part of each of those moments is asking ourselves: are our children ready to learn and are we ready to teach?
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