Think Outside the Box Thursday: Yom Kippur for the Very Young

Every year after the sticky, sweet, honey-drizzled fun of learning about Rosh Hashanah passes, we quickly enter the time to explore a bit of a heavier topic--learning about Yom Kippur. In actuality, both of these holidays are occasions of immense joy that hold a great deal of weight. Yom Kippur, although a seemingly somber day of fasting, asking for forgiveness and committing to improve ourselves, is truly also a day of sweetness. It is a day on which we honor and celebrate the beautiful relationship we have with our Creator and how much stronger a bond can grow when a heartfelt apology is made. This is likely why so much of children's literature on the holiday focuses on the words "I'm Sorry." These two words are so very hard to say and yet so powerful when said with full intent.

Reading Sammy Spider's First Yom Kippur by Sylvia Rouss
Yes, he's in pajamas and his bumblebee hat from Rosh Hashanah...

When I've taught outside of the home, I strongly adhere to a policy that is sometimes seen as unconventional: I do not make children apologize when they are resolving conflicts. When a conflict arises, I model empathy, particularly for a child who may have been hurt. I offer language for strong emotions, such as "wow, you look so sad," or "that must have made you feel so angry," but I do not say "now tell her you're sorry." I do not force children to "hug and make up." How many times in our adult lives do we find ourselves stuck in strong emotions and conflict? Many of those times an apology would go a long way, but what if we don't feel sorry? What if we're not ready yet? How helpful is it to either party to apologize when that apology is not heartfelt? I teach students about apologies. I teach them that "sorry" is something you say, but also something you feel and do. When you apologize for something, you feel remorseful inside and you do differently in the future. I teach them in these moments to ask how they can make it better or I offer ideas of how to do so. I do not force an apology when emotions are escalated because in the heat of the moment, children, too, may not feel ready to say (or hear) those words. In my earlier days of teaching, I became increasingly skeptical of the common tendency to enforce an apology the more frequently I saw children use the words as they simultaneously knocked over a block tower or begrudgingly utter them as a means to move on from an unpleasant interaction. Sure, we have taught them that "sorry" makes it "OK," and when it is a heartfelt apology, it often does help both parties to heal and move forward. But sorry does not always make it OK. Hurts still hurt and what we truly hope to teach our children (and learn ourselves) is the deeper skill of feeling empathy and being able to recognize and respond to our own strong emotions and the strong emotions of those around us. Initially, I cut out the "now say that you're sorry" part of my conflict support as an experiment to see how children might respond differently. Rather than telling them what to do to solve their problem, I asked them what they thought they should do. Many independently came up with "say 'I'm sorry,'" to which I always respond that if it's something they feel inside, it's a wonderful thing to say. Many also inherently came up with ideas to repair their relationships, which coming from their hearts were more meaningful and sustainable than any tool an outsider (myself) could give. My students taught me a great deal about relationship repair and what it truly means to make amends!
Yom Kippur is a wonderful time "outside of the moment" when we can teach our children, even very young ones, about the power of an apology as well as how to name and manage strong emotions. So in addition to telling the story of Jonah and the Whale and the many cute crafts and activities that can accompany that, I also incorporate some activities and literature about feelings. Here's a little peek at what we've been doing so far:

Tashlich, or the ritual casting away of last year's not-so-good-moments into a body of water with fish is typically done on the first day of Rosh Hashanah, but can be done until Yom Kippur. Here's a fun paper plate craft showing a pond full of fishies! Cut the center out of a white paper plate and cover from the back with clear contact paper or packing tape. Blue tissue paper "water" and construction paper fish can be stuck in the center by even very little hands for a fun holiday decoration.

To add another dimension to our learning about Tashlich, we also took a field trip to our local pet shop and brought home a couple of new additions to our tank!

This is a one of many books I love on teaching about anger. We are definitely in the terrific twos here at home where emotions of all sorts run on only one setting: HIGH. Many times those moments are not the ones that are most teachable, so we look for the quieter and calmer times to reinforce and expand on the language and problem-solving skills of dealing with anger and frustration.