Think Outside the Box Thursday: Mitzvah Notes and Marble Jars

We've been doing some toy rotation and reorganizing here. Most people Spring Clean in the spring; I prefer the Autumn! I've often expressed the value I see in doing regular toy rotations and swap outs at home and in classrooms. Changing even how an item is stored can add new life to a typical activity or plaything. For instance, we had inherited a toy kitchen set from a neighbor a while ago that was falling apart. We figured it had a little life left in it and it managed to last for another year or so here. My son loved playing in his kitchen area and it had great storage for his kitchen and dramatic play toys, but aside from literally collapsing into itself, even though he could reach and open all of the cabinets, he often played with only the toys on top and got frustrated that he couldn't find things when they were put away in bins on the shelves. When we found a smaller and more durable plastic kitchen set on sale at a thrift store, we decided to make a switch. The new set is just as perfect for playing in but lacked the same storage. I emptied an old set of plastic drawers I had in our closet and used that for his toys and he spent hours over the course of the day yesterday opening the drawers and playing with his kitchen set!
Meanwhile, my husband lugged the remains of the old wooden one out to the dump but noticed a few old mitzvah notes hanging on the back of it that we had written for our son last fall. This morning, I found them hanging on our living room wall and initially thought it was silly he saved then from over a year ago. Then, I smiled when I realized just how much value there is in these little pieces of paper even a year later. One year ago, my son spoke only a few words and couldn't even walk yet! Nonetheless, at least once a week my husband and I made a point to write down something he did to make us proud and hung it on display for all to see. Mitzvah literally translates to commandment and refers specifically to any of the 613 commandments mentioned in the Torah. More loosely translated in the Jewish world, we think of mitzvot as good deeds and acts of kindness. Mitzvah notes have been around for generations of Jewish schools and homes. A couple of lovely articles recently cropped up about the benefits of recording even the smallest childhood and parenting victories on these little pieces of paper. You can check them out here and here. As a teacher, I loved the ability to know a little more about what my students were working on at home so that I could best support it at school; it was a valuable communication tool. As a parent, even before my son could understand the most basic idea of this concept, seeing those little notes helped me remember on even the longest and hardest days of parenting how proud I am of my growing little boy. Those early mitzvah notes (and even the ones we record today) are more for us than for him!
I do, however, believe that children--even young ones--benefit as well from this type of positive reinforcement. There is a lot of discussion in parenting, teaching, and therapeutic forums these days on the power and use of praise. When and how is it appropriate to praise children. Do we over-praise? Do we under-acknowledge? The mitzvah note, I feel, captures the most important aspect of building healthy self-esteem regardless of where you stand on the praise issue: it shows that we noticed. Noticing the act goes beyond judging it or holding it to a standard. Noticing says that regardless of how we measure an act or what our standard is, you are seen, you are known and you are understood. And so we keep a tray accessible of paper or sticky notes or whatever we are using and we try to remember as often as we can to record those moments we noticed. We make a point to read them at dinner table and to hang them on the wall. We record instances of fulfilling Torah mitzvot and of helpful and positive behaviors.
In addition to the Mitzvah Note, earlier this summer we instituted the Mitzvah Marble Jar. As my son entered toddlerhood just before his second birthday, I felt the weight of parental expectations and frustrations impacting my relationship with growing boy and subsequently his behavior. So much of our day was spent correcting, saying 'no,' redirecting, distracting and calming tantrums. I sensed his growing frustration just as much as my own. I tried calm down bottles and breathing exercises and children's books about strong emotions (and I think I needed some of this more than he did!), and although these tools were (and are) helpful, we all needed to reframe our mindset. So much of what we noticed was focused on correcting unwanted behaviors and so little focused on the many positive actions my son was still doing all day. I used an old glass jar and bought a couple of bags of pom poms for the "marbles" and we made our Mitzvah Jar. Both my husband and I use it with our son (who now will even occasionally point out to us when he has done something marble worthy) and we make a point to bring him over to put in his marble and celebrate the moment. We make a big deal of it; we sing songs about it and dance and get excited. When it's full, we've had little Marble Parties in which we dance around the filled jar, empty it back out and celebrate with a small reward.
The keys to success of both the mitzvah note and marble jar concepts are that they visually track the accumulation of positive actions thereby inspiring and yielding more of the same. There is a popular Yiddish saying that in English translates to think good and it will be good. When we feel good about ourselves, we do good. Especially in regard to tools like a marble jar, we are mindful only to add marbles and never to take away. An unwanted behavior never results in removing a marble from the jar--you cannot undo a good deed that already happened by making a less helpful choice later on! With regard to the reward upon filling, we have done a few things. We have purchased a small toy or trinket for our son or taken him (with guidelines) to pick something out himself. The reward system can include picking something from a treasure chest or stash at home, earning a toy a child has their eye on or even a special family outing or meal together.
We definitely still have and always will have our parenting challenges. We are two strong-willed adults with an equally strong-willed growing boy on our hands and I don't think I'd want it any other way. He is a little guy with BIG ideas! Expressing and honing in our own ability to notice the positive helps our son to do the same. May we all merit to see a lot of good!

Keeping a tray of blank mitzvah notes ready to go helps remind us to keep track of those little treasures throughout the day!