So many questions plague my nightly insomnia sessions. Will my children be traumatized by this? Will we manage to stay safe and healthy? Will our loved ones stay safe and healthy? Will my children have the resilience to pull through this with strength and security? Will we? How do we support our children's mental health (and our own) in a time of global crisis?
There is so much I don't know. With everything I do know, I try to keep this ship afloat. I am so incredibly lucky that we are all currently healthy, safe and able to support our family's needs. So many are suffering out there in so many ways. I feel incredibly lucky as well to be here with my husband and children. While it is challenging to share a 2 bedroom apartment and small outdoor space that is now our home, office, cafeteria, kindergarten, preschool and nursery, I am not alone. My children are very young, and in some ways I feel that this makes it easier on us. They don't have the frame of reference to know how "not normal" this "new normal" is. They are still able to find joy and wonder in each and every day. They are still as enamored with jumping in mud puddles in the rain as they are lying in the grass on a warm and sunny day. They find the silver linings and they are the silver linings. I don't have a great concern over their academic development in this time of unforeseen and long term school closure. But I do worry about how this will affect their social and emotional health.
S started kindergarten this year. He is a kid who thrives on routine and predictability. Routine and predictability are out the window right now. He is a kid who needed more playdates and social interactions with peers, not fewer, not none. He is a kid who needs space and opportunity to move his body living in close quarters. He was excelling in reading (in two languages), writing, math, science, Jewish studies and more. He was working on challenges with focus and attention and executive functioning in a classroom setting and was about to get some support with this in his school. Now he is in an environment where, granted, that is less of a struggle, but also less of an opportunity to grow. While many of his peers probably struggle with this new Zoom "classroom" environment, having the ability to have all of his peers muted actually helps him hone in. If only real classrooms had a "mute all" option. He is naturally empathetic and sensitive to feelings of anxiety or uncertainty. In these circumstances, there is no way to shield him from that, but plenty of opportunity to support him in navigating these emotions.
Y started preschool this fall. He had waited for two years for this. Every morning, he came along with me to drop off his older brother and then go home. On his first day of preschool when I drove him into the parking lot, he gleefully shouted, "Mommy, it's my school, it's my school! And DON'T take me home!" And he loved his friends and teachers. One day, one of his favorite classmates went on a trip (a cruise) but then she came back. Another day shortly after, it was announced that one of his teachers was also going on a trip (moving away); she did not come back. He was sad and confused about this and still is, but he built a strong connection with the new teacher and continued to connect closely with his other teacher as well. Then came Purim. He had a grand time eating copious amounts of treats that day. The following morning, he put on his astronaut costume, jet pack and a rain coat and began walking to the van to go to school. There was going to be a Purim party that day and he couldn't wait to squeeze in one more celebration. Then, right on the top step of our porch, he said "mommy, my mouth hurts" and threw up. He wanted to go to school. He wanted a cookie. His Mommy told him he couldn't go to school because he threw up and then he tried to convince me that he did not, in fact, throw up, it was his baby sister, C! Then that Mommy took him inside, cleaned him up, gave him watered down Gatorade and plain toast instead of a cookie and the very next day, school shut down for the rest of the year. Guess you really can't go to school if you throw up. Oh dear...
And C? She's the kid, who ironically I see the least of. Now that we are all home and not shlepping around to pick up and drop off siblings, she finally gets to nap. She loves having everyone here, especially her older brothers. She was also just beginning physical therapy for hypotonia and now those sessions will take place via telepractice. She'll probably try to eat the computer. She (and her brothers) really need opportunity for movement and active play, and while a small space is just the right size for her small body right now, it's still hard to produce the many terrains of the outer world in our tiny inner portion of it. When will she see a playground again? When will she have an opportunity to experience mulch? A ramp? A swing? A shopping cart?
And while all of these concerns bounce back and forth in the empty spaces of 3-5AM, the greatest of them all is how this will affect the mental health of my own children and children across the world. There aren't strategies and support groups for dealing with pandemics with young children. There are methods and tools for dealing with grief and plenty of children are facing that challenge. There are practices for handling trauma but at this early stage, we can't really tell how this will affect children in the longer term. And children with all kinds of needs and supports to navigate them are living lives with less support in place rather than more. But here's what I do know. We do have tools to navigate the emotions that accompany this. We are facing this as a worldwide community and in that sense, no one is alone or isolated in this. So if, like me, you are looking for ways to support your own children's mental health in this time of uncertainty, here are some tools that are working for us:
A Duck Doesn't Always Walk and Talk Like a Duck
It is important to note that anxiety and sadness in our children right now does not always manifest in "obvious" ways. It may come in any or all of the following forms (and others not listed):
- "I'm bored"
- acting silly
- aggression and anger
- lower threshold and emotional latency
- increased requests for help with tasks they typically do independently
- "I'm hungry"
- acting out worries through play (death, illness, even violence)
- testing limits and boundaries
- tearful moments
- angry outbursts and tantrums
- seeming withdrawn
- refusal to cooperate or participate in planned activities
- increased or decreased appetite
- regression in developmental behaviors (i.e. toileting, sleep patterns, etc.)
- being "clingy," more attached and more emotional at separations (i.e. bed or nap times, a parent leaving the room or house)
This list is by no means comprehensive, but the important thing is to keep an open eye and an open mind. Try to identify and recognize when your child may be experiencing and expressing anxiety and sadness. It is hard and it is also challenging to meet these needs with our own anxiety and sadness in tow.
Speaking of our own anxiety and sadness... I am not going to tell you to "keep it in check." It's up and down. These are not going to be "perfect" times and I have to believe that this is OK. I believe in trying our best and trying again when we miss that mark. I believe in being honest with our children at an age appropriate level. It is important that they know that we are here to support them in every way we can. It is important they know that we want to keep them healthy and safe and that we love them and care about them. It is important that they know that there is a lot we don't know, but when we know more we will tell them. It is important that they know they can ask us any question or talk about any worry no matter how big or small it may feel.
And for us--we need to give ourselves a space and time to feel our own worry and grief. I tend to be able to surpass the paralysis stage of it when I can put something into action. I find it personally helpful to work on planning things I can when so many things cannot be planned for now. For me, that looks like creative work. I have found it challenging to not have any time "to myself" anymore, but I have also learned that I don't need to save my creative endeavors for times when no one else is around. I can craft and knit and write and organize while we are all together. So I am baking, sewing, knitting and planting all of the things. Apartmentsteading, if you will.
It is not perfect. I have lost my patience. So has my husband. I have cried once in front of the kids. I have cried a LOT of times at night when they are asleep. I have navigated the space between remaining connected through social networking and being over connected to the point of anxiety. Then, as if it, too had simply had enough of this all, my phone died. So for the better part of this week I have been pretty unplugged--so socially distant that I now want social distancing extra credit! I have also been more tuned in to my kids and able to overhear some of their play and processing. And I have also been far less anxious with limited and more intentional exposure to media. So on that note, I also recommend deciding for yourself what, how much and what type of media exposure is helpful to you in this time. It's ok if that changes from one day to the next. Give yourself a time to talk to another adult whether it is a spouse, a friend, a family member or a professional (or maybe all of the above).
Children and Media Exposure:
On the topic of media exposure, it's important to be mindful of what information children are getting, how they are getting it and how they are processing it. It may be a good idea to refrain from having the news on during times that young children are present. Alternatively, you might consider seeking helpful media resources and watching them together with your children.
An Attitude of Gratitude:
Studies have shown that in times of crisis, an attitude of gratitude is a huge support factor. Finding things to be grateful for and ways to "get out of ourselves" can help to support our own mental health and well being. I do not think, however, that this means we must ignore the feelings of sadness and grief and worry--those feelings are real and valid. But there is room in those feelings to still be able to find moments of joy and glimpses of hope. If gratitude isn't your thing, maybe humor is. Or distraction. A favorite hobby. A new hobby. And encourage these support tools in your children as well.
Remaining Socially Distant AND Connected:
This is so hard. We all feel trapped and isolated. For those of us like myself who are more introverted and prefer less physical touch, this may not be as challenging as it is for those who are very extroverted and whose primary love language may be a hug from a friend. It is important to help our children feel as connected to friends and loved ones as possible while still practicing safe social distancing. Video chats and phone calls and even mail (with safety restrictions observed) can help. Also recognizing signs that your child needs more connection with you at this time can be helpful. It is definitely draining when the need is so high and I find myself pretty exhausted by the end of each day. But I am trying more and more to lean into that rather than resisting it. Even my least snuggly kid is more interested than usual in cuddling up next to me and maybe I even need a bit more of that, too.
About this whole Zoom school thing...
I can't speak for other parents or educators right now, but as a parent and educator myself, I'd say go with what works here. I am so grateful to all the effort and perseverance my children's teachers are putting forth. S is doing pretty well right now with the whole Zoom class thing. Y likes the time with me during his virtual "Circle Time" and likes seeing his teachers and friends, but sitting in front of a screen when you are 3 and have low vision is not the ideal learning style. If your kids are loving this, go with it. If they are not, close the laptop and do what works. Don't let this be a battle or additional stress factor. Your child is not going to fall behind his peers when all of his peers are also experiencing this. We will all be navigating the new starting spot when things resume in the Fall. Consider this "emergent curriculum" in your home. Even those who have homeschooled or currently do will tell you that this is not at all what homeschooling looks like. If your child does times tables one day, great. If the next day he learns about math by eating half a bag of M&Ms, great.
Creating a "New Normal:"
Gotta hand it to you moms out there with your color coded schedules and newly preschool-themed living room decor. But if that's not your speed, don't feel like you're not earning yourself Mom/Dad/Teacher of the Year. We all get that award this year no matter what. I personally have made great strides in the the Stay at Home end of being a Stay at Home Mom. You don't need to make a schedule. Every minute of every day does not need to be planned and filled. Kids get bored and then they get past that. The space just past boredom is glorious. It actually was just filled here now by a very inquisitive S who finished his snack and was looking for direction and connection but a Mom who really needs a little more time to her own thoughts and now he is deeply engaged in a favorite book. That said, having some sort of routine can be helpful for everyone. That differs from person to person and family to family. Here it means that we do get dressed every morning. We have breakfast, play time, then the boys have their "classes" on Zoom. Then we have a snack, go outside, maybe do an activity together I have planned or maybe follow a lead one of the boys comes up with. They come in for lunch, Y has a nap, S has his afternoon "class" and then some time on the computer to play games for half an hour. After that, he has an afternoon snack and some time with me (which is about to happen here). C and Y usually wake up around the same time and join us. My husband finishes his work and we all have dinner. Then we usually do a family walk or a bike ride for the boys. C kind of joins us whenever and naps once in the morning and once later on. It's OK if the "schedule" changes. We go with what everyone seems to need in the moment. But having some routines and things that are predictable really helps everyone to feel a little more "normal" in this "new normal."
Staying Active and Staying Together:
Even in limited spaces, getting outside together, taking a walk together, playing tag or having a family race together can get everyone moving and releasing those happy endorphins in our brain. It can also open up conversations in a more comfortable venue than sitting down to talk together.
Document the Journey:
If your children are older, it might be a good idea to keep a journal. If they are younger, they may like to draw. They don't need to write about this experience or their feelings, although they may want to. But having a space to keep their thoughts and ideas can be helpful.
And When All Else Fails...
It's OK to start over. Once a day, once an hour, as often as needed. If you need to change the mood, try changing the room or putting on some music or lighting a candle. Be silly. Be sad if you need to but don't be stuck in it. Talk about what your wishes and hopes are. It's OK if your five year old wants to plan his 6th birthday party that you don't know when it will be. Just reassure him that it will be. And find ways to celebrate right now. Celebrate anything and everything you can. National Crayon Day. Check. Eat a Donut Day. Check. Tuesday. Check.
And When to Grab that Life Preserver...
There is no stigma here with mental health needs. We are all experiencing a mental health crisis. If and when you need more support for yourself, for your children, for your marriage, for your parenting--it is out there (albeit in a different venue) and it's OK to utilize it.
I'm off for my afternoon dose of Vitamin D and S giggles...some of my favorite medicine. Stay safe. Stay healthy. Stay sane and keep playing.
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