I'd like to interrupt this blog post to state that I have had a jar of molasses sitting in my spice rack for longer than I should publicly admit. The same jar of molasses. It has not once moved and my kids still move slower than that. I should probably go check its expiration date...
So yes, kids move at their own pace. A sometimes painfully slow one at that. And I get it on some level. Little legs take a longer time to get from here to there. Tasks like putting on shoes and coats and grabbing a school bag all take time when you are still quite new to them. But is there more to this picture than meets the eye? More than just dragging feet and dragging a heavy tote bag? You betcha!
I think it often boils down to one (or more than one) of the Four Cs. Control, Connection, Coordination, and Communication.
Why is the child who loves to play outside taking 20 minutes to put his coat, hat, gloves and boots on? For one of my former students, the issue was coordination. It was too many steps and an attention/focus challenge made it nearly impossible to carry out the task in the same space as his peers. Given a separate space in the room where he was on his own was exactly what he needed to be able to move through the steps of getting himself dressed (which he was physically able to do) without the myriad distractions of watching his friends and hearing them talk that made it impossible to even begin. Game changer.
Why is S moving at a snail's speed to get into his car seat on our way to that party? He's super excited about it, but he wants to control when we leave because transitions are hard even and sometimes especially when you are excited. It's also partly the reason that Y lingers in the car after we get home from his school day. He asks to be unbuckled even before we get to the parking lot, but then when he is, he suddenly becomes stagnant. He is not going to a party; he is going to nap. He knows that and he wants to control the time frame within which that will happen because even though he is totally exhausted, he also wants to stay awake.
And for him, it is also a desire for connection. He loves school so much. He's always enthusiastic to go--even and especially on the two days of the week he does not attend. And yet, his lingering about doesn't just happen on the tail end before his nap. It also happens after an hour of repeatedly asking to go to school before school starts until that moment it is time to actually go. Picking out his choice of gloves and hat and scarf is a 10 minute ordeal at best. And then five more to lure him out the front door and toward the van. And then the battle of coaxing him ever so gently toward the van and up to his seat... Why is he moving so slowly???? And then we get there, he is gleefully shouting "it's my school! Mommy, it's my school!" but once the car is in park, it's like a time warp has occurred and we are again in slow motion. This is more than just control, he's also seeking connection. Y loves school and feels happy and secure there. He also loves home and feels happy and secure there. He is leaving one happy and secure environment to enter another; he is separating from me. He is 2 and navigating the space between two such great feelings of love and security is hard. He needs to know that loving his classroom won't detract from his loving his home. He needs to know that feeling love toward his teachers will not take away from the love he feels toward me. So I breathe quite deeply over and over and over again. Because we will be three minutes late no matter what. And that is OK.
And sometimes, that pace is a means of communication. Sometimes it's in indication that a child is tired or hungry or unwell or worried or confused. We got to the party but now S is seemingly stuck in the mud. Is anyone going to move here?? Yes, but this moment of stagnation is communicating that the environment is new and a little loud and very exciting and before we can go sit down, we need to see and scan the room. Y was really eager to go home and eat lunch but taking forever to get into the car again. Why? Because he was hungry and his belly hurt and he was so tired from playing at the children's museum that he fell asleep on the 10 minute drive home. He was communicating that we had stayed a little too long at our first activity and he needed to eat and rest.
I often say that nothing is more exciting to my kids than our parked minivan. They might be totally enthusiastic to get home for a movie night or to the playground for my outdoor meetup, but once that van is in park, that's where the party is at. And they linger. They lag. They lollygag around. And two things have happened almost simultaneously. I have totally lost my mind (and temper) and also learned to recognize my own need to slow down. I am not quite down to a steady speed of Molasses Miles per Hour like they are, but I can manage to go from a gallop to a canter. To embrace the pace or at least grit my teeth trying...
Happy trails and, as always,
Happy Playing!
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