When It "Sucks" to Grow Up: Transitioning Transitional Objects

 When S was born, part of my birth and parenting plan was not to use pacifiers until breastfeeding was well established. That plan lasted for six [long and loud] days, when this photo was taken with S happily (or at least quietly) sucking away on the *only* pacifier we had in our house--a just-in-case-plan-A-didn't-work gift from my sister-in-law. It was practically as big as his whole head!
Paci, nookie, sussie, ya-ya, binkie, mute-button. They have many names and in our house, courtesy of my husband, they became known as "suckers." In fact, until rather recently, my toddler didn't even know suckers usually refer to lollipops or hard candies! From day six, his sucker was always nearby. I can track the evolution of my parenthood by the behaviors associated with his suckers. The early days when we washed them with hot soapy water every time he dropped one on the floor. And then when we washed them only if they landed face down...for longer than five seconds...or minutes...or had a visible collection of dust bunnies attached. And then we got smart and purchased the good ol' pacifier leash. At that point, anything they collected was as good as a vaccine.
At a certain point when S started to talk with his sucker in his mouth, we transitioned to having them only in bed when he was napping and sleeping. And a small (or big) part of me really hoped that his suckers would go the way of many other transitions in his life--like sleeping in his own bed, or weaning--and he would initiate the transition. But it didn't. And with his third birthday now behind us and a mouth full of healthy teeth and vocabulary, it was time...
So much of our childhood imagination is reserved for ideas about being grown up. We play about being grown up, we long for being grown up, we identify with and emulate the people around us who are grown up. And at the same time, sometimes growing up is hard! Becoming three has meant a lot of new things for S. Wearing a yarmulke and tzitzis are things he loves and takes pride in. Having a new, short hair cut has been an exciting change, and he misses his pony tail, which now lives in a ziplock bag! This past Shabbos, we offered S a morning walk around the neighborhood and his response was "I can't, I'm too old!" It was cute and quite hilarious (and he is full of clever excuses and negotiations these days), but on a deeper level, it truly speaks to the classic, existential dichotomy of growing older: wanting at once both the freedoms that come with age and the comforts of being young.
We introduced the idea of giving up his suckers on Friday morning and framed it as a "celebration." We would make this event special and celebratory rather than somber--or at least as much as possible! There are a lot of great methods out there for transitioning transitional objects, especially pacifiers. Some folks merely take them away. Some collect them for "babies who need them." Some invite the pacifier fairy to collect them and leave a prize in their place. Some folks transition slowly and incrementally, others do it cold turkey. Like many aspects of parenting, I totally winged this one. I felt it was important to be as honest with S as possible about it and also to keep things simple in terms of explanations--unless he asked for more information. We had already begun in the weeks prior to talk about how older children no longer use suckers and that when we have all of our teeth, in order to take care of them we must eat healthy foods, brush properly and not suck on pacifiers anymore. So on Friday morning when he woke up and came downstairs, I asked him if he'd like to have a special sucker celebration today and go shopping with Mommy and Y to pick out a special doll or blanket to keep him company in bed for now and a toy to earn once he could go 10 sleeps (naps and nights) without using his sucker.

He was excited! He put on his Batman watch and grabbed his "credit card" (a cardboard insert from a wallet we bought for my husband on his birthday) and we headed to his favorite store. I wanted to balance the process of ensuring he understood what was happening with not causing excessive anxiety or energy around it. We talked in the store as he picked out a big, stuffed Lightening McQueen race-car from the movie Cars (that he hasn't seen yet!) about how he will have this race-car in his bed and not have his sucker. We perused the toy aisles where he picked out a Lego set to earn after filling up his reward chart.

 When we got home, we unpacked our groceries and had lunch and before naptime was to begin, we gathered materials to make and decorate an envelope to collect the suckers and a reward chart to collect stickers as he earned his way to the new Lego set. I intentionally set up a scenario for instant success: he would get those stickers regardless because we were not going to give him back his pacifiers. I wanted him to feel ownership and competency with this transition; it's great for us to feel proud of him, it's more important for him to feel proud of himself.

I also intentionally left some extra time for nap to happen and chose a day on which we were not leaving the house in a hurry later and would be home, all together. Even though Fridays are busy as we prepare for Shabbos, my husband is home earlier and Shabbos itself is a slow and cozy family time. I knew this would allow for us to have extra time to nurture S in his process and support him at nap and bed times as needed. Additionally, in case things were especially tough, we'd have extra time to sleep ourselves! 

When it was time to go upstairs, Lightening McQueen led the way, driving up the stairs and saying "beep beep" the whole way up. We hung up his reward chart and opened the envelope to collect his suckers. Luckily for me, there were only two left to track down and find! I asked S if he wanted to put them in the envelope and he didn't. He wanted me to do it. As I did, I sang a little song to say goodbye to the suckers and hello to the new stuffed race-car. I sealed the envelope and continued our traditional nap-time routine. S asked for his sucker. I reminded him we said goodbye to the suckers to help his teeth stay healthy and strong and of the other things he had still to help him feel cozy and safe. He asked if he could have a new sucker. Again, I reminded him that we were saying goodbye to the suckers to help his teeth stay healthy and strong. I reminded him also of his new special race-car and the Lego set he was trying to earn. 

"Maybe I need two Lego sets, Mommy," he said as I kissed him goodnight and left the room. (Maybe I will need two Lego sets when this is all done, I thought to myself!) I told him I was going to go clean the bathrooms for Shabbos and would come check on him afterward. I find that if/when separations are challenging for children, knowing where we are, what we are doing and when we will be back is helpful to them. And I kept to my word. After I finished cleaning, I went back into his room where he was clearly still wide awake and offered some extra snuggles and kisses. I also brought him one of my special dolls, a stuffed Pete the Cat that we have shared back and forth from the end of my first year teaching after he was born when it was gifted to me by a student's parent who was also his babysitter at the time. He didn't want it or the Lightening McQueen, and I quickly figured out we weren't going to have a nap that day! Nonetheless, we stuck to our guns and had some quiet(ish) time in his bed.

Finally I heard the singing and chatting give way to crying. I went upstairs again and tended to his most current needs, which now included a new diaper. "It's hard to say goodbye to the suckers, isn't it?" I acknowledged and he agreed. That was enough to get him settled for the next hour or so until it was time to get up. His lack of adequate nap and anxiety about this transition definitely tempered his afternoon and evening a bit, but we had a special Mommy and S date to the pool before Shabbos began and ensured he'd be sufficiently tuckered out by bedtime! 

At bedtime he asked again for his suckers and we went through the reminders and routines again. He slept decently through the night but woke up crying early in the morning from "a sad dream in his bed." He napped over Shabbos and slept through the night as well but continues to ask, even with a "please" and negotiate over his suckers (like maybe he could give back the race-car and have back his suckers). Parenthood comes with its own growing pains: knowing you are doing to right thing but wishing that it didn't have to be painful for your child. Admittedly I know this could be way harder--he's not crying or losing massive amounts of sleep or showing signs of trauma related to this transition. This is healthy for him and so is talking about it and grappling with it. And at the same time, I wish to protect my children from the more uncomfortable aspects of growing up--and to protect myself from the fact that my children are growing up!
And so, as we support him in this transition, we continue to offer extra time and snuggles. We are open and honest with him about the process and we are patient. I was a thumb-sucker until age six. I genuinely remember how challenging it was to stop and I've shared that experience with S. We validate his feelings that this is hard and we focus on how proud he feels of himself and additionally, how proud we are. We continue to nurture in him that dichotomous desire to grow up and stay little at the same time, to celebrate, honor and validate transitions--even and especially ones that are challenging!