On the other end of that spectrum is my very talkative toddler. S and I had a nursing journey that lasted just over two years when he self-weaned. It included many challenges, many triumphs, combinations of breast milk and formula, pumping (unsuccessfully with a broken pump) and in the end, a special bond and memory. And the memory is not just mine--my son who NEVER forgets talked about nursing continuously (without asking for it) even well after he weaned. At some point during our journey, he named it "nee nee," and it did not surprise me as we got close to welcoming his new baby brother that the topic emerged again. He talked a lot about remembering "nee nee" and described aspects of the experience. I was careful to word my response in such a way that I was honest and to the point. I recalled a mother who ended nursing her own two year old while pregnant after experiencing nursing aversion and not wanting the bond to end on a bitter note. She explained to her toddler that "mommy milk was all gone," but when he saw his baby sister latch on for the first time, he let out an angry and resentful cry. He felt that he had been lied to and betrayed--that she had still had the milk but withheld if from him. Both mom and her son (and even baby sister) all lived to tell about it and heal from the hurt, but I still tear up when I think of that story that I first heard while at the end of my pregnancy with S!
And so the language I used with S was that the new baby would eat "nee nee" as he/she would not be able to eat cheese toast or pretzels or applesauce yet (insert any food S likes.) and that "nee nee" is something Hashem gives to mommies for new and very little babies as they grow and that lasts until they no longer need it. (I do realize this is not true to every nursing experience, but I was aiming to bring it to toddler level.) I mused with the lactation consultant in the hospital the day after Y was born that it would not surprise me if S asked to have "nee nee" again once he saw his brother nursing. She asked what I would do if he did and how I felt about it? I responded that I was open to the question and the feelings behind it. I felt it would come from a place of curiosity and a desire to connect and bond rather than a need for the actual breast milk. My first mode of action would be to validate and fulfill those feelings with other methods before offering to nurse again, but that if he was very persistent with the issue,
In the end, I accurately predicted that S would ask for "nee nee" again. He joked about it a bit: "I no have nee nee," or even asked at times. He also requested that his baby dolls get "nee nee" but I could not imagine nursing my own infant plus three of his! He even tried to make off with a couple of bottles of milk I had just pumped one morning! We continued to talk about it and honor our own experience of having had "nee nee" together and I also offered immediate options of connection (like sitting next to Mommy while I nursed or reading a book together) or options that could follow my nursing Y (like going outside or doing an activity). Nursing was clearly one expression of the closeness S and I share that he sees is shifting now that he is a big brother. It is important that I nurture our unique bond in ways that meet his current developmental needs and that I am sensitive to his expression of those needs. Many times he merely needs to say something in order to move through it and does not need further explanation or accommodation. This is a quality I wish I could cultivate in myself!
Another challenge of nursing an infant with a toddler in the house is the aspect of keeping that toddler appropriately busy while you're tied down for a bit! I went into motherhood of two with a few tricks up my sleeve and have found some helpful and others less helpful. Since then, I have also found a few other tools to get us through. I keep in mind that we do what works while it works and if/when it stops working, we do something different.
- Busy boxes/Independent Play Activities: If you have followed this blog for a while, you know that I value children being able to functionally play independently as much as I value playing with them. Each has its own unique benefits and I have invested a lot of time and thought into encouraging S to be able to play in his own space and own way using his own skills ideas. Many of our Table Time and Independent Play activities are great for setting up and using during times a mom is nursing a younger sibling or busy with something else.
- SCREENS: Yes, there's a place for them and this was one suggestion I had read again and again. Use this as your toddler's screen time. There were many occasions especially in the beginning that I flipped on a video during nursing sessions and at that point it worked well. However, I noticed as we did this more frequently that it became harder to transition away from the screen afterward (i.e. tantrums about videos) and that it was also leaving S feeling somewhat empty in the attention tank. It wouldn't play out right away with attention seeking behaviors, but rather later on (remember our book tearing fiasco?) when he processed his feelings of not having spent enough time together. It is natural for him to desire my attention especially when he sees it being shared with his brother. It is impossible to feed this desire in every moment of the day, but I realized I needed a replacement activity that would leave him feeling more connected to me and less connected to the computer screen.
- Audio books are a lifesaver! They are great for the Sefirah period if you do not listen to music. We check out a selection from our local library to listen to in the car and enjoy at home as well. Now when I am nursing, I can offer (or S will request) to listen to a favorite audio book together. Sometimes S likes to read along with the hard copy of the book and at others we just listen all together. It feels as though we are sharing in the experience and does not require my hands to hold a book plus a baby that may spit up at any given moment!
- Snacks that take a long time to eat. You read that right. And I'm maybe not so proud of it, but I read this on a social media feed and it's brilliant. If you need to buy some time to nurse your infant, provide your toddler with a snack that takes a long time to eat. Maybe it's healthy homemade ices. Maybe it's a bowl of dry cereal or some nuts and raisins or a granola bar, but it keeps him occupied and satisfied (and less likely to request a snack while my hands are full)! I make sure that particularly during Y's feeding after S's naptime (always an awkward transition of timing) that snack is set up for S on the little table from which he can get up and move around when he's ready and therefore he is not restricted to eating (as in a high chair) while I am feeding his brother. He can come and go as he chooses and knows that snack stays at the table. In this way, he comes in and connects with me and plays and eats when he is hungry.
- Playdough is my favorite babysitter. Well, second or third favorite, because we actually have some amazing sitters in our lives. Playdough is something that occupies my toddler's attention for a LONG time. It's messy. He mixes colors. It's gonna require some clean up later, but it buys me some time to nurse and is an activity that S feels is novel and special. Reserving a beloved activity just for quiet times or nursing times is a great way to make an older sibling feel special rather than neglected during these delicate balances of attention.
These are things that have worked or are working right now. Many times, S simply plays during nursing and may require some verbal redirection or suggestions for activities intermittently. I'm sure we will grow through many of these tactics and find new ones as well. Stay tuned and until then....
Happy Playing!
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