Troubleshooting Family Challenges: Building Brotherhood

Becoming brothers has been a work in progress here. It began before the baby arrived with some strategic dialogue and activities with our soon-to-become-big-brother. We balanced the desire to plan/prepare our toddler with the important need to not overdo it and cause undue anxiety. As it got closer to the due date, we introduced some books from the library about becoming a big brother. We played about taking care of babies and talked about having a new baby brother or sister. We watched the "Daniel Tiger's Neighboorhood" episode about Daniel's new baby sister (over and over again!) and we talked with our toddler about his feelings. He expressed feeling nervous over the new baby crying and we made a list together about what to do when that happens. I laminated it and hung it in an accessible area.

I was fairly confident that this issue would self-resolve one way or another rather quickly, and it did! The first time my toddler heard his baby brother cry, they both simultaneously shoved their fingers nervously in their mouths. However, within a few weeks, my toddler was used to his brother's mode of communication and now he confidently says "check booba!" or walks over to his brother's bassinet and asks "are you OK?"

Big Brother LOVES reading to his little brother...

He also loves having his own turn on the activity mat once little brother is sleeping...it is fun to imagine life as a baby again and to relish all of those feelings of being nurtured and cared for. We make sure to address those needs in age-appropriate here-and-now ways as well...

Our pre-baby mommy & me date to the bookstore

As the days before our family would expand dwindled, I made time for a special Mommy & Me date to our local bookstore. We played and sat, snacked and read and even bought a selection of books on the topic at hand. Our family was about to change and in the face of change I love to plan. That said, not everything can be planned for. We did not plan on a cesarean birth and one of the greatest challenges I have felt in the aftermath is not being able to pick up my toddler. Thank G-d my husband was home a lot as he transitioned into a new job and we had babysitting help as well when he was away. We have also seen just how independent our older son is now--for better or for worse!

Playing about caring for babies helped prepare
Big Brother for some of the activities that we
would do with his new baby sibling. It is also
a playful way for him to feel a part of the role
of caring for his brother now.

Navigating this first month has felt kind of like a game of whack-a-mole. Once we seem to overcome one molehill, another one rises! We got through those emotional first few days and I returned home with the baby in tow. Then we got through preparations for and celebrations of a bris for the newest member of our tribe. Next we prepared for and made it through Pesach! Now, my husband is officially back at work and I am traversing the molehill (or mountain) of flying solo with the two little guys. Yes, it's a work in progress, but brotherhood is developing and along with it, a new sense of family-hood.

Some of our current favorite reads!

Some moments of some days are total triumphs. Big Brother loves to "read" to his little brother, gave him a sweet nickname ("boobaleh"), likes to show him his toys and give him his "sucker" (pacifier). He loves sharing the backseat of the car now and giving a play by play monologue of what his seatmate is up to. And some moments of some days are total flops. Like the afternoon I walked in on my toddler after his nap time to find he had torn several of his favorite picture books to shreds. It's a behavior that first crept up several months ago in an isolated incident that no-doubt got my attention. It was clear that this "repeated offense" was an attention seeking behavior in response to the quantity and sometimes quality of attention greatly shifting since our family has grown. I don't think he even understood the ramifications of tearing a book (that we can no longer read his favorite stories) or fully comprehended why he did it. Perhaps he was curious, bored, or tearing that paper felt good! I, of course, responded like a pro... Or maybe I cried and yelled and took all the books away and then calmed down and asked my sister for advice... Thank goodness for sisters who have A) been there, done that, and B) have degrees in early childhood development! She suggested providing alternative after-nap activities to be accessible in the toddler's room and perhaps some board books. She also suggested a sensory bin for tearing paper (without mentioning the books) and, overall, not to worry too much over it--this, too would pass. We've since purchased a bookshelf to put in a public family area (not the toddler's bedroom) to hold our children's books for everyone to use. Big Brother has found the scrap paper bin on his art shelf to be a perfect way to utilize the energy for tearing and cutting paper--which are skills so fundamental to fine motor development.

And I've also had a conversation at a less emotional moment with my darling toddler. He talked about "missing Mommy," and I talked about missing him as well! I suggested that we make a special time each day to do something together--just us. We have since initiated Mommy & Me dates again (albeit at home right now). Sometimes it is a "school" activity. Sometimes we play with a toy on the rug. Sometimes we read or draw or snuggle. Sometimes my toddler picks the activity--like doing Yoga or taking a walk! It's not always a "long" time, but it is quality time as much as possible--no phones, minimal distractions and interruptions. It was also becoming clear to me that our Big Brother was looking for ways to connect with his little brother. (I think Daniel Tiger may have given false expectations about how active and interactive newborn siblings are!) We've set out a basket of brothers' toys that both brothers can "play" with. This has been really helpful for joint play sessions and also a favorite space for Big Brother to play individually when little brother is sleeping.

The "Brothers' Basket"

We are adjusting to including a new member of the family into daily family routines, like davening (praying)...

Big Brother decided his little brother needed a Torah, too!

We are totally winging it. We are utilizing resources for support and revisiting things that work and things that need tweaking. Developing that "new normal" may feel like a game of whack-a-mole, but there's no need to make a mountain out of a molehill. The best gift we can give our children is a model of how to try and try again. We are building brotherhood here and it is a beautiful work in progress!

After reading a couple of books where older siblings drew family portraits of their growing families, my own little guy wanted to make a picture of his newly expanded family. I created and printed a family portrait template and picked up an inexpensive picture frame to display his work. This was one of our Mommy & Me Time activities and he loved it!