Meeting Our Children's Needs In Uncertain Times

Perhaps the blessing in disguise of being home all day every day with my kids right now is that I am too busy to worry. But then once they go to bed, the worries resume, running like a laundry list (with unwashed laundry piling up at the bottom) for the hours between dusk and dawn. And since I can't really tackle some of the deeper and darker items on that list or the feeling of eminent, pending doom, or the looming questions of WHAT IF, WHEN, HOW LONG, SHOULD I, WILL I, HOW and WHY, I instead turn my focus to questions I can tackle or at least tolerate right now.

And really what I have is just a list of questions. Maybe some ideas. Not a lot of answers. But here's a little of what's been on my mind in thinking about how we can meet our children's developmental needs during these uncertain times.

Schools from nursery on up have gone online and are rapidly developing distance learning programs. What does this mean for our children? What about parents? What I can say is that the outpouring of ingenuity, creativity and support in the form of educators and individuals offering whatever they can in new and novel ways is astounding. I, for one, am going to be adding the following items to my resume: basket weaving, balloon animal sculpting, home IT support for distance learning, assistant architect behind one dining room Eiffel Tower made from straws, tape and Q-tips... I used the internet in some way to support all of my newfound roles and accomplishments from YouTube videos to show me how to make a balloon sword to Amazon for adding a basket-weaving kit to my birthday wish list (thank you, Mom!), to Pinterest for the ideas on building with straws and tape to Scholastic's website for providing my eldest with reading activities... But how did we go from a family who used screen time somewhat sparingly to being a family who relies on it for socialization, communication, education, and more?

I've gotta hand it to you parents out there with your color coded schedules and slots for attending this Zoom dance party and that Live Story time--I'm flying by the seat of my skirt here. It's going alright so far and I spend much of the day focused on getting from A to B rather than A to Z. A to B is manageable. And while I am worried about aspects of skill loss (similar to what happens during summer breaks), I am less concerned about the "academic" end of that with my younger children. What most concerns me as a parent of children ages 5 and under is meeting their needs for movement, social development and emotional wellness in an environment that is less conducive to any and all of these.

So as I usually do when I have a suitcase full of stuff, I'll unpack one thing at time...

Meeting Our Children's Need for Movement in Restricted Spaces: I've worked in small spaces as a teacher and lived in small spaces as a parent. This end of it is nothing new. What is novel is the fact that we can't move beyond these smaller spaces. How can my children meet their developmental needs for physical movement in the same, small environment for the foreseeable future? Yes we are so incredibly fortunate to have space outdoors to use and some tools and tricks indoors. But add to this as well that all three of my children have hypotonia and were gross-motor delayed. And that C just started physical therapy but will likely not have support or at least support in the same way right now. We can do a lot from home, but I can't recreate the experience of a playground or the woods or a game of tag played with lots of peers or a gymnastics studio...
What I can do is mix it up and get creative. We change spaces often. We build forts and use furniture to encourage heavy lifting. We get outside and run in the grass, play "keep it in the air" with a giant beach ball, ride bikes around a parking lot that is so desolate now that it's finally safe to ride. We let them jump on their mattresses. We do a bit of rough and tumble play with Tatty. We turn play, science and art activities into movement ones as well. Building a tall tower of straws and tape encourages bending and reaching, climbing and balancing, walking around and between people and materials so as not to knock it over... Art activities are done at the table but also on the floor and vertically on the wall. Smaller muscle groups are challenged and used with sensory play and cooking and gluing, cutting, beading, building... And encouraging and supporting independence in tasks that may have been more challenging is something we have plenty of time for now.

Meeting Our Children's Social Development Needs During Social Distancing: This, among all of my educational concerns, is perhaps my greatest one right now. In these earlier years, socialization is my primary focus when it comes to school. Reading will happen, writing comes along, math skills develop all at their own rate and quite naturally when children are given access to play and conversation and life experience. But how can we support pro-social behaviors in this population, not to mention children older than mine, from a stance of isolation? I cannot recreate the social environment of a schoolyard or a classroom from behind the screen of my laptop. A video playdate just isn't the same as the interaction that occurs on a school playground. Sibling rivalry offers plenty of opportunities for problem solving and conflict resolution, but it does not equal the experience of problem solving and resolving conflicts between friends and peers or even children and other adults. The experience and challenges of relationships between siblings and between children and their parents is inherently different from their relationships outside of the home. I have a son who greatly needs the experience of more playdates and opportunities to work on social skills and now he has no opportunities for this.
In getting creative and entering my problem solving mode, I've come up with some ideas. Games--especially board games, are a great tool for promoting social skills in young children and also encourage other skill development (plus, they are fun!). Through age appropriate card games, board games and even backyard games, children experience the challenges of taking turns, waiting, problem solving, abstract thinking, sharing, regulating emotions around "losing" or "winning," developing empathy toward others in these emotions, honesty (not cheating!)... Executive functioning tasks like following rules/directions, organizing multiple steps and tasks in space and time, focus and attention are also addressed. In addition to this, I am finding playful ways to "mix it up" here and expand beyond rigidity. I never like to push beyond a safe range of comfort zones and particularly in a time when all routines and the comforts of predictability are totally out the window, I am mindful not to be too aggressive with this one. But little things like having breakfast for dinner or eating lunch outside and even adjusting to all being home together every single day are opportunities for children who thrive on routine to the detriment of being able to cope with something different to really work on this skill set.

Meeting Our Children's Emotional Needs While Our Own Emotions Are On High Alert: I am a firm believer in being honest with our children and giving them adequate information for their age and level of understanding. I am a firm believer in telling our children that we are here to help them and to protect them. I am usually able to tell my children and my students not to worry because the adults in their life will keep them safe and if we're not worried, they don't need to be either. The problem here is that the adults are worried. And I think we need to be reasonably honest about that, too. "Grownups are worried right now because this is something new for us, too. When something is new, it can feel scary. But we are learning what we can and we will use everything we know to help." But there is a lot we don't know. And as much as we can, we need to shield our children from adult sized worry and panic. We also need to shield ourselves as much as we can from over-sized worry and panic. Easier said than done. Self care is vital for everyone, whether you are still out and working or at home alone or at home with kids...we don't need to "one up" each other on who has it worse right now. Isolation and fear are taking their toll on everyone in every way. We need to recognize that good enough right now is good enough. That if you have a pretty color coded schedule and it's working for you, you rock! If you're winging it, you rock! If you're posting pictures of activities you do with your kids, you rock! If you're not posting pictures of the dirty dishes, laundry pile and your arms flailing in exasperation for the umpteenth time today because your phone died after uploading the 21st photo of the only two minutes where everyone was happy and not crying, you rock!

Our emotions are on high and our energy is on low. Try as we might, we can't hide it from our kids. We can't completely protect them from our experience of this pandemic because it is new to us as well. What we can do is start over. As often and as many times as necessary. I've said it today already and I'll probably say it again--"let's start over." "Let's try that again." And let's also get creative with those resources. Self care looks very different right now when we can't go to the coffee shop or the bar or the nail salon or the movies. For those of us in the workforce, there are financial concerns and worries about career stability. For those of us on the home front, isolation is hard. With kids at home all day, there's no "but he'll be in school soon" light at the end of the tunnel. There's no end to the presence of our little mini-mes all day long and the light at the end of the tunnel is there, but it has to look different right now. It might be just getting to the next part of the day when one will be asleep and I can get outside with the other two who will be occupied enough that I can sit with a travel cup of coffee. And after hours upon hours of kid conversation, I just want to use words like "toilet" instead of "potty" and for goodness' sake, can't I just say "a$$" instead of "tushy?!" Thank G-d for social networking in periods of social isolation. I am introverted and like my time and space, but this is a lot of time and space. I miss the cashier at Walmart. I miss the receptionist at the gym. I miss the maintenance guy in my bathroom for the 892nd time fixing the same damn problem with my potty, I mean, toilet. But thank G-d I do have my kids and my husband. I can't imagine how hard this is for those who live alone with their thoughts and their worries and their inner monologue all day and night. I already want to divorce myself after 8 hours of being mostly awake in my bed at night! Or at least have a little time apart...perhaps see other people...

What Am I Not Worried About: Finally a list I can sink my teeth into! I'm not worried [too much] about my kids being "ready for" first grade/pre-K/____. We are all in this same boat just trying to stay above water. Our education system has been in crisis long before this crisis. I have talked about here at length--the over "academification" of early childhood education. We move our children too fast, beyond what is developmentally appropriate, reasonable and sustainable. And instead of producing a generation of children who love to learn and who will carry us to the peaks of innovation and education, we are producing a generation of children who lack the skills to play, who hate school by the time they are in first grade, who have all the skills in place to build a rocket but none of the skills in place to troubleshoot when systems fail. Education in our country has been forced to slow down. This is going to take time and right now, time is, G-d willing, one thing we have in abundance. If there is a silver lining to any of this, perhaps this is one. We are here at home reading to our kids, playing with our kids, problem solving with our kids, resolving conflicts with our kids, cooking with them, cleaning with them, learning with them, growing with them. We have absolutely nothing else we can do. And it's novel right now, so it's kind of fun. S even said "Mommy school is more fun than regular school because you get to play more." But I also know that novelty will wear off. We will get frustrated. We will get cabin fever. We will get bored. And from boredom comes amazing things...I can't wait to see what they will be!

So I still have way more questions than I have answers. It's easier to wonder if my kids will go back to school this year at all than it is to address many of the other questions I have on that list. I am the pendulum swinging between feeling so sure I've got this and so afraid that I don't. And when I swing to the latter side, my concerns on the former feel trivial and silly. Worrying about my kids' development and education while there are far greater concerns to worry about. But that worrying isn't helpful and what is helpful at this time is getting outside of myself and finding ways to offer what I can to others. I hope that this "space" is one where you can access ideas for play and fun and connection with your family right now. I hope that if there is anything related to play, early learning and family support that I can offer to you or anyone you know, you'll feel comfortable to reach out and ask. Please remember that play is not a privilege, it is a right. It is the right of every child and every adult! And if nothing else gets done today, play will--and when it does, know that it is enough. And in these uncertain times when we need it more than ever, I wish us safety, health, healing and, as always...

Happy Playing

Perhaps They Will Play?

Schools have shut down. Local facilities and places of worship are closed. Businesses and companies are preparing for remote working, shut downs, and implementing support for extended or unlimited sick leave. Grocery stores are packed with people and emptied of toilet paper, soap, hand sanitizer, kombucha. Kombucha? Really people? So I checked on Amazon. Nope. No toilet paper. But--fear not, I also checked several versions of OTC birth control methods and it seems that at least for the time being, those are still in stock--let's see what happens by the time we all have at least the next two weeks, if not longer, home with our kids. But in all seriousness, there are many and mixed emotions about this and none of them are wrong. But one of the questions that has come up again and again between parents, educators, schools and learning institutions is this: what will our children do?

There have been a variety of answers from around the globe but here's mine, right here from my couch: Perhaps they will play.

Yes, in the face of a novel coronavirus, I see the demise of play being only a novelty. Yes, the lines at grocery stores, drug stores and big box stores and ACMoore are out the door, but you know who gets to move to the front of the line? Play. Maybe, just maybe, if there is a silver lining to all of this it is that for the first time in a long time, or maybe even ever, people will play. Not just children, but grown ups, too! Without the hours filled by structured activity and scheduled routines, perhaps we will play.

And it may look and feel a little funny at first. We might be a little rusty. For some, this will be a whole new horizon. But somewhere, deep inside us all, is an inherent need, desire and knowledge of how to play. Yes, there is work to be done. Yes, our children need to learn. Yes, play is enough for now. So will I be setting up shop to homeschool my kids? Not quite. Will I be setting up activities to inspire my kids? Probably--but only because that is how *I* play. And will every moment be filled with plans and structure and sunshine and rainbows? Nope. Honestly, there are going to be moments here that are a total &#$* show because there always are! I just can't catch them on camera because I'm too busy flailing my arms and yelling in a loud, booming voice... But in between those less than Instagram worthy moments will be unstructured, unplanned, uninterrupted play.

And it won't look "perfect." There will be boredom and from that will come critical thinking and problem solving and creativity. There will be arguing and from that will come conflict resolution and relationship and connection. There will be messes. So many messes. And cleaning. So much cleaning. And scientific discoveries and experiments and concoctions and explosions. There will be glitter. There will be tears. There will be playdough and colors mixed beyond recognition. There will be laughter to the point of tears to the point of remembering that after 3 pregnancies, laughter to the point of tears is risky business during a toilet paper shortage. There will be trips to the park. There will be rainy days we put on our rain suits and rubber boots, grab our umbrellas and get outside anyway. We will see the best in others. We will see the worst in others. Fear does that. We will also see the best and worst in ourselves. Like I said, fear does that. There will be questions. So many questions. There will be talking. So much talking. There will be hopes and wishes and disappointments and frustrations and surprises and wonders and curiosities.

So lean into this play. Let it be the first time in a long time that you do. Let it be OK to not fill the moments or the minutes or the hours. Let it be OK to play a bit yourself. Let it be OK to fall apart like a giant block tower being knocked down. And get up again. Rebuild. Regroup. Remember. Remember what it's like to play for the sake of play. Not for "learning" or for "purpose" or for "product." Those things happen anyway, trust me! So dive into this. Lose track of time. Immerse in the deep waters of Pretend and Make Believe--whether you're revisiting an old and sacred space or entering this world for the very first time. You can dip your big toe in and then another and then your foot, your ankle, your leg. Or you can grab your legs at the knees and do a cannonball off the high dive. There's no wrong way to play. Be silly. Be dramatic. Be someone else. Be something else. Be joyful. Be authentic. Be speedy. Be still. Be gigantic. Be tiny. Be invisible. Be invincible.

I wonder what will come to mind in 20 years when we look back on this time? I wonder what will come to our children's minds in 20 years when they look back on this time? I wonder if this had happened sooner if ACMoore stores might have stayed in business with all the shoppers stocking up on emergency craft reserves? If you need ideas for play activities, you know I've got your back here. But also know that you don't need ideas for play activities. The definition of play in and of itself negates the whole "activity" end of it. Play is chosen. Play is natural and happens in its own space and time frame. Sometimes it moves with great velocity and zeal. Sometimes it looks a bit slower, more withdrawn, even sedentary. Move with it. Sit with it. Watch it and be in awe of it. This is the moment play has been waiting for. And since we're all home to stay, let them play, let them play, let them play!


Be well, be safe, just be! And as always...

Happy Playing!

Bullying, Racism, Death, Germs, and Other Uplifting Topics That Are Hard to Talk About With Children

Is this a space suit or a hazmat suit?

We are in the midst of the coronavirus epidemic and schools here have officially closed down. My husband did not read his emails this morning, but he did misread the clock and got everyone up an hour early! But, thank G-d, he's also home and has all 3 kids outside for some fresh air and play. Adults right now are all very worried and in some ways this worry is helpful when it comes to taking preventative measures and precautions. In other ways, the mass hysteria and misleading information out there can be hindering. And as much as we are aiming to protect our families and communities right now, our children are aware of our heightened concern--whether overtly so or not. And this makes me reflect on talking to young children about tough topics like this. We waver between wanting to protect and wanting to inform. S has already come home from school talking about washing his hands extra carefully every time before he eats to "protect from the Virus." What does he know about Covid19? What does he wonder? Is he worried or afraid? When it comes to talking about tough topics like illness, death, race/racism, bullying, sex, etc., where do we start? And where should we stop?

There is not, unfortunately, a simple and foolproof answer here. There is a delicate balance between giving too much information and not enough and that is different from time to time and from child to child. In addition, when our children bring up topics that are tough to talk about, we can easily be caught off guard and begin to make assumptions. When this happens, we may handle the discussion in a less helpful way. I often advise others (and myself) to begin with what they know. And the easiest way to do this is to ask! Let me give you a really unique example from last night:

My husband was giving S a bath and we have a couple of baby dolls in the tub right now for washing and playing. S asked for a doll to play with and my husband handed him one. It happened to be a doll with dark skin. We have a set of 4 of these dolls in varying skin tones. S said "I don't want the one with the dark skin, I want the one with the light skin." My husband was caught off guard and even later when he began to relay the story to me, I, too, jumped to a conclusion right here. Was my 5 year old son discriminating against skin color? Surely we are raising him better than this. I was mortified and then my husband said, "wait, listen to what happened next. I remembered you told me to find out what he knows and I asked him if there was a reason he wanted the doll with the lighter skin." And sure enough there was:
"Tatty, the doll with the light skin has an open mouth and the one with the dark skin's mouth is closed. I want the one with the open mouth so I can pretend to feed him."

Amazing. If we would have started the conversation here with what we know, it would have been completely different than the one that actually took place. It probably would have also felt out of context for S, who just wanted to feed a baby doll. He once asked for a doll in a toy store that was made to resemble a baby from Asia because the doll had "real hair." The other ones had no hair. And surely, we do have conversations in context about treating differences of all kinds with kindness and sometimes those conversations will cross the barriers of race or religion or disAbility, etc.

Even in talking to our children about weapon play and games we find alarming as adults, it has been helpful to find out what they know. Sometimes this can start a conversation. Other times, the conversation may end right there, perhaps to be continued at a later date as more information is required or acquired. It is so hard for us to remember the innocence and inherent ignorance of early childhood. We want our children to be kind. We want them to feel secure. We want others to be kind to them and be safe with them.

We also need to be honest. One of the times that this can feel incredibly challenging is when the topic of death comes up, particularly if it involves a loss within the family. Whereas it was previously thought that very young children are not able to process grief at an early age, research now shows that they do in fact process grief, albeit in their own way. Many adults will gear toward the answer of "so and so went to sleep for a long time" and this can be incredibly confusing and unsettling for children. Will So-and-so wake up? Will they die if they go to sleep? Children may ask questions about death and dying. What does it feel like to die? What happens when someone dies? When will Mommy and Daddy die? When will I die? These are hard for us as adults to process and that paired with our concern about how our children will process the answers can leave us feeling overwhelmed and ill equipped. I think it is OK to say "I don't know" when you don't know. I also think it is OK to keep answers very simplistic and wait for a response to determine what (if any) information is still needed. When I was little and wondered about this, my parents explained death as when the body stops working. In all honesty, this felt like a good answer and still, to this day, does.

What about when children say things that are alarming or upsetting? Once when I was quite little, I walked up to my mother and said "shoot yourself!" She responded in a normal adult way in telling me that this wasn't a nice thing to say and then asked me what I meant. "It's what the goose said in 'Charlotte's Web!'" Ok, so the goose said "suit yourself," which I also had no understanding of but it sounded pretty cool and a little funny so I tried it. And missed a little...

But what about when tough topics involve conflict? Conflict is ever so uncomfortable for us. We may not like it ourselves as adults and we certainly don't want it for our children. And nowadays there is a strong movement toward handling bullying more strongly. In many ways, this is helpful, but I think in some ways it has gone overboard and to the other end of the spectrum where we perceive any and all conflict as bullying when, in fact, not all of it is. Particularly in regard to the preschool and below population, it is not particularly common for very young children to be "bullies." Note that I am using the word bully here to describe actions that are targeted at a particular individual or population and done with the intent to be hurtful/harmful. Most young children do not display this type of behavior, barring extreme exceptions or incidents where trauma is involved.

Most young children do display behaviors we would classify as aggressive, impulsive, hurtful/harmful. The intent may be specifically targeted at an individual, but the purpose is not to bully. Alternatively, the purpose may stem from anger and a desire to gain control or meet a need, but the target may not be specific. And conflict at this age is typical. Verbal arguments, unkind statements, even hitting/kicking/biting and other forms of physical "aggression." We understandably have a low threshold for violent acts. We can't allow children to hurt each other or be hurt. It is painful if our child is the target. Sometimes even harder when our child is the one targeting others. But we need to stop calling preschool aged children bullies. Not only is this unhelpful for children to identify what bullying really is and how to handle it, it is damaging for the child being labeled. Giving support and language and helpful tools to all parties is necessary. Understanding typical child development and recognizing if and when more support is needed is also important.

Nobody likes to hear someone tell our child "I'm not your friend anymore" or "I don't like you." But we also have an adult experience of rejection. And when we think about our own "childhood" experiences of rejection, our memories are more likely from our grade or middle school years than from our preschool years! Nonetheless, these types of statements fly across the playground on a daily basis. We jump in to "coach" with statements of "that's not nice!" or "we don't say 'you can't play,'" or "we're all friends here." But let's unpack this a bit. First of all, this business of "we're all friends here" is potentially a little unfair. Are you friends with everyone in your workplace or neighborhood? I'm not. We can all be kind and respectful, we don't all need to be friends. And even when we are friends, we don't need to always be together or be completely in sync and agreement with one another. And the statements of "that's not nice," may also be less helpful. It may not have been meant to be nice, so you may be preaching to the choir. Alternatively it may not have been the intent of the child saying something to be unkind. Take the following vignette:

A child in my class sat down at the lunch table and opened his lunchbox. The next child joined the table and one by one the spots filled up until the last of the children to wash his hands arrived with his lunchbox and one empty seat remained. "I don't want to sit next to ____" he said. I was about to go into Conflict Resolution Mode when I decided instead to ask if there was a reason. And sure enough, there was: the child sitting there had a tuna fish sandwich and the child waiting to sit down did not like the smell of tuna. I like tuna but honestly, it does smell! Another little girl said she did like the smell and offered to switch seats; problem solved.

I do not want to insinuate that in coaching and teaching our children about bullying, conflict resolution and other tough topics that we are creating the problems that do emerge as they get older. Most children at some point in their lives will experience these things in one way or another and we want them to be prepared, informed and know how to seek support. I am not the type of person that feels it is helpful or realistic to make our children blind to these ills of the world; I am the type of person that feels it is helpful to make them adequately and appropriately aware and sensitive. We've all reached that point of adulthood where we look at our kids today and ask (sometimes even out loud) "What are you thinking?!" and you know what? Tone aside, that's a good question.

Asking our children--even our very young ones--what they are thinking can be the very best place to begin a conversation that needs to follow. What do you know about ___?  What do you wonder? What questions do you have? Is there anything about ____ that worries you or that you want to know more about? Sometimes the answers won't come right away and that's OK. It's not a race, it's a marathon. But leave the door open or at least unlocked so they can return if and when need be.  And don't forget the power of play here. Some conversations are better had through play and some topics of curiosity are better noticed through play. Once in a while when S has done something he is not so proud of, he finds in helpful for Mistakey the Snakey to come out and tell me about it as opposed to him. And sometimes in those conversations, Mistakey can get quite silly. But Mommy always reminds him that even when he is a silly Snakey and makes a mistake, he can always come and talk about it and I will help him.

In fact, most of my conversations like this end with talking about help. What can help you solve this problem? Who can help you? What would be helpful now? What do you need from me right now? And the very last thing I want to remind myself and all of you: it is OK not to know. We don't like not knowing. It's uncomfortable. But not knowing can be just the right amount of fire under our feet to learn more. And if we want to raise a generation of children who desire to learn more, we need to raise a generation of children who are not uncomfortable not knowing. Model it. Embrace it. Use it for the good. And as always...

Happy Playing!

What My Ridiculous Nightmare Taught Me About Children & Weapon Play

I had a ridiculous nightmare last night. The kind of ridiculous nightmare I wake up from and can't go back to sleep because I'm afraid of having another ridiculous nightmare. Maybe it was that one extra hamentasch I'd had after the Shabbos meal, right before bed. Maybe it was the game I was playing with S right before dinner. Maybe it was the topic of children and weapon-play that has been on my mind lately in general. So I woke up my husband to tell him I'd had a bad dream. And he knows the deal: no one's going back to sleep until I tell him about it. Even as I'm telling him, I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous and even I can't figure out why it was so scary to me.

I had been locked inside of a big, dark room. I managed to get out and walk through an equally dark hallway to the top of a stairwell where across the room was a light, curly-haired woman holding a gun. I held up my arm, extended my forefinger forward, thumb up in the air and three fingers pointing back at me. I proceeded to make all of the right noises "chew chew chew." but even Ridiculous Dream Me knew that my 5 year old style hand gun with "chew chew chew" noises was no match for a real weapon. And then I woke up.

And as I lay there, still shaken even half an hour later, I realized that this is the epitome of adult worry: holding up a pretend gun made out of your hand when everyone else has real weapons. Powerlessness because in spite of seeing what's coming at you, you have all the wrong tools for the job. And my adult worries, similarly to my childhood fears, still feel a size too big. Especially in the middle of the night after one too many hamentaschen.

The topic of weapon play has been at the forefront of my mind as S and several of his classmates explore it on the playground. It's an area that has peaked my curiosity long before S first came home from school in the fall with all new vocabulary and dramatization around it. I've read research, engaged in conversations with other educators and early childhood specialists, listened to podcasts and lectures and even reflected on it myself. What is it that draws in the level of curiosity and exploration our young children have with weapon play? So many are quick to say it's the internet or television or video games. And yet, long before there were PJ Masks and Ninja Turtles on the playground, there were Cowboys and Indians, Cops and Robbers. Weapon play is nothing new.

Our adult ears are so sensitive to those "chew chew chew" sounds. We cringe at hearing a five year old child use words like "kill" and "shoot" and "smash their head in." We either redirect, disallow, ignore or a combination of all three. And our children intuit one way or the other that, for some reason, this is something we do not play... We would not "play-shame" a child for pretending to be a teacher or a wizard or a turtle...but for pretending to be a soldier or a ninja or, heaven forbid, a "bad guy?" We are justified in this because bad guys are, well, bad. And when we say "we don't play..." it becomes essentially that red button on the playground that says "Don't Push Me." Or, they get more creative than that and begin to play in private. Either way, that play happens. It has to. It's almost compulsive. They may mask that gun as a fire hose or a squirt toy, but it's still shooting.

"Ask a child what they are shooting and they will almost never say a bullet." said one educator in a group discussion on this topic. So I tried it. I asked S on numerous different occasions in the Fall when he came home with an interest in weapon play what he was shooting. Sure enough, every time it was something different. Fire. Poison. Ice cream. Bubbles. Never bullets. I fought the urge in those months to redirect, sometimes less successfully than others, but most of the time I realized this play had to run its course. And it did, at home, at least. More recently it's crept its way into his classroom and school playground with many peers. And the issue has been of concern to many parents. I feel slightly less concerned having the "evidence based knowledge" that this is normal and developmentally typical. I do, however, still have a discomfort with it.

S and I were playing together on Friday night after the Shabbos meal. The game morphed into S using a toy bottle as a "poison shooter." I grabbed the closest thing to me, a Mitzvah Machine (which looks curiously like a toy Keurig coffee maker). Every time his poison shooter shot poison at one thing or another, the Mitzvah Machine shot bubbles of good deeds or slime of kind acts or even glitter powder of helpfulness. Eventually, the Poison Shooter relented and decided to enter the Mitzvah Machine and repent for his unkind acts with plenty of more altruistic ones. But this didn't happen until Saturday afternoon! So maybe that ridiculous nightmare was also triggered (pun intended) by the game being yet unresolved when we went to bed...

And here I was, in that dark balcony of a place I've never been staring at this woman I've never seen, holding up my pretend gun shouting "chew, chew, chew," but I can't remember how to play. And that's when it hits me:

We can't remember how to play. For our youngest children, much of their lives are beyond their grasp--whether literally or cognitively. So much is out of their control, but when they play, they can control everything. They can be anything, become anything, overcome anything. And we can't remember. We can't remember what it's like to have all of the power to change in your hands and none of the hopelessness of defeat. And we've forgotten how to change; we've met defeat so many times it's often easier just to stay the same. To still be holding up that pretend gun made out of your hand even though The Enemy has real weapons. But what is this elusive enemy? With her slight figure and light curly hair? Across a balcony in a dark room in a place we've never been? It's worry.

Worry that our children will become what they play. But let me tell you something about children and play. Children embody their play. Completely. Get a group of five year olds with cats on their mind and you're going to have meowing, purring, licking, clawing--the full feline experience. There's no just talking about a cat--they must be the cat and completely commit to the cat until that cat is done. And let me tell you something else. I have known children who have pretended to be cats since I was a child pretending to be a cat and not one of them, not one has become a cat. Some still talk about cats. Some even have cats. One actually had a separate Facebook profile for her cat, but I digress...

Play is the experience of a child. It is the ability to hold the whole world in your hands when 85% of it still requires a step stool to reach. Play is for fun. It is for learning. It is for release. It is for control. It is for power. It is for conflict and resolution. It is for experimenting and trying on for size. Play is for wonder and for curiosity and for questions and for answers. Play is a lot of things and I firmly believe it has to happen. It has to run its course. It has a purpose and when the purpose is fulfilled, the play changes. The cat gives way to a dog that gives way to a dragon that gives way to a wizard that gives way to a Bad Guy that gives way to Batman...

When the hand is a magic wand, we don't worry. Even if that magic wand can obliterate the world in one fell swoop, it's whimsical, mystical and pretend. But when the same is a gun, it hits too close to home. It epitomizes to us that world that for adults is 85% still out of our reach and there is no step stool. The difference between the child and the adult, however, is that their hand being a gun is not equivalent to the loss of innocence. That we can't remember this--that is the loss of innocence. The fact that at one point we learned the difference between a magic wand and a gun--that's when innocence was lost. And likely, it was a realization that came from an adult. And it's important in life to know the difference between a magic wand and a gun, but does it have to be on the playground when you're five years old shouting "chew chew chew" and an adult comes to tell you "we don't play..."

We don't play. We don't remember how and even when we try, it's tailored by an adult mind that can't recall the playground anymore. I have to have this Mitzvah Machine because what else do I do when someone is shooting poison at me? The only thing I know how. I toss out the only tools I have, good deeds, kindness and helpfulness. And maybe that's exactly what I need. Maybe those are the right tools. Maybe Ridiculous Dream Me had nothing but a pretend gun made out of my own hand because play is enough.

Happy Playing!

Petal Play!

Wanna get the biggest bang for your buck on those beautiful fresh cut flowers your husband bought you? Or that you asked your husband to buy you? Or that you bought for yourself? I used to feel a bit wistful when wilting began, but then I discovered the wonder of petal play! From cutting and dissecting to tearing and crushing and grinding with a mortar and pestle to drying and crumbling and mixing into doughs or tea parties or making petal soup or petal potions... The options for play are as limitless as the imagination. You can certainly make use of flowers found in nature when the season permits, but definitely be sure to pick only ones that are OK for picking! You can also inquire at local florists or garden shops about whether they have any flowers or loose petals on the move list--some will be happy to donate these to a classroom or home.





And then, just add wonder, curiosity, imagination and play! Here, for your viewing (and reading) pleasure, is the story of some rose and tulip petals that happily lived a full life (and even a second, third and fourth life)...

First, we plucked and cut the heads off of the best looking flowers that remained. We collected them in a couple of our wooden mortar and pestle sets. I especially like using wooden ones with kids since the ceramic ones can break and these are pretty sturdy and lightweight. You can often find them in stores like Home Goods or TJMaxx quite inexpensively and occasionally at a thrift store if you're lucky!



The first stop on the Petal Express was into a batch of playdough. Yes, folks, that's Spiderman rolling out a petal playdough pancake in our backyard...nothing particularly out of the ordinary in this house!






Meanwhile at the picnic table...

It was nearly time for Afternoon Tea. In addition to leftover petals on the move list, we also had a meyer lemon about to be composted. But--alas, one more stop to make along with some tea bags, water, and only the loveliest (secondhand) dishes and utensils...

Yes, folks, that's Spiderman and a Ninja Turtle serving Afternoon Tea in the backyard. Nothing to see here, keep it moving...

Well that was fun!
But wait...
.
.
.
.
.




Still more petals left for play...

Perfect for a Friday afternoon tea party for two most eager Cabbage Patch dolls.

I wonder if my husband knows when he picks out flowers for me that even as I am clipping the stems and arranging them in a vase or two, I'm already envisioning what we're going to play with them in a couple of weeks when they've worn out their dining room table welcome!

Probably he does...

Maybe it's time for another bouquet?

But until then...(and even especially after)...

Happy Playing!

Make Your Own Spring Scented Playdoughs

The official start of Spring is just 16 days away, but who's counting? And with these easy to make Spring Scented Playdoughs, you don't have to! You can dig into this well before you dig into the garden beds. We love playdough in any season here, and really need no special occasion to make a batch (or get out some store bought) for fun. And when I need a little sensory fun of my own, making it myself is quite enjoyable (shhh, don't tell my kids)!

I had the house to myself for a bit last Sunday and wanted to mix up a new batch, but I couldn't decide on a color or even a scent or add in--so I picked more than one! You can stick to one, a combo or even concoct your own. Here's how I made my three Spring Scented Playdoughs and a peek at how we've been playing with them here:

For all three recipes, I began with this base:

• 2 cups flour
• 1/2 cup salt
• 1 heaping tablespoon cream of tartar
• 2 tablespoons cooking oil
• 2 cups water

Cook over medium heat on stove-top, stirring until a dough thickens and forms in the center of the pot. Remove from heat and let cool before kneading any lumps into the dough. Divide into smaller balls for however many varieties you're making (or leave whole if you're doing just one). *You can add in the optional essential oils for a stronger scent.* Kids would definitely enjoy the part of kneading the add-ins into the dough once it's cool enough to handle. To avoid staining your hands, I like to poke a few indentations into the dough and add a drop of food coloring into each one. I knead it until it is thoroughly mixed and then decide if I want to add more. For a more pastel look (like mine) use less color, for a bolder shade, use more. Liquid watercolor can also be used in lieu of food coloring.

Store your playdoughs in airtight containers or ziplock bags between use to avoid drying out. I typically keep it around for a couple of weeks--using fresh or dried leaves and flowers can shorten the shelf life a bit so keep an eye (and nose) on it!

Back to Basics Petal Playdough: This one is definitely one to get the kids in on. You can make your basic dough recipe in advance if you prefer and have it cooled and ready to go. You'll also need:

• some fresh flowers, preferably on their way out anyway
• scissors
• mortar and pestle

Here's where the fun comes in. You get to cut, tear, crush and grind those colorful petals to your heart's desire. Y had a lot of fun with this part--almost as much fun as he did kneading the results into our playdough. We happened to have some old tulips and roses on their way to the compost bin and they were given a lovely second life in this playdough.

Fresh Mint Playdough: for this one you'll add in...

• green food coloring
• chopped mint leaves
• peppermint essential oil or extract* 

Rose Petal Playdough: for this one, you'll add in...

• pink food coloring (or red)
• dried rose petals such as those bought for soap-making or potpourri, or dry, crush and mix in your own (like in the back to basics petal playdough)
• rose essential oil*

If you're a Playdough Purist, you'll probably only want one color out at a time. If you're a Wild Child like I am, let it all hang out and intermingle and mix. You only live once! We loved playing indoors in our little Garden Shop making a colorful garden tea party. We also had a lot of fun taking it outside to make birthday cakes for Dr. Seuss's birthday yesterday.

Spring will be here soon enough with its own bounty of playdough add-ins and petal play. So stay tuned! And until then...

Happy Playing!

Lavender Playdough

• purple food coloring (or red and blue)
• dried lavender buds
• lavender essential oil*

Three Great Purim Activities You Can Take Outside!

If costumes inside are fun, imagine
costumes outside at the park!

Today we're going to Get Outside And...PURIM! If this holiday isn't enough fun already, let's take it to the park (or backyard). In fact, that is exactly what we did in our most recent outdoor playgroup event--a Purim Popup Play at the Park. And the best parts about these activities is that you can do them outside or indoors, many of the materials needed are likely in (or outside of) your home, and they can be adapted for year round use.

1. Stick Puppets

Stick Puppet created by
a three year old!

Puppetry is a great way to retell the story of Purim for young children. You can make Purim puppets in a number of ways, but I particularly love using nature's loose parts when I can and sticks are a fabulous loose part. Send your puppeteers on a search for the perfect stick! All you'll need to add to the mix are any loose craft parts you have on hand (we used google eyes, fabric scraps, pipe cleaners, some wool roving and a handful of buttons, gems and sequins). Now here's the one material I can't sing the praises of enough: nontoxic gel medium. I can't believe I made it 35 years before I found out about this! Found in the painting/acrylics section of craft supply stores or online, this works with all the power of a hot glue gun and none of the heat! It is worth the investment as kids can glue loose parts together without the frustration of them falling off while it sets. It takes a very small amount to work and it dries clear. I like to use condiment containers with lids to transport it to the park (or any small dish/piece of cardboard inside) and a craft stick to apply it. Let the kids have at it and design their puppets. They will surely tell some great versions of the Purim story and many other stories to come.

The storytelling continues at home. S is manning
my Stick Puppet and Y is donning a hand dyed cape!

2. Hand Dyed Capes Capes are for more than just superheroes. Wizards, fairies, royalty and just kids who need to fly a little faster might need a cape from time to time. And hand dyeing your own is so fun (and easy)! 

You will need:

• white flour sack dish cloths (sold in bulk at Walmart or similar stores or even online--even better if you happen to have some stained ones in your kitchen stash that need to be upcycled)
• liquid watercolor or food coloring or fabric dye (I used liquid watercolors--I am not sure how permanent they will be upon washing so for a permanent dye stick to ones intended for fabric)
• water to dilute dye
• pipettes (I bought in bulk on Amazon)
• glass jars or cups to fill with/transport your dyes
• foil pans or similar item to work within
• smocks to cover clothing

The children had so much fun dropping bits of color across the fabric. I separated warm and cool colors initially for the children so they would blend without turning brown, but even those who chose to mix all six colors I provided (red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple) came up with gorgeous results! If you're outdoors, hang or drape your capes to air dry. Once dry, they can be tied around the shoulders as a cape. They also make fabulous doll blankets, picnic blankets, and whatever else your little ones may come up with.

If you are hosting a park party and need to send these home still damp, I'd recommend having a plastic bag on hand for each family.

3. Invitation to Dress Up Peg Dolls in Playdough Costumes

Wooden peg dolls are great for storytelling and small world play. They are a great way to retell the Purim story as well. Many times, we use wooden peg dolls or peg clothespins for permanent crafts, but in this fun playdough invitation, the crafting is temporary. Costumes are created using playdough in a variety of colors and small loose craft parts. I also like to set out some cookie cutters in various sizes, rolling pins and plastic knives. There are so many ways to play and it is quite fun to dress, undress and dress again the little wooden dolls. You can easily send a little gift package home with this as well by slipping a couple of peg dolls and party sized playdough containers in a bag to go.

This little 2 year old had so much fun dressing up his peg dolls that he decided he needed a costume to wear as well and visited our giant laundry sack of costumes to choose the perfect jester's hat for the occasion!

S created costumes by rolling out the dough and wrapping it around each peg. He told me the one in pink is Queen Esther and the one in green is her uncle, Mordechai.

Whether you take these out to the park, to your own backyard, or inside, I hope they get everyone into the Purim spirit! We are so excited for the upcoming holiday here and are counting down the days until it begins next Monday night!

Until then...

Happy Playing!